Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I’m Not a Notch in Your Bed Post but You’re Just a Line in a Blog

I wrote this one a while ago, lost it in my room then randomly found it earlier today and decided to post it because of my somewhat acerbic, definitely comedic wordplay. Besides that, it made me giggle.

It has recently come to my attention that there are those among you who would wish to perpetrate and attempt to pass off my thoughts and ideas as their own, so if you would be as kind as to allow me to address them here and now I would greatly appreciate it.
*drawn out and rather dramatic sigh*
While I applaud you for leading a (insert air quotes…here) notorious lifestyle, I regret to inform you that you not only fail at life and subsequently as a person, but never shall you succeed in anything that you do until you learn how to be yourself. You aren’t notorious, and you surely aren’t infamous sweetheart. You’re just…you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, there isn’t much right either.
Yes, I am a rather unbelievably amazing/fantastic/unique/awesome/insert your own adjective worthy of describing the queen that I am here person if I do say so myself. I can fully understand why you wish to “be like me” but please, hop off my clit, locate the nearest dick and proceed to choke on it. Twice.
You my dear can only cheaply imitate that which I have innovated.
The very thought of someone like you writing Cam&&Essence and the rest of the Turner High Diaries is laughable at best, shamefully pathetic at it’s worst. This is my shxt. Never has it been yours; never will it be yours. I personally don’t think that you have what it takes to write even my early, undeveloped rough drafts, so your attempt to submit my work for publication is hilarious in a brain-missing, senselessly foolish kind of way.
The characters, concepts, story lines and ideas that you’ve apparently been trying to pass off as your own came not from your poor, obviously addled little mind. They are instead the fruits of my creative genius. It would be completely different had you been there to help cultivate and sow even the earliest seeds of creativity, but the fact remains that you weren’t.
I don’t know which is worse. It might be the fact that you stole my work and tried to pass it off as your own. At the same time, it could be that your submitted the pilfered writings to the very same publishing houses that I did and didn’t think that I would hear about it. No, I think the worst thing is that you chose to defile the very integrity of my characters by adding vampires.
Cam&&Essence nor any of the other THD’s are vampire romance novels; I never set out to write the black or urban version of Twilight. That’s not who I am as a writer and none of my characters were designed to be bled by some fool with a sharp pair of canines. No, that’s not it sweetie. I commend you for the nerve and cunning *side eye* which was obviously needed to pull off your shamefully deceitful acts, but the buck stops here bxtch.
I advise you to listen to the chorus of this song then continue reading.

If I ever find out that you’ve been stealing from me again, there will be hell to pay and honestly sweetie, you don’t want me as an enemy. I’ll destroy you and think nothing of it. Are we clear?

L. Elizabeth Carter


Friday, December 25, 2009

I’m Dreaming of a Black Kwanzaa

Before I even get into my introduction, just wanted to let y’all know that this isn’t about Kwanzaa as I don’t celebrate the holiday and this isn’t about why I don’t celebrate the holiday. This is just me being my usual smart alecky and rather brilliant, word playing self. If you are indeed looking for info on Kwanzaa, click…here.

*breathes deep and heaves a heavy sigh of relief*

If you’re reading this, you too have survived the holidays. Since you’ve managed to pull yourself away from your various games, the systems they belong to and your other distractions, take this time out to give yourself a pat on the back. Oh, feel free to gather what remains of your scattered brain cells, a dictionary and an accompanying thesaurus. I make no promises, but there is a very real chance that I’ll use more of those “big”, multi-syllabic words that I’ve become known for.

So, how was everyone’s Chrismahanukwanzakah? Oh…you didn’t get that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle that you were askin’ Santa for? Suck it the eff up and make due; you woulda shot ya eye out anyway kid.

As for me, myself and Ren, my Christmas pretty much rocked. Emphasis on the pretty much.

I was glad to see that “daddy dearest” (*side eye*) had finally gotten it right. The jewelry box, locket and cash that the Sperm Donor gave me weren’t addressed

To: LauRen E!
[T.S.D. is quite fond of exclamation points. Methinks that’s where Boogie get’s it from]
From: Dad and El Jefe

That shxt used to drive me crazy when I was younger. That—*uses term loosely*—woman doesn’t even think that I’m that man’s child; the only gift she’d like to give me would be a paternity test. But that boys and girls is the fuel that shall be added to the conflagration that is my varied and expansive list of daddy issues. That and so much more shall come up in the not so distant future. Let’s continue with the here and now. Or would that be the there and then? These events already happened; hmmm…

As always, Mom came through for ya girl. She got me six or seven sweaters, a few pairs of leggings, a key necklace and she even made sure that I was infamous down to the shoes when she got me these

 iWoulda snapped a pic of my pair, but iKinda lost the charger cord to the digital camera and my webcam is pretty much ass until iGet the bxtch fixed *shrugs*
Yes, yes y’all. Those do indeed match the colorway of The (Infamous) Life. I’ve had my eyes on these for months now, I was gonna buy them when I saw them but…living (infamously) doesn’t come cheap, let me tell ya. There’s the cost of public transportation, bills, food, basic forms of fashion, school. I’m livin’ the lifestyle of a broke, fabulous and infamous individual, but regardless of that, twas only a matter of time before I got my hands on them.

My family and friends also contributed to Operation: Phat Girl Phresh with the gifting of bath, body and lip-care products and all the gift cards and cash they sent my way. Now, don’t get it twisted. I love and appreciate everything that I was blessed to receive, but even as I write this, I can’t help but to think about the proposition I was approached with earlier and the gift that’s been sitting on my dresser since I finished it and the person that it’s for. My lawyer cousin who lives out in California asked if Boogie and I would like to visit her for a week or two next summer and of course the very first thing that I thought of was Him. I just…
[I miss Him. So much.]

No matter though. Time for me to slip on these Betty Boop pajamas, go out to the living room and finally set up my Wii.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I’ve Got Impudence Down to a Science; Care to See an Experiment?

Man, it’s so hard not to act reckless…


What it is, what it look like and all that good ol’ stereotypical shxt that I say, have said and will continue to say because I don’t give a gotdang and I can do what I want as this is my own personal slice of cyber-space? How be all of ye? Ready to choke the next person who starts humming or singing the chorus from the maudlin and oh so very depressing song “Christmas Shoes? Feel as though you need a good three cups of Christmas Cheer, two blunts and a partridge in a pear tree to make it through Christmas dinner this year?

You are not alone.

How art I? Fine as a muhfxcka, dandy like Yankee Doodle and peachy keen like um…something that’s keen and full of peaches. I can’t be expected to be brilliant and awe inspiring with my wordplay all the time. Dang, cut me some slack, it’s the holiday season, I’m stressed yo. What is it about Chrismahanukwanzakah that makes people go crazy?

Yesterday, when I first began this post, I…well, peep what I had written

I am not, let me reiterate not in a good mood. Hence this particular title.  If you’re one of the many sitting there trying to master the English language and figure out what it is that I’m saying and what Impudence happens to mean, allow me to define it for you, my mental midgets.

