Gotdamn if I’m not one awesomely amazing individual.
Nah, let me take that back, don’t want people thinking I’m cocky, conceited or anything like that. Then again I can just say that I’m aware of myself and how frickin’ spectacular I am, it’s not a lie. lol, a’ight, I’m really about to stop.
Now, contrary to anything that you may read here on The Life and Times of (the Infamous) Mz. Ren I'm not a bitch. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the least bitchy individuals you will ever meet. That being said, I won’t deny the fact that I act like one on the occasion. Curious as to why?
Because I can.
That’s right, I act this way because I feel like it dammit. You don’t like it? That's fine by me, I’m at a place in my life where I can say I honestly don’t give a fuck about most people’s opinions. Oh…you caught that most did you? Well, what can I say, there are exceptions to every rule, even this one, and his name is E. [Before anyone asks, no, that’s not his real name, can you honestly name someone who’s entire name is an initial outside of Men in Black? No, I didn’t think so.]
I mention this loser (and I say that outta love so don’t trip) in my various blogs, so it’s only right that I mention him here at least once.
He and I met just over a year ago and have been talkin’ since last March and this man is just…I don’t even know how to describe him to y’all. E is one of the most amazing men that I’ve (n)ever met in my whole entire life and I’m so glad that I went through all the shit that I did to get to know him. To save myself from having to go over the last year of us talking, I’m just gonna say that if you really wanna know, you can read my MySpace Blog (check my Link Spot) for the details. However…
There has been a lot that has happened between us that hasn’t and probably will never be mentioned in a blog (especially one that’s open to the public), like how much it hurt to have to go through some of the stuff that I did for him. Or all the doubts that have run through my mind countless times. Or the many times that I’ve been tempted to give up and walk away so I didn’t get hurt in the end again and all the other things that I can’t help but to think about given our situation. But, since I’m a nice person who is in a particularly good mood today—must be because it’s one week to Spring Break which equals one week to E♥—I will share something that was, up until a moment ago when I decided to do this, open only to him as it was written for E and E alone.
Before you read…
[lol, I've always wanted to write that for some reason]
Way back in June, E I were on the phone havin’ a serious conversation (about a serious pain in my ass, his ex bitch who’s been fuckin’ with me for months on end) when he asked me to write him a letter telling him how much I love him and care about him because I have a hard time expressing my feelings verbally (I can say I love you just fine but for some reason I can't say why or how much out loud), so I tried my best to let my baby know just how in love with him I am. It took me 8 months and what seems like infinite attempts to get it done, but last week on February 20th, I finally finished his letter and sent it to him. I left out a few things because certain things need to be said in person and I’ll be seeing him soon enough.
E read his letter then he sent me a message saying something akin to:
“Wow…You got me blushing Ren! I didn’t know it was like that for you, but I’m glad that it is.”
Which left me feelin' a bit like...um, okay, that's all you have to say? Yeah, okay, I didn’t exactly pour my heart out to him in a blog post—that’s what my trip to Cali is all about—but what I said was so sincere and came straight from the heart so for him to just say ‘wow’?
Yeah, that was not gettin’ it.
We kept messaging back and forth for another twenty minutes or so and while he told me that he can sing [lol, in the letter I told him that I love it when he sings to me knowin’ good and got damn well that he can’t] he didn’t really bring up the letter or what I said in it again. So, I did something that I need to stop doin’. I sat and I speculated about what I said and his reaction or lack thereof as the case is. Then, on Sunday night, I was sitting at my laptop deleting the various things that I’ve written and listening to Drake’s So Far Gone. I had been looking over the various beginnings, middles and endings to E’s letter when I heard “Sooner Than Later” and started crying like a punk because it described exactly how I feel sometimes. I rewrote that part of his letter then I posted it and sent the link to E while explaining why I said what I did and that it was from an old version of the letter.
Which you get to read now.
This is one of the songs I want you to listen to. Just pay attention to the first verse then keep reading.
Sometimes, I feel just like the girl he wrote this about.I understand the fact that I’m not your girl and that I’m probably not even the only girl that you’re talkin’ to—I’m not accusin’ you of anything since that’s not my place, I’m just sayin’—but sometimes it does feel like I’m the last thing on your mind or that I’m an afterthought at the very least. I know you love me, you tell me every chance you get, but I don’t need you to tell me something that I already know. What I want from you, what I need is more of your time. That’s all I’m askin’ because baby, I love you. I don’t want us to grow apart then one of us realizes that the other is everything we're missin’—which may or may not be true, who am I to say what you're missin’? Maybe when you finally have the time and "pull it together" (his words, not mine), I wont be there because I moved on to someone who had what I'm askin' you for.That’s not what I want. I think it’s already been established but I guess it wont hurt to say it again:
What I want is you.
