Tuesday, July 28, 2009

To the one who may get away

You can call me a lot of things but I can guaran-damn-tee that heartless isn’t one of them. I’ve never loved in a way that would just be easy to walk away from and this time, with this man is no different. No, that’s a lie. It is different. Much different.

This time it’s really real and this time…

I really will be heartbroken, especially if it ends like this.

Below is an excerpt of a letter that I’m writing. It’s not even close to being finished but I’ll post the end result when it's done. Why am I posting it? Because, even if I can’t tell him how it is, I can tell someone. Maybe you don’t get it but it makes sense to me



Oh my love,

I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say anything.

I love you Quan. I have since the first time I heard you and Nina speak Spanish to each other. I realized that I’m in love with you the first time that Rico’s lips met mine on that day and it’s your arms that I wish were holding me and your lips that I was kissing. From the very beginning the feelings were there and even now in the I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it-but-I-hope-it-isn’t-the-end” I can honestly tell you that I’m still in love with you.


All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy Equan. No, that’s not true. All I ever wanted is for you and I to be happy together but if you’re happy in Japan, working towards your dreams, I can at least wipe the tears from my eyes long enough to smile and say congratulations on signing the contract. If nothing else my love, this is a toast to you. I’m so happy that you got a second chance at your dreams, not everyone does, and I wish you luck in this and everything you do. Even now I’m so, so proud of you; you just don’t know. I’ll silently be rooting for you from my side of the world and who knows, maybe I’ll see you on TV some day and maybe…maybe it won’t hurt. Not too much at least.

Can I ask you something though?

…Why wasn’t it you to tell me? Do you think that I would’ve tried to stop you from pursuing your dream? That I would try to use the way that you (hopefully still) feel about me against you? That I would try to make you stay?

Don’t you know me by now?

You should’ve told me, not your sister at like four o’clock in the morning my time, but you baby. Don’t you know that you can still tell me anything? That I will support you 3000% in what it is that you do no matter what? Even if it means…I don’t know. Regardless of whatever it may mean for me and you as individuals and for us as a couple, I would support you like I am now.  I love you Equan and dammit, I want you to be happy.

Right now I wish that I could scream and say that I hate you but I can’t. I love you too much to even try to lie like that. Even now when there’s a steady stream of tears falling from my eyes, I could never hate you. I’ve tried to. So many times in fact but at the end of the day and when it’s all said and done? I love you too deeply to even fix my mouth to say the words.


That’s all I have so far but there is a lot more to come.

I know that there are those of you out there that would criticize me, shake your head and just ask why I didn’t leave when I found out. At the same time, I also know that there is at least one person that understands where I’m comin’ from. They may have been here before or they’re just empathizing with me but regardless, I know that somebody out there felt it. It may not have been you but somebody did.

And really? If someone else is feelin’ even a tenth of what I’m tryin’ to say?

Then I’m on the right track.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is Dedicated to the Lover in You

I don't know why, but right now, it seems like everybody, they momma and their illegitimate sisters best friends crazy uncles least favorite cousin is breakin’ up. Kinda got a girl—not necessarily Ren mind you—worried about bein’ able to make it work with her and hers and…that’s no bueno. Why can’t people just understand that love is...love is somethin' that you just can't give up on when it gets hard. Love isn't just a project that you can just quit and put on a shelf. No, that's not it. Love, real love should leave you sayin' somethin' like

If you can't read it—maybe because of the font I chose or because PhotoBucket did somethin’ weird to my graphic—this is what it says:

I love you enough to fight for you
to compromise myself for you if need be.
Enough to miss you incredibly when we're apart
no matter the length of time it's for and regardless of the distance.
Enough to believe in our relationship
to stand by it through the worst of times
to have faith in our strength as a couple and to
give up on
Enough to spend the rest of my life with you
to be there for you when you need or want me and to
never ever
want to leave you or live without you...
I love you this much

Before anyone even asks, yes, that's the way that I feel about Quan. Especially that whole

Enough to believe in our relationship
to stand by it through the worst of times
to have faith in our strength as a couple and to
give up on


Relationships? Yeah, they ain’t easy, be-fuckin’-lieve me when I say I know what I’m talkin’ about, but anything worth havin’ isn’t gonna come easy. Everyone knows that, so why is it that people get discouraged when shit gets tough? I’m not about to front and act like I’m ALWAYS 100% secure in my shit, Quan could tell you that,Tia, my lil sis Tweek and my lil sis Polo can as well but that’s fine. I don’t have to be 100% all the damn time. I just have to believe in me, him and what we have together. One of the biggest parts of a relationship—maybe even bigger than trust. Maybe, don’t quote me on that—is faith. If you don’t have that, or trust and blah, blah, blah, all of that it’s gonna…


Let me stop. I’ve just been playing Doctor Ren for like the past week. Is this a PSA? Quite possibly, but as of now and quite possibly forever, my thoughts are not complete on the issue so…*shrugs*

Hmm…maybe I’ll finally write about that month when Quan and I were essentially broken up. Maybe. It still hurts to think about it and I doubt that’s gonna go away, but if I bring that up, the doubters—and I know that there are at the very least two you that have somehow stumbled across this—will get it.


Friday, July 10, 2009

I’m Baaaccckkkk…



*raises the proverbial roof while doing the cabbage patch…don’t ask questions*

This is AMAZiNG and if you can’t tell, I’m happy as hell. Which explains my dancing. I’m a gangsta; we don’t dance we boogy. Don’t act like y’all ain’t know.

lol, on the real though, I am straight geek’d right now. I now have the freedom to blog more often and so, I shall. I’ll get to work on my vlog too, ya know.
Just for kicks.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

If They Won't Publish Me, Eff 'Em, I'll Put It Out There My Damn Self

*stretches and cracks knuckles*
What it is everyone and happy belated fourth of July. Or is it a belated happy fourth of July?
Eh, who cares, y'all weren't celebrating independence from the Brits as much as ribs, beer and all things barbecue yesterday so whatevs. Anywho, this post isn't about any of that, I honestly don't care what you did and didn't do yesterday, tis not my place and I wont waste my energy on y'all.
This post is about
Maybe you were one of the people that happened to take a glance at my genius when I had it posted earlier in the week, but as you can clearly see, it's not up anymore.
Not due to any copyright issues because the douchebags that were going for to publish my shit chose not to because of its lack of Vampires, Werewolves and Witches [Oh My]. So eff them and my loving corporate sponsors who chose to pull out at the last minute when they heard that I wasn't going to be on the New York Times Best Sellers list any time soon. Just ruined everything, I've been Cali dreamin' ever since last year and I was gonna finally get the chance to be with Quan and...
*takes a deep breath and counts to 10*
I'm calm.
I'm cool.
I'm collected.
Anyways, I could just sit here and rant, but I have pictures to edit for my mom so all I have left to say is this:
I've made Cam&&Essence their own website. One which I shall try to update as often as I can but Mom is trippin' wit' her parental controls and I really need to call Dell to fix my effin' laptop.
Anywho, for the latest in the Cam&&Essence Saga--is it too early to call it that? *shrugs*--you can click the link below
Cam&&Essence|♥|A Turner High "Diary"
I'll also be posting this in my link spot.
Well...that's it for now.
Go read.