Rude:  showing a lack of respect and excessive boldness

Got it? Good, gold stars, hand-claps and Jello Pudding Pops for you.

So anyway, like I said a paragraph or so ago, ya girl is not in a good mood. Matter of fact, I’m in a quasi-homicidal, cut a bxtch nigga from east to west with a dull butter knife then stab him in the left eye with my second favorite mechanical pencil type of mood. Seems like Dora and her explorin’ ass has pulled the map out of her backpack and told people that it’s in txt messages, in person and over the phone to my last good nerve and these muhfxckas have proceeded to do the merengue, salsa and cha-cha slide all over it.

I’ve got a headache. The Egg Donor must have forgotten that I don’t like to be touched and insists on doing so and I’m actually entertaining the thought of throwing something at her—as I said, not in a good mood but I have managed to retain a bit of my God given sense. Then, there’s the situation that I’ve gotten into because I’ve apparently pissed people off who routinely piss me off with their own special brand of idiocy mixed with inanity…

But, I didn’t finish it. Doing so would surely ensure the dropping of coal into my nonexistent stocking by a non-existing Santa Claus and as I’ve been a pretty decent—if you ignore that incident with my water bottle that one time and a few other incidents that haven’t been put on the blog due to the statue of limitations still being in effect—girl this year. Beside that, I snuck (sneaked?) and took a peak at the Christmas presents that mom has “hidden” in her trunk. I’ve got good shxt comin’ my way in the AM, I’m not about to risk that, you crazy?

I’m done wit’ this one boys, girls, those in between and on the outskirts of each gender, but here’s another present from me to you:
A Huey Freeman Christmas

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Here’s to Hoping Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Hey there, ho-ho-ho there, how goes it Santa’s little helpers? Everyone havin’ a jolly time decking the halls with bows of Ilex aquafolium and rocking around your respective Christmas trees? You’re not? I hope your grandmother gets run over by a reindeer walking home from your house on Christmas eve.

As for ya girl, I’m in my room, caked up with my ferocious beast of a stuffed lion under my electric blanket, bored as all hell and tryin’ to remember where I put one of my many notebooks. I wrote up this blog in response to someone’s overdramatic reaction about something that had absolutely nothing to do with them and I’m thinking about posting it. Not because I know that they’re waiting for my response, but because it was funny and those of you who have quote unquote warped minds and senses of humor much like my own would appreciate it. I said something like

Don't you get tired of jumping to the conclusion that everything I say and do is about you? This never ending game of leapfrog must be tiring, so take a seat on that lily-pad over there and listen well

then I said what I had to say in a rather uncharacteristic, laid back and non rude way. Those of you who think that I’m a bxtch would have enjoyed it. But no matter, the notebook is missing and I can’t be bothered enough to tear up my room looking for it. I finally got it sorta kinda almost but not really clean. One thing about Ren that y’all may not know is that I hate to clean. I need to hurry up, sell a book, sign a multi-release deal with film options and get rich so I can afford to have a maid. Oh, and to move out of Michigan forever; hate it here.

Anyway, that’s all this time around boys and girls. I know how much you non-blog commenting blog readers hate it when you have to actually read, so I’m keeping this one short for y’all. Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah busters, don’t say I never did anything for ya. Now, onto the tracks of the day.

First up, we have “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” by Fallout Boy 

which is the only Christmas related song I’m throwin’ on here today. I’m sure somewhere, someone is thinking that this song is about them, but allow me to burst the rather large bubble that may be forming as that person reads:
It’s not, but I’m flattered that you think it is.

Next up, we have some Bach, Cello Suite number…um *sigh* I forget and the information wasn’t on my mp3 player smh. Oh well, I do know that it’s played rather beautifully by Jacqueline du Pre

Now we have two selections by Sebastian Mego first is

”Here Comes One”

And to close this one out, I leave you with “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas

On that note, I’m out. Can’t wait til Saturday when I can stop wit’ the Christmas themed puns and titles, these are tiresome to think up y’know.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bah Humbug You Ho-Ho-Ho

Life is the worlds’ biggest and most expansive learning experience and I’m at the top of my class. I don’t need a tutor.

God rest ye merry gentlemen and women who look the part. How be all of thee? Letting nothing dismay you from the lead astray lives that you lead? Here’s to hoping that you bring tidings of Southern Comfort and joy this holiday season. Alcoholic eggnog will work too. I’m not picky.

How art I?

A little bit crazy, always sexy and relatively cool in a not so calm yet completely collected way. That’s right mister, I’m nice wit’ the puns and witticisms, so it was surely jest when you thought that your quips were superior to my own. Get familiar jo [=

I’m currently tryin’ to figure out a way to get out of the painfully stilted conversation that’s sure to occur this afternoon as I’ve been expressly forbidden from listening to music in my egg donor’s egg donor’s house. My Nana seems to think that ignoring people by perusing my library of 1500+ songs is rude. However; I know for a fact that real rudeness is harping on things that you know nothing about for hours on end. Insisting on trying to fix which isn’t broken in my life by incessant nagging isn’t much better. But no matter, let’s get into this one as I ponder my predicament.

12 Things About Chrismahanukwanzakah That Annoy Me

12) Malls, the annoying people who shop in them and mall Santa’s:
As you know, I’m not the world’s biggest fan of people and the idiocy that seems to be imbedded deep within their genetic code. Malls and Christmas shoppers have helped to make me that way. Every year, the number of people that lose their minds over the “sales” on recently marked up items at stores like Macy’s and JC Penney’s multiplies tenfold as they try to obtain the inane trinkets that are given out as door-busters. Add that to those creepy mall Santa’s—It takes a very special kind of man to have children sitting on his lap all day be his seasonal occupation—it’s pretty easy to see why I don’t eff wit’ the mall unless I have to this time of year.

11) Niggas who break up with you to avoid buying a present:
These are the same niggas that call you up to make plans for New Year’s Eve on December 26th.

10) Holiday Themed Clothing:
Yes, I love Christmas as much as the next person who still rips a corner of wrapping paper off of the presents under the tree to try to figure out what they’re getting. But at the same time, you won’t catch me dressed in a Christmas tree sweater with real working lights; candy cane leggings; boots with bells that jingle; an antler headband and optional red nose.
[I’ve seen it.]
I’d rather skinny dip with Jack Frost, wrestle polar bears and fence with narwhals before I looked like a walking Macy’s display gone horribly and ever so recklessly awry.

9) Tinsel:
Whoever thought up those minute (here pronounced “my-newt”. As in…little. Not the unit of time measurement), glittery pieces of annoyance should be punched in the throat. Twice.

8) Live Christmas trees:
I am a firm believer of and in artificial trees. You see, those wonderful creations of human ingenuity come in assorted styles, colors and sizes. Real trees? Yeah, you get what you get and that’s that. Mother nature will gladly give you a tree that makes Charlie Brown’s look like a 12 foot Douglas Fir and think nothing of it.
Beside that, pine-needles make me itch.

7) Holiday Specials:
All I have to say is that Lifetime and Hallmark should be banned from making pseudo uplifting movies about talking animals and curmudgeonly old geezers with hearts of silver, gold and platinum. Quick, fast and in a hurry.

