You can call me a lot of things but I can guaran-damn-tee that heartless isn’t one of them. I’ve never loved in a way that would just be easy to walk away from and this time, with this man is no different. No, that’s a lie. It is different. Much different.
This time it’s really real and this time…
I really will be heartbroken, especially if it ends like this.
Below is an excerpt of a letter that I’m writing. It’s not even close to being finished but I’ll post the end result when it's done. Why am I posting it? Because, even if I can’t tell him how it is, I can tell someone. Maybe you don’t get it but it makes sense to me
Oh my love,
I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say anything.
I love you Quan. I have since the first time I heard you and Nina speak Spanish to each other. I realized that I’m in love with you the first time that Rico’s lips met mine on that day and it’s your arms that I wish were holding me and your lips that I was kissing. From the very beginning the feelings were there and even now in the “I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it-but-I-hope-it-isn’t-the-end” I can honestly tell you that I’m still in love with you.
All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy Equan. No, that’s not true. All I ever wanted is for you and I to be happy together but if you’re happy in Japan, working towards your dreams, I can at least wipe the tears from my eyes long enough to smile and say congratulations on signing the contract. If nothing else my love, this is a toast to you. I’m so happy that you got a second chance at your dreams, not everyone does, and I wish you luck in this and everything you do. Even now I’m so, so proud of you; you just don’t know. I’ll silently be rooting for you from my side of the world and who knows, maybe I’ll see you on TV some day and maybe…maybe it won’t hurt. Not too much at least.
Can I ask you something though?
…Why wasn’t it you to tell me? Do you think that I would’ve tried to stop you from pursuing your dream? That I would try to use the way that you (hopefully still) feel about me against you? That I would try to make you stay?
Don’t you know me by now?
You should’ve told me, not your sister at like four o’clock in the morning my time, but you baby. Don’t you know that you can still tell me anything? That I will support you 3000% in what it is that you do no matter what? Even if it means…I don’t know. Regardless of whatever it may mean for me and you as individuals and for us as a couple, I would support you like I am now. I love you Equan and dammit, I want you to be happy.
Right now I wish that I could scream and say that I hate you but I can’t. I love you too much to even try to lie like that. Even now when there’s a steady stream of tears falling from my eyes, I could never hate you. I’ve tried to. So many times in fact but at the end of the day and when it’s all said and done? I love you too deeply to even fix my mouth to say the words.
That’s all I have so far but there is a lot more to come.
I know that there are those of you out there that would criticize me, shake your head and just ask why I didn’t leave when I found out. At the same time, I also know that there is at least one person that understands where I’m comin’ from. They may have been here before or they’re just empathizing with me but regardless, I know that somebody out there felt it. It may not have been you but somebody did.
And really? If someone else is feelin’ even a tenth of what I’m tryin’ to say?
Then I’m on the right track.