I wont be here forever
I hope you realize I've waited this long
But I wont move on
Cuz I don't want no one else
I don't need no one else
So I guess I said all that to say this:
As long as you take the time to show me that this is what you want, that I'm what you want, I'll be here waiting.
Just a lil bit more of your time is all I'm asking for.
Or would I be gettin' out of pocket and actin' above my station if I asked for that?
So...it's kinda apparent why I took this out of the letter, right?
Look, I love you E. Whether I get more of your time or not (although I can't lie, it would be nice to hear from you a little more often. I know your busy but I'm just sayin') that's not gonna change.You know that.
[Well shit, if you didn't, now you do lol]
Now, being me, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I had to go and add onto it when I couldn’t sleep the same night that I posted it, but because MySpace won’t let me edit my posts in FireFox—which is borderline retarded is you ask me—I left it in the form of a 697 word (yes, I did count) comment.
After I had done that, I finally got some sleep. Not a lot but enough to ensure that I would be able to function with minimal difficulty once I woke my ass up.
About 6 or 7 hours later, I did something that I’m still kicking myself over:
I called him.
I didn’t expect him to answer his cell since it was 7:30 AM his time, so I was shocked when he picked up sounding all sleepy and sexy like. We talked about his night spent at the hospital (his daughter caught some strain of the flu) and after making sure that they were both alright, we talked about a lot of other things that had nothing to do with why I called him. I’m not sure how exactly, but I eventually transitioned into why I decided to call him.
I told him that I had something that I wanted him to read once he got online, then I asked him if he wanted me to read it to him hoping that he would say no.
He said yes. Like a total spaz.
So, I sat on my couch with my laptop on my knees and played him the song, then read him the excerpt from his letter all the while trying not to cry like a total girl. I did a pretty okay job of keeping the tears at bay until he started talking, but as soon as he opened his mouth to tell me how sorry he was for making me feel like that and that he would make more time for me because he doesn’t want to loose me. When he told me that I am the only girl he’s talkin’ to and that I—along with his beautiful little girl—complete him, I couldn’t stop the tears even though I tried. When he finished making me cry with his sweetness and sincerity—I hate the fact that I’m a total girl when it comes to him—I told him that I wasn’t finished then asked if he remembered how he said that he wished he could see into my head sometimes. When he said that he remembered I read him the comment…then started crying again when told me how much he loves me and just what I mean to him. I’m not gonna rewrite all of that here because it would just make me cry like a punk again plus I’m actually mad at him right now—It’s been 8 effin’ hours and still no response to my “I need to tell you somethin’” txt message. So much for takin’ time out for me right? smh—but it was really touching and it let me know how serious this is to him.
Just before we got off the phone so he could go to class and so I could get ready to go and catch my bus—I have a whole rant to go on regarding public transit and why it ain’t for me that I’ll post soon—I asked him just what was goin’ through his mind when he read my letter. He said that he was speechless for the first time in his life—which I can believe, that nigga has a mouth on him lol—and that I made him feel like a king with that letter. I told him that I meant every word and that he is a king.
He called me His Queen then he told me he loves me and that he’d call me when he got the chance (which turned out to be the next morning while he was taking his daughter to school).
The next day a couple of hours after we got off the phone after another AMAZiNG conversation, I logged onto MySpace to check my messages and comments and to play Bloodlines, my new favorite addicting MySpace App when I saw this:
I chose to look at my blog comments first thinking that it was another person praising Cam&&Essence
[and no that’s not me bein’ cocky either, C&&E is my most popular blog series]
but was pleasantly surprised to see
Oh yeah, I removed his screen name, E and I both prefer that he remains relatively anonymous in everything that I write, plus, bitches is nosy as a muhfucka.
With my heart in my throat—see, he’s the only one that I’m comfortable with sayin’ stuff like that about, my mind doesn’t normally work in clichés and I try my best not to use them at all costs—I clicked the link and read his comment.
DAMMiT TO HELL!!
This blog wasn’t even supposed to be about him, especially given the fact that I’m still hella annoyed wit’ his punk ass (on the off chance that you come across this E, this is the way I talk about you when you get on my nerves. It’s your own fault luv lol PLUS, I have a pretty good idea of the way you talk about me when I annoy you so don’t trip) but I guess it is what it is. By my next post I’ll be back at my bitchy best.