6) Church Plays:
…I’m gonna watch what  I say on this one as I’m currently writing this as I watch the one that’s being put on by my church. God may just decide to throw a golden Yule log scented with frankincense and myrrh at me. If the thought of being permanently logged out—I know, I know. I couldn’t resist—of my (infamous) life wasn’t enough to make me want to bite my tongue, I’ve synced my blog with my notes on FaceBook. I’m friends with a few of the saints from my local parish.
Y’all know the church be talkin’.

5) Gift wrapping:
I’ve accomplished a lot in my twenty years here on this third rock from the sun, the mastery of the art of effortless awesomeness that in turn makes me better than you on your best day for example. As awesome as I am though, I can’t wrap presents to save mine (infamous) life. Every time I try, I either use too much paper or not enough. Either way, it looks like a flaming hot mess. God invented gift bags and tissue paper for a reason.

4) Salvation Army donation people:
Times are hard and believe me when I say that I know that. I spent the majority of my Saturday doing volunteer work for the holiday. I’m not going to talk about the giving of money because if I’ve been blessed enough to receive it, I can bless someone else by donating it to a good cause. I’m talking about the way that the Salvation Army is trying to guilt people into giving donations by making the frail and sick stand in the cold to ring those bells. The last time Tia and I went shopping, we saw this old lady who had to be at least seventy standing outside a-ring-ring-ringlin’ her bell. I dug deep and slipped a ten into the bucket even though I wanted nothing more than to buy her a scarf and a cup of spiced cider.

3) Snow:
Snow is the devil. The white devil. Every winter, I feel like I’m in a blaxploitation flick. Foxy and a whole lot of woman though I may be, Lemon Cream Caramel Macchiato is fighting a losing battle for warmth and consistently clear sidewalks. Shazaam.

2) Idiots who forget how to drive in the snow:
I live in Michigan. We’re shaped like a frickin’ glove for a reason; we’re no stranger to snow in my “great” state, but that doesn’t stop nitwits from acting like they can’t drive. The other night when I was talkin’ to Conscious on FaceBook and watchin’ rap-battles on YouTube, this person with yellow snow for brains ran into the light-pole outside of mi casa.

1) Christmas Carols:
Look son, I don’t care if you want to buy these here shoes for your momma, Santa Claus can come to town all he wants to, I don’t give a gotdang nor a fanga in the middle about you wantin’ your two front teeth for Christmas and I want every chestnut to pop-pop-pop you in the eye as you roast it over the open fire. I’ve been hearing Christmas carols everyday since Halloween. Every. Day.
I hear them in the stores, on public transportation, in my nightmares, everywhere.

That being said…today’s track of the day is “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” by Kirk Franklin and The Family.


Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah Everyone!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

He Came to Party and Rock

Kanye West isn’t the only artist to fuse hip-hop with Daft Punk’s brand of synth laden Euro-pop. Enter Darren Hanible, a seventeen year old emcee from the area collectively known as the DMV, and his first solo effort, Bliss.
The mixtape opens as our young emcee steps into the role of trainer, delivering a “Workout” that, if followed, will leave trainees and listeners alike harder, better, faster and stronger.

On the hypnotically melodic “Fly Away”, Darren soars while while longing for better days and a place where he can reach his goals. A far cry from the previous songs laidback—and somewhat ‘emo’—vibe, the kid tells listeners what it ain’t if they ain’t know what it is while inviting them to get rowdy and cause a ruckus on the electric guitar driven “Party Rock” until the break of dawn. The song ends with the tolling of a bell and Darren switches gears and explores a place where good times and good vibes are sure to follow as he delves into the “Life”. As the tape advances, he gives listeners a glimpse at the dream he had about his “Digital Love”

From his hat to his shoes and his shirt to his jeans, DH proves himself to be a “Steez Machine” rhyming about the death of swag and continues to drop bar after bar of witty wordplay over Daft Punk’s "Steam Machine". As the track continues to play, he gives his own personal definition of steez
Steez is all natural
It can’t be imitated
Steez is individual
It can’t be related
…Steez is in the walk and the talk and the clothes

and let’s the whole world know about the new move before embracing his style, his steez, and waving goodbye to swag for a final time.
Switching gears once more, we find our young emcee confessing that he knows he just met this girl he saw across the room, but there’s somethin’ in the way she walks that makes him want to get her. The chorus concedes that it “Mite Not Be” the right time and that he may not be the right one and it may not even be the right time but he’d be willing to discover what’s between them anyway.
Seeking to undo the damage that radio has done, Darren challenges listeners to open their minds as he effortlessly steps into the role of “Brainwasher”, rinsing the images of what’s hot and what’s not from our minds and showing that hip-hop can still be fun without the common themes of drugs and violence.

Whether he’s trying to fly away to better days, talking about his “Girls (Around the World)” or administering a killer workout, Darren Hanible succeeds in painting a picture of how he “Feels” while showing off the lyrical dexterity that belies his seventeen years. Despite his flaws and imperfections, he proves himself to be “Human After All” and that is truly…
Click the track-listing to download.
click to download

For more Darren Hanible:
Follow him on Twitter and befriend him on MySpace 

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It Happens to the Best of Us. Then it Happens to You

Before I get into this post, time for a random screenshot of a conversation between Lil One and I

This was back in October iThink. As a matter of fact...this was one of the last times that we seriously chopped it up on AIM since this nicca hardly ever signs on anymore *sad face* Oh. And the porn was whackness. Just to throw it out there.

So. Effin’. Rude.

But anyway…

Hey y’all, what it is, what it look like and all that good stuff? How the heck be you gnomes, elves and assorted ho-ho-ho’s?
Y’know, Santa isn’t the only one who has a list that he checks twice so y’all best be on your uh…best behavior. While I’m not omnipresent—triple word score bxtches (=—I do have spies all over and I know exactly when your being naughty and nice. For example…you? Yes, you, the light skinned dude wit’ the body who resides out on the east-coast? Yeah…you can be a naughty boy all you like, as long as you do it on webcam where I can monitor you…


I’m just playin’ gotdangit, sheesh!

I don’t have access to the internet right now, so who knows when I’m going to get the chance to post this or any other post that I may write. As it is, I finally finished rewriting the overview that I did for Darren Hanible and told him that I would email it to him before I post it, but…no net.


So, I’m about to do a random countdown, from ten to one, of things that have crossed my mind today and otherwise. It shall be fun. For y’all. Maybe. I don’t know. Don’t really care at the moment either, too bored for that


Let’s get into it.

10 Things I Always Wished I Could Say to 10 People

10) Yeah…you’re the main reason I don’t date Lansing niggas.
9) Love and Basketball is not that great of a movie
[Yeah, I said it. And?]
8) You’re not a big fan of thinking before you speak, are you?
7) Thank you.
6) You stupid, stupid cow. I told you not to get that niggas name tatted on you!
5) I do.
4) For someone so incredibly smart, you are so unbelievably stupid. Open your eyes. Please?
3) I don’t have it in me to hate anyone, but if I did, it would definitely be you for what you did.
2) I will make it, fxck you for not believing in me.
1) Siempre.

9 Things About Me You May or May Not Know

9) the “R” in my first name is capitalized for a reason and I hate it when people don’t spell my name the right way or think that the capitalization changes the way my name is pronounced.
“LauRen” is pronounced the same way as “Lauren”
thank you kindly.
8) I’m a Leo, the best fire sign ever in the history of everdom
7) “Never will I ever utter never to myself” word to Wale
6) I have a scar that’s shaped like a lizard on my left ankle from the surgery I had after I broke my ankle on Valentine’s Day 2003
5) I’m a Bible Bowl Champion
4) I took a huge chance over the summer and risked everything that I know and I’m still hoping that what I did was worth the risk. Still waiting to find out…
3) I was that quiet girl in HS who always had her nose in a book
2) I can’t leave the house without my music, a book, a notebook and at least one tube of lip-gloss
1) My life is a harmonious dichotomy. I’m an enigmatic, contradiction of a conundrum and that my friends, enemies and hybrid of the two, is my defense mechanism of choice.

8 Ways to Win My Friendship
8) Honesty is indeed the best policy ladies and gents.
7) Be yourself. If I wanted more fakeness, I’d associate with more bxtches from Lansing
6) Be prepared to deal with my sarcasm. No one is safe from it, if you can’t handle that, your application for the position of friend to The (Infamous) One hath already been denied.
5) Have a sense of humor…but don’t try too hard. If you have to struggle to get laughs, you may as well give it up.
4) Be prepared to subscribe to my issues. I have more than a few and if you deal with mine, I’ll deal with yours in return
3) Don’t be afraid to speak your mind—about anything.
2) Be there when I need you. Not that I’m gonna have you bail me outta jail or anything like that—that responsibility lies wit’ the bestie—just be there when I need someone to talk to, I’ll appreciate it and you.
1) Don’t bullshxt me. I don’t have the time for that foolishness and you do not want to know what happens when I find out you lied to me. Tis not a pretty sight homies and ho’s.

7 Things That Crossed My Mind Today
7) What the hell? How did this end up under my bed?
6) Wonder what’ll happen if I do end up writing that?
5) No the hell she did not take my effing modem away! What is this bullshxt? What am I, three and a half, cuz I mean, really?
4) I kinda miss that…*sad face*
3) Wonder what Jay would say about everything that’s goin’ on right now
2) Eeny, Meany, Miney, Mo, which one of these ho’s should I make hit that stroll?
1) Argh—like a pirate—I have writing to do

6 Things That I Do Before Bed
6) Talk on the phone for a couple of hours[usually until I fall asleep]
5) pick out pjs before saying a loud “eff it” and falling asleep in an oversized t-shirt
4) read/write
3) listen to music
2) shower
1) say a prayer for Him

5 Songs I Listened to Today
5) “Classic” Conscious

4) “Can't Shake Me” Lazy Eye

3) “I Think I Love You” Dwele

2) “Say Something Freestyle” Darren Hanible

1) “My Immortal” Evanescence

4 Things That I’m Wearing Right Now
4) Burgundy toe-socks
3) white tank top
2) tan coatdress
1) flip-flops
[Say somethin’. I dare ya.]

3 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
3) Live again…
2) Get the eff you see kay outta Michigan for good
1) Get published

2 People Who Mean the World to Me
2) The bestie Tia
1) Him

1 Confession
1) I’m afraid too you know, but no matter how scared I was, I never ran. Wish you could say the same.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

I don’t like people.

Real ish, I detest, despise, loathe, abhor and just all around can’t stand people. Actual ones at least. Y’all know how I feel about theoretical people, they’re great, wish I knew more of ‘em.

Today’s actual people fxck up goes to my loving evil little sister Victoria. Peep this snippet of a conversation that she had with one of her friends during church a couple of weeks back.

Boogie: I don’t like Kameo!
M: You don’t like anyone, what’s new? >:|
Boogie: I like people, just not Kameo, Sarah, Tammy or Erika
M: Which One
Boogie: Not Tianna’s mom but the other one
M: Y?
Boogie: Cuz she tries to tell me what to do
M: Like…?
Boogie: In dance class she acts like she’s Kameo and Sarah!
M: Well, she is an adult, she’s just trying to better you
Boogie: Well it ain’t workin’
M: She’s really nice
Boogie: Well not to me she’s not!
M: Okay? Y do u not like Tammy?
Boogie: She can’t sing and act’s all stuck up and junk!
[the egregious use of the exclamation point is killin’ me softly]
M: How do she act stuck up?
Boogie: She acts like she’s better than everyone…
M: Wow, you just described yourself to me
Boogie: No, no, no. I know that I’m better than some people cuz of their confidence level
M: Wow, and you call Tammy stuck up
Boogie: Me and Tammy are two different people
M: Yeah, but Tammy isn’t stuck up
Boogie: And neither am I
[*cough* bullshxt *cough*]
M: Girl boom
Boogie: Um…no comment
M: But f you asked Tammy 4 anything, if she had it she would give it to you. You? Not so much
Boogie: Yes I would
M: Then give me a dollar

*sighs and rolls eyes*

You know that way that I joke about bein’ better than other people? Yeah, in virtually every one of my posts? That? Yeah, it’s just me talkin’ my shxt. Despite what you read here, I’m quite humble and don’t believe that I’m better than any…erm, many people. And those that I’m quote unquote better than, it’s not me as a person that’s specifically better than the other person, it’s one or more of my qualities that’s better. Boogie on the other hand?

Not so much.

“Shh; The Feds is Listenin’”

I’m tryin’ to come up with an introduction that would tie in with the idiotic hilarity of which you’re about to listen to but…I got nothin’, nothin’ at all.

I suppose that this is what I get for asking

I was bored. Sue me.

and I should’ve know that this would happen when this was the response that I got

With that being said, listen to the crazy ass recklessness that Lil One left in my Google Voice inbox.

Part One

Part Two

Friday, December 11, 2009

Go Elf Yourself—A Christmas Story

Tis the season for overcrowded shopping malls, fighting over toys that your kids wont even appreciate at Toys R Us and it’s over the river and through the hood to Nana’s house you go. That’s right ho-ho-ho’s, it’s Chrismahanukwanzakah time!

If you were in yearly Christmas pageant at your local church like I was growing up, then you know that Jesus is the reason for the season (oh yes He is y’all). Cynical, sarcastic and rude as all hell though I may be, I don’t question my faith. However, this isn’t about what I do and don’t believe in. Nope. This is where I get to make gross speculations and/or wild accusations about who and whatever tickles my fancy as the—Chrismahanukwanzakah—spirit guides my fingers over the keys.

I love Christmas; it’s one of my favorite times of the year. I get to see relatives I don’t normally get to see and I’m reminded of how thankful I am for that by my second glass of non-alcoholic eggnog. There’s the yearly appearance of the  dreaded photo-album and the reliving of 90’s fashion along with the realization that my mother really didn’t love me as a child based on the colors and patterns that were mixed together in the name of an outfit. There’s also the fam sitting around the fireplace with mugs of hot coco actually acting civil towards each other. Where am I? The (Infamous) One is sitting across the room throwin’ pointed side-eye’s, all out glares and straight unadulterated evil vibes from my place on the heating grate because I’m convinced these busters secretly want me to freeze.

Speaking of me freezing…

I need to get the hell outta Michigan before I turn into a lemon caramel Rencicle.

Just this morning when I went to go shovel, the temperature was 14 here in Lansing but with the wind-chill it felt like –2.

I put on two pairs of socks, leggings, pajama pants and my jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, an oversized hoody and my heavy leather coat. Still not sure why, but I thought that that would be sufficient protection from the Michigan cold, but as soon as I stepped off the porch, the boogers in my nose—yes, the boogers bxtches, I have them too, but unlike you, I don’t pick and eat mine—turned to small blocks of ice. Please believe I’m not shxttin’ y’all right now when I say that I coughed and created a cloud that hung in midair for 3.667 seconds before it fell to the ground and shattered.

I shoveled that and what remained of the snow in my driveway up and turned back to my house to find my neighbor on my porch stealing my salt.

I silently watched him scuttle back over to his property to finish his sidewalk with the pilfered rock salt. Walking up the steps, I opened the door to Chez Ren and grabbed my liter of Aquafina then proceeded to go outside and dump the contents of the 33.8 FL. OZ bottle of H2O on the four doors of his Taurus. I went back in the house to wait for his doors to freeze.

Watching him stand in the cold as he tried to open his doors while I sipped on hot coco from the comfort of my couch was a nice early Christmas present if I do say so myself.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Return of The Ren and Tia Show

I just rewatched this for the third time and…lmao, we’re a mess.

No lengthy introduction, just a video shot with the bestie and directly uploaded to Vimeo. The YouTube link will be up soon, as will the second part to our madness

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I Blame The Egg Donor and Sibling Unit


I am not in a good effin’ mood right now. Which sucks, I was geeked like shxt less than half an hour ago. I’m not about to even talk about the reasons behind my geekage as it would do absolutely nothin’ but piss me off now, so, I’m gonna throw up some tracks of the day since I’ve neglected to do so for a while now.

First up, we have “Michelle” by
Joaquin Flores.

Next up, we have “This is your captain speaking” by
Lazy Eye

After that I present to you “Black Sugar” by [my duder]

Expect to see a lot more music by him on here. Not because we’re cool with each other, but because this is my type of hip-hop. I selected the above song at random because they’re all that good. Trust. Would I steer you wrong when it comes to my music?

And last, but most certainly not least is “This Means War” by up and coming emcee
Darren Hanible


I’m so irked right now that I can’t even give any of the artists that I’ve featured in this post the proper praise they deserve. Ugh. I feel like I’m cheating them out of something =(

At least I’ll be able to make up for it when I post my review of D. Hanible’s Bliss project later on this week or early next week depending on my schedule. As for everyone else, I’ll be more descriptive when I post their music in future entries.

On that note, I’m out.

I’m so effin’ irked I didn’t even use 300 effin’ words. Fxck. It’s that bad right now smh.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

And I’ve Got Nothing to Say On This Shxt

A picture is worth a thousand words and all that right?
Well, I’m not sayin’ shxt, I’ll let the pix do the talking

The new whip, 07 Impala LTZ. Look at the fxckin' snow comin' down. And it's gettin' worse. Fxck

the old car, 2000 Sable, straight piece of SHXT, need to get that bxtch towed

my handwriting is truly much cuter than that, but...iWas writing in the snow. That shxt is cold. *shrugs*

Self explanatory

iMean that shxt too

That was after only like a half an hour of snow…


I hate Michigan winters

Of Vienna Sausages and Cocktail Wieners

Did another audio-blog out of boredom so…here it is.

For those of you who can’t hear the audio for whatever reason, this is basically what I said:

What it is, what it look like and all that good shxt, it's ya girl Ren. How be ye knaves, paupers, assorted commoners, princes who look like princesses and vice versa?
How be's me?
Eh, I'm aight, just sittin' here, answering my work and personal email, bored and gettin'...how do you say, irked as in more than not a lotta bit and exceeding even more than that. Gon' head and let it marinate in your spirit. Try to absorb what I'm saying.
*hums the jeopardy theme*
You got it? Understandin' what it is that I'm sayin'? Good, gold star and applause for you
*claps hands*
So, along with music and music videos and other things of that nature, I get a shxt load of...well, I guess you could call it amateur porn from the guys that are tryin' to snatch away my vcard, however, Ren finds this shxt to be annoying.
Day after effing day there are new pics from my air quotes suitors in various states of undress and for the most part? Yeah, I'm not impressed.
Sure, there's this guy who has this body that sorta, kinda, almost um yeah, makes me wanna spend long hours licking whipped cream off of his six pack but uh, one, I'm a card carrying good girl and two son just doesn't have the equipment necessary for the procurement of mine virginity. It's just...he's so tiny!
Y'all know what vienna sausages look like, ryte? Yeah...like one and a half of those and you've got him. The message he attached that particular picture to said that he was cold when he took it and that explains the rinky-dinkness of his size, but I for one look at it this way
Why would you not take a pic when you're, y'kno, warm and able to show off your optimum length and width? Cuz that? Yeah, if I were to go thru wit' it and fxck him--which will NEVER EVER EVER EVER in the history of NEVERDOM happen--I'm pretty sure that I'd still technically be a virgin. Just sayin'.
So...cheah, I'm done wit' this one...layta

If I decide to continue doin’ these, they’ll get better. I promise.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I'ma Tell You What It Ain't If You Ain't Know What It Is

There’s a ho in this house, when you see her point ‘er out

*points at your girlfriend*

Hey there, ho there—*points at that girl I don’t like*—how do ya do? What’s goin’ on folks, how is everything? Y’all good? If not, let me know and I’ll help you come up with a fun and quite possibly illegal solution to your problem. It’s the least I could do for y’all; it is the Season for Giving after all. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t try to help you out in your time of need?
The correct answer is a terrible one.

At the most, I’m dreadful, perhaps appalling, but never terrible. Don’t get it twisted, I don’t play that shxt. Shoot.

As for me, ya girl is currently sittin’ at the bus station, gettin’ more than a little bit annoyed with my surroundings and the people surrounding me.

There’s a gaggle of goons fifteen feet away that are watching my chest move up and down as I inhale and exhale while making crude remarks that would get them maced and cut from east to west if they were to act on them. As it is, I’m contemplating the rearrangement of their facial landscape. These niggas are outta line smh.

To the right of me is one of the guys that’s been tryin’ to holla on MySpace—I know, we been off that—for the longest. Thankfully, son doesn’t recognize me. Last time that I bothered to answer one of his messages, I told him that I was moving to Jackson to live with The Sperm Donor and El Jefe. If he were to realize who this caramel complexioned bit of thickness that is me is, he’d get up and walk over here in his Obama J’s—I’m far from a sneaker-head, but  uh…I know that those bxtches are as official as these are—and make an attempt at verbal communication.

Because of the bad ass children that are running around and the scent of industrial strength Pine-Sol that’s hanging in the air like a noxious cloud, I am not in a good mood. The rather loud females behind me that should be slapped by an AKA for the abuse of the colors green and pink in their kinky twists are also fueling the flames of my aggravation and when you add it to the fact that I’m at the fxcking bus station, I’m in one of those moods where I could shut a nigga down and not give a damn about it.

Luckily for him, he still doesn’t know who I am, and luckily for me, my bus is here.

How Do Ya Make Somethin’ So Easy So Complicated?

Hey there humans and human impersonators, how art thou and…yeah, I don’t feel like wasting my brilliance on y’all by coming up with an introduction, so I’m gonna let this shxt speak for itself.


I decided to fxck around wit’ Google Voice this morning out of extreme boredom, so I left myself a few vmails to embed on the blog. Take a listen to me ramble aimlessly then peep the translation that Google was kind enough to provide me with.

And it and I was going on what it is really look like I'll be made to know what I did there at the posted for that they have a regular basis. If you are over in and right now I'm just bored at home taking a break a quick break from us bedding from the final 8 of the M's and wanted to move around them to. Anyway, there, I'm a ex so I just decided to do that because I have a set of video in a while, and I'd see if you are now. But one might hear it. But see you and I don't, so I'm trying to make my camera worked long enough to do that so. 3. I'm not doing it. Okay so yet. Ford and my just around doable voice and but some more. I did okay yeah get the M. Right now I see why people say that you need to come down a lot. Anyway, there's no point of this month so I don't even know if I'm going to use it, but on the 10th avenue hi and yes okay i'm i'm. I'm done I'm done. I think it's now I don't think I am actually and then two questions lessons. Yes, this is whether I talked to my cellphone at routine in regular basis. Don't have questions because I don't have any a quick break so we see it, anything up. It was I. Dan, I want to let me know yeah, and I think them done. I think maybe that mister. Now i got nothing but now I think you know no. Okay, I'm babysit.


Yeah, Google didn’t get any better wit’ the translation. Observe.

Hey there, You analyze how goes it. If you are in and right now. I'm basically just really really really really really bored right now. So I decide to try and set so mike avoid in letting out in and this is like, well, okay, it's just me bring myself avoid because I've really kinda sad to think about this is for nothing else, because it's going on blocks anyway, this is the show people that if you leave me avoid smell on my google voice number and you say something out the way in does come out the side of your neck with some. I will not hesitate to post this on my blog and put you on what I've without a person, and I am. I'm tired of being nicer up and get and the metro. Despite what you may think I would. You may have heard the site all that but so yes, I'm bored, you might expect. Well you know you times ice. Maybe you should expect more info. Audio blogs and when that because I don't feel like trying to get my camera still Workman enough to shoot a video and I'm leaving like that. So, I mean if you can use that they're here in talk on the phone 6. So whether there's a lot but yeah so, is there anything hey it's shattering or special War you need. Gore anything that I would like to bring up at the moment you know now. I didn't have a fantastic am island get. This is with that top. That's a leave. Yeah I might think that I don't talk the way that I write on my blog, but when I feel like it. I do so my part. I'm really quite Britain. I'm line with it, but I am quite, but I did talk with those a lot if I know you and when that as well. You don't talk, too, because I don't know this is whether I talked and this is leave that up and everything like that, but I decide. That's it, the check but please note that they're anything but i'm crazy because I'm not. I'm just a little and will and right now. You can tell. Ha ha. Okay, I really think that I should like quite before I d something or say something. That's, like, really, really, really, really, really save it. Well thank you it. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much already back. So yes, is just like that talking now but I can't. I mean I can be done with it. It's me, yes. Hey, I'm gonna grab a box. I think project. Yeah, I think I meant. I think. And yeah i'm down. Hi, Okay, I'm gonna be, but I was or.

Yeah…I know. I was bored. Forgive me. Here’s the last one.

Hey Sam people. How goes it to go over in hey. Right now I'm bored. I'm trying to mess up to come down because I've tried to do this like 3 times already and I just labeled on and on and on and on it on him. A message that I West End. Thank you and that's about anyway. And yeah, it was like listening to one of my blog post, times 4 and at it yet. Are you know that's let me know that if you get that, but at the out because you know anyone come at the what the F black airport. Yeah, exactly, so anyway he could. Yeah, I'm just boy. I just wanted to do a little quick audio blog because I can't do my my videos at the moment because of my camera and so yeah, there's nothing special going on this Lane say when I'm too i'm bored. I'm Hungry Stay, and I'm trying to do the white decide about what the cost would like to bring me breakfast because I feel like cooking right now. You know how that is great, like you're hungry, but you know with that they will be so much easier to just called money and have them bring you yet, but the thing is, the people that I could call the bringing my breakfast. Hi exactly like I don't have time to meet you, which is weird because I keep dealing with. Please make it on everything. Thank you, basis. That's it for some reason it's not the right way, Hi Dylan, one-on-one see when I'm bored, which is the routine and like you later thank you going to happen. Yeah, I have no clue what up on the saying little voice vote coming up in about a home for you about things about so at least I think all the time is of the from going on and on mon. Although I did. We walked in about the fact that because I don't want to do that. So, hit it yet. I guess that is an appointed as one just before. So yeah, you know heading on this one like you do on my blog since let me know that they'd ever you know, leave me what time it let you know Sandra Sandra you saw that you know whatever food I could you Tuesday. But don't feel like thinking of ones. Okay, so I'm about to be like cut off and I think I don't know what the dell mate some pancakes and bacon for breakfast because I wouldn't have to be willing to think it was 2 family in the morning and need to have one side. If not, so to the next time. Yeah post and replace pretty soon. And yeah like.

I guess that I’ll have to come up with scripts or cue-cards and shxt the next time I do this lol.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Where’s the Figgy Pudding Bxtch?

Hey there Saturday night sinners and Sunday morning fakers saints, how be thee? Are ya feelin’ particularly saved, sanctified and filled wit’ the Holy Ghost after you uploaded the pix of  your drunken and/or high adventures at the club last night to FaceBook this morning before you went to Sunday School?  You are?

Good to know.

How be’s me? Eh, I’m aight. Know what, eff it, I am effin’ fantastical right now! Ya girl is currently sittin’ in the car outside of the Meridian Mall’s Younkers, still high off of the shopping that I just did.
I got this cute little short skirt, this adorable white blouse and a black one that compliments my inherent sexiness, some black zippered leggings, a black sweater, three pairs of hobo gloves, two pairs of pants a necklace and some other accessories…

For $25!

Let me hear a woot woot for awesome discounts and the awesome staff at The Avenue!

Me heart thee, yes I does, mmhmm.

Anyway, let’s get into this one y’all. It’s a re-up and edit of my last post with my commentary and a bit of backstory. Maybe a screen shot here and there, who’s to say?

Ah, Google Voice. Easily one of the best inventions those geniuses at Google have ever created. Way better than that Google Wave bullshxt at any rate. It’s boring as shxt unless you have a bunch of people to Wave with and speaking of which, I have three invites left sitting in my inbox. If you want one, drop me a blog comment with your email addy and I’ll send you one. Seeing as none of y’all enjoy leaving me blog comments, I’ll probably just randomly send these invites out to random people. But I digress.

Google Voice is awesome y’all--let me take this time out to thank my duder Drewski for sending me the invite. Ren appreciates you Drew (=. Google gave me a new number for free and with that free number comes free SMS (txt) messaging and free long distance. So…cheah.

Last night, I was deleting all…erm, most of the dirty pictures that find their way into my email and txting people from my GV number when I get a message from Kentonathan—one of my nicknames for him…

K:  Punk   12:33 AM

Me: whatchu want nicca. and iAm NOT a punk 12:34 AM
K: O its like that? What I want? And u was supposed to call me back punkl 12:35 AM 
Me: uh...yeah, it is. Got a problem? AND I FELL ASLEEP FOO'! Sheesh. Dang. Geez. Peanuts. All that. 12:36 AM
K: Don't be gettin smart with me,and u didn't fall asleep, u went to sleep fool lol am I bothering u? 12:37 AM
Me: dont be tryin to get buck in a txt message. I'll punch you in the face when you take me to the movies then make u buy me popcorn. And SO?? 12:38 AM

Oh, yeah. Kentasia is taking me to a movie. In fact, he’s taking me to two of them.

...[>_______<] iSwear fo' BOB the next person to call me lite bright, light skin, yellow, etc. etc. is gettin' kicked in the eye. Twice.

Me: Why you always callin' so late nicca? Hmph. And not yet lmao 12:39 AM
K: Ain't nobody gettin buck, u started nigga 12:39 AM

K: Been busy allday I got a head ache, and u ain't been on aim all day foo and what u mean not yet? Lol whateva 12:40 AM
Me: You ARE gettin' buck! And im about to finish this shxt too. Whatchu gon' do? Nigga. 12:41 AM
K: U ain't gon finish shit, u started somethin u can't finish like always lol 12:41 AM

*rolls eyes* son knows not what he speaks of. I finish what I start. Excluding those 23 Days…*cough* moving on.

Me: iAint start shxt. You...ugh *kicks the neighbors Pomeranian puppy* 12:42 AM

ah, yeah, that’s a running thing wit’ me. Sometimes, certain people annoy you so much that you just need to take out your aggressions on something so cute it’s sick. And, before any of you try and call those fxcktards that stand for the ethical treatment of animals, I am indeed joking. I can’t kick puppies, that’s just rude. Now a kitten on the other hand…

K: Lmao poor puppy, u r mean! 12:44 AM
Me: iDont give a gotdamn! And SOOOOO? Hmph. 12:44 AM
K: Stop bein mean b4 I put u in a headlock and give u a noogie 12:45 AM
Me: you. wouldn't. dare. 12:46 AM
K: O yes I would hehehe 12:47 AM
Me: then prepare to get that ass whooped in the worst fashion, have it videotaped, put on YouTube then sent to all ur friends. 12:49 AM
K: Lmao riiite 12:49 AM

…he thought I was joking.

K: Whateva u ain't gon do nuthin but take that noogie like the champ u r lol, what u doin? 12:50 AM
Me: riiiite is uh...right. And u can choke on a toe thinkin' that shxt. Nothin for the moment, takin' a break. u? 12:52 AM
K: I ain't chokin on nuthin lol. What u takin a break from? Just abt to lay down, tryna get rid of this headache 12:53 AM
Me: so u say. And workin' on my lesson plan for tomorrow. And take yo' self to bed 12:54 AM K: Oo ok I see, u take yo self to bed chump lol 12:56 AM
Me: good, ur eyes are open then. And no. Shut up 12:58 AM
K: Hush lol and ladies 1st 12:59 AM
Me: im not tired so...yerp 1:01 AM
K: So what, u need to sleep 1:02 AM
Me: not yet. Shut up. 1:04 AM
K: Yea yea yea , u shut up! Meanie! 1:05 AM
Me: *shuts up* 1:07 AM
K: Yea u betta, that's right! 1:08 AM

This person…

Me: *makes a rather rude hand gesture and sends it your way* 1:10 AM
K: Hmmm I wonder what that gesture was lol 1:11 AM
Me: it was rude. thats all u need to kno 1:11 AM
Kent: Whateva, u prolly flipped me off lol 1:12 AM
Me: Nope 1:13 AM
K: Gang signs? Lmao 1:13 AM
Me: dont worry about it. just kno iSent a signal. Buttons is on his way 1:16 AM
K: Who the hell is that? Lol buttons? Sounds like its nothing I can't handle lol 1:17 AM
Me: Buttons is my dwarf in steeltoed boots w/poison tipped spurs 1:20 AM

Oh, you mad you don’t have a semi-murderous dwarf on your team? Suck it the eff up and make due.

K: Lmfao damn, where the hell u be comin up with this stuff? Crazy! 1:20 AM
Me: ...who says it aint tru? And iAm not crazy 1:24 AM
K: Cuz its not fool, and u know it. U sure ur not? 1:25 AM
Me: Yeah, aight, when Buttons kicks in your door, don't say shxt. And positive 1:27 AM
K: Lol riiight, who says Buttons is going to even make it to the door? Ill pop is ass b4 he even makes it on the porch lol 1:28 AM
Me: Buttons says so. He just sent me a txt. iTold him you don't believe in him but still believe in Santa and he got pissed. You'll see. He ain't scared 1:29 AM
K: Lmao I don't believe in no damn fat ass white guy in a polyester red and white jump suit lol and he don't want it, trust me. U ain't gotta be scared to g 1:31 AM
K: et bust lol 1:31 AM
Me: Yes you do. You aint gotta lie. Your bro told me that you wait up in footy pj's every year for him and bake him cookies for scratch and that you're still 1:33 AM
Me: waitin' on that 10 speed that you've wanted since you were 10. iKno whats good. And Buttons said you can stop discriminating toward dwarves and he's really 1:34 AM
Me: gon' kick ya ass now. You've been warned 1:34 AM
K: Riiight that's a damn lie, what out 4 that lighning lol, and u don't even kno my bro. 1:34 AM
Me: Yeah. Uh huh. There is no lightning comin' mine way and SO? 1:35 AM
K: Lol I don't discriminate towards dwarves lol. And I had a 10 speed I don't need 1! Lol 1:36 AM
K: So if u don't know my bro, how could he tell u those lies? Duh lol and it will be, just wait lol 1:36 AM
Me: iTold Buttons that you did. And no you didnt. It was a 1 speed 1:37 AM
K: There I no such thing as a 1 speed fool, and F button! Tell him to come meet me in the square! Lol 1:39 AM
Me: yes there is. It's a bike. The speed is as fast as your feet go. Duh. And Buttons says "you don't want it wit' me nigga" and also that you're almost as short 1:42 AM
Me: as he is and wonders if you ever thought about being legally classified as a dwarf 1:42 AM

Buttons also said “this nigga don’t want it wit’ me, I’ll bust his head til’ the white meat shows”, but I didn’t mention this to Kentuckyfried—one word. He was scared enough as it is, didn’t wanna give him a heart attack. He still has to take me to a flick.


K: Wow ok, well my feet move way faster than "1" so I never had a "1" speed lol and ur the same height as me, so he should've asked u instead of me. 1:47 AM
Me: yeah, uh huh. And Buttons knows better than to start w/me. And I'm taller than you. 1:48 AM
K: Right, sure u r, well buttons should know not to start w/me then, cuz u sent him @ me cuz u can't handle me urself, so he should know, if he can't handle 1:50 AM
K: u, he def can't handle me 1:50 AM
Me: iAm. And iSend Buttons to handle my light work. So...take that how you will 1:53 AM

That right there, my mixture of abrasive cuteness and all around weirdness, is the milkshake that brings the boys to the yard. I am like this on a routine and oh so regular basis with just about everyone, regardless of their gender. However, I’m even worse with the guys just because I can be. And they love it.

Ol’ masochistic…lol

Friday, December 4, 2009

Who Else You Know Wit’ Custom Jolly Rancher Beads?

I’m not even about to hit y’all with one of my somewhat lengthy, totally awesome and utterly brilliant introductions tonight. It’s not just that I don’t want to because I feel as though my brilliance is being wasted on people who won’t acknowledge it—those who don’t leave blog comments but stalk my blog on a somewhat regular basis—but I can’t even do it tonight.

See, I’m pretty sure that I’m on my way to hell (*knocks on wood, crosses self, says a couple of Hail Mary’s and does an Indian rain dance just in case*) and I need to dress for the weather. Just ask my lil sis Tweekygirlbandit, she knows just how important that is, especially if you plan on taking an extended trip way down under. Ain’t that right lil one?

Take a look at what has me searchin’ for my booty shorts and flip-flops.

“I dated Sarah Lee, Little Debbie, Grimace…I lay Grimace down and ate him like a cookie…”

You hear that sound?

Yeah, that’s the Hell Express. If you laughed at that video at all you need to pack up ya coochie-cutters and  a couple of Chris Brown Wifebeaters. Hell is gon’ be hot y’all.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

VA is for Lovers, Why All the Pressure in MI?

Howdy and how be ye air quotes good people?
Surprised that I’m not gonna take it as far as I usually do?
I don’t feel like it today; if you want abuse call up one of your local dominatrices. I don’t care where you are, there are at least three of ‘em in your town.
The internet is still down in mi casa. After I wrote my poetic, alliterative, description of myself and the breakdown of my thought process, I spent a good two hours tryin’ to fix my wireless router so I could post it. To no frickin’ avail. This is day three of me being without my internet and I can’t take too much more of this shxt. Not only do I get bored easily and relieve said boredom by blog cruising, not only does it make no sense whatsoever for a blogger to be without the frickin’ net, but I’ve got work that I need to do this week and I do it all online. I can’t even hi-jack an unprotected wi-fi signal from one of my neighbors. The weather conditions are suck and make the signal strength suck even more than it usually does.
So, no tellin’ when y’all will see this one, hopefully mom will hurry up and call those fxckers at Comcast and I can post soon. I think that Biggby is closed or I’d go down the street to the nearest one, have a Caramel Marvel and a chocolate chip muffin and answer all of my email. Oh, and post my blogs of course.
I wish that I’d been able to make it to the DMV this year for Thanksgiving for a few reasons.
1) It’s the DMV. I’m in love with the whole “urea” and I’ve got a shxt load of people and places that I wanna see. Plus
2) it’s not MI and that’s more than good enough for me.
3) Lil One and I have business to attend to, namely the perpetuation of a drive by committed with backpack super soakers full of melted yellow snow…cones. Eric keeps saying that he wont do it but he has yet to experience my extreme sad face, poked out bottom lip and puppy about to be euphonized at an overcrowded shelter look. We’d be rollin’ down the highway in his Gremlin rappin’ along to “Typical” before he knew what hit him.
But, due to some extreme loafage on behalf of my benefactress, ya girl was stuck at home for the holiday.
Oh. Frickin’. Joy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love mi familia, I do. I would even go as far as to say that I’m thankful for them because I am. But do I like them all the time?
No. Hell no.
This year was much like last year in the way that damn near all of the prep and cooking duties fell to yours truly. They say that it’s to prepare me for when I move out and host my own Thanksgiving dinners at my place. I say it’s because they’re lazy as shxt and that they’ll be lucky to even know where I live once I’m gone. I don’t have privacy behind the locked door of my bedroom. I refuse to let my apartment be the same way.
I didn’t mind the cooking, I enjoyed it actually.
I made collard greens, corn bread, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, a peach pie and a sweet potato pie. I also cooked the turkey. Now that, cookin’ the bird, had me worried a lil bit. If I effed up and didn’t produce a juicy, moist turkey, I never woulda heard the end of it from the fam.
No, it wasn’t the cooking that got to me, it was the eating arrangements. For some, still unknown to me, reason, I was sat next to Nana…

Look, I love my grandmother y’all but she could miss me with her constant complaining. My aunt had barely finished saying grace when Nana looked around the table, sighed oh so dramatically sand remarked
”I don’t like this; we need men around the table. I’m tired of all these female faces.”
I took that as my cue to go to the buffet we had set up to fix my plate. When I got back to the table with my plate, Nana turned to me and in a stage whisper she asked, “Reni, don’t you want a man?”
In lieu of an answer, I forked some sweet potatoes into my mouth and concentrated on chewing and making sure my bra strap didn’t show. But did my non-answer deter Nana? Sadly…no.
”Honestly, you’re getting older LauRen, don’t you wanna get married soon?”
Married? Soon? Uh…no. I’m good on that. I’ve been twenty less that four months and here she is in the pursuit of great-grandchildren. Lawd.
If 2012 isn’t the end of the world like everyone says it is—don’t start wit’ me on that foolishness, I don’t believe it. They basically said the same shxt about Y2K and nine years later here we are—I do indeed see myself getting married. But not before that. Well, there is only one exception to tat rule and it would be if the one who already bought my ring would get down on one knee and asked me…
Nana went on to say that she had a vision that our entire family and my still faceless man would be going on a cruise next year for Christmas. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask that Nana gets her vision corrected as I have one of my own. Next Christmas, I see myself far the fxck away from Lansing and my family. And if there does happen to be a man in the picture, no way in hell would I subject him to the mess that is my family. See, my family is the type of thing that could make someone break up with you on Christmas and as mi familia doesn’t drink, I wouldn’t be able to cope with the nonsense by drinking cup after cup of alcohol rich egg nog.
Later on in the car, mom told me that Nana had a point. That I won’t be warm at night without a man. I gave her my soon to be patented, “what the fxck is this sick shxt spewing out of your mouth right now? Do you not hear and recognize your nonsense? look and told her
”I’ll be plenty warm under my electric blanket”
Then I put my Skull Candy’s back on and zoned to Evanescence’s Fallen album.
Tryin’ to get me coupled up with some Lansing nigga. Bah.