Monday, March 30, 2009

“Love” [for better or worse I still will choose you first]

This is what I sent him.

[oh…about the blue, it just goes with the color scheme of my other blog, I don’t feel like changing it to hot pink right now. Got a lot besides colors on my mind ryte now]

It’s kinda funny how music speaks to and for you sometimes, isn’t it?
I had this idea to do a “mixtape/letter” with some of the songs that really put all of my feelings for you into words and puts whatever the hell it is that we have [btw…is it true that you claim me? Josh kinda let it slip that you do the other day and all I have to say is let a sista know what’s good lol] into perspective. The problem with that whole idea was that the “playlist” would’ve been at least 45 songs long and with every song there would’ve been an explanation and you know how I write. You would’ve been sitting there for like 6 hours listening to music and reading and I’m pretty sure that you don’t have the time or the patience to sit still and go through all of that. I know I don’t have it in me to write it for you.
It’s a good thing that I found one song that says just about everything then, right?

I guess I’m gonna have to break this down for you verse by verse, huh?

So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently

There is a lot that I want to tell you, but I honestly don’t know how to say it in a way that would make sense to either one of us. I’ve tried the direct approach but my words never come out the right way and I end up soundin’ like an idiot. I’ve tried to write it for you but just when I think I have the right words, I realize they aren’t enough then I have to start all over again and that process can take months (as you’ve seen lol). I just don’t know how to tell you that I love you—I’m in love with you—and having you here in my life has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. That I’ve never been happier (and in a weird way sadder) in my whole entire life and I thank God for you everyday or…

Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change

I don’t know how and I’m not entirely sure why, but from the very start of our “relationship” [I’ll call it one only if you do] I knew that things in my life were gonna change and they have. In a good way. I finally stopped hiding the way that I feel, okay, okay, for the most part at least. This is a process that I’m workin’ on. I love the way that I never have to fake anything for you—and by anything I do mean anything *wink wink nudge nudge* lol—and, this is the part that really scares me: you could be the one. The one that that stupid post was written about before I even knew it (that “to the one who gets me in the end” one in case you were confused); the one to make me happiest…or hurt me the most.

But I’ll get to that later on.

Many days I've longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence

That goes without saying though; you already know how much I want you. Not just in a sexual way—although I will never deny that fact lol—but it goes beyond all that. There are times that I wish I could just be with you. We wouldn’t have to do anything sexual or special, but to just be in your presence, to just touch you, see you face to face would be more than enough for me. *sigh* I really and truly hope that you don’t think that I’m lame for any of the things I’m admitting here. Like

Many nights I've cried from the things you do

Well…that’s not strictly true. I have cried [and I’m a punk for both doing that and admitting it to you] some nights but its only because I’ve

Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you

and that’s the truth.

Do you have any idea what I go through every time I hear that you’re in the hospital?

That first time, last April or May when you were unconscious in the hospital for two weeks? I cried and I prayed every night because I didn’t know whether or not you would live or die. I cried because there were only two things that I could think about: the fact that I might not have gotten the chance to actually tell you that I love you out loud but most importantly, I thought about your daughter Quan. I thought about her not growing up with her dad around and that really made me…I dunno, sad isn’t the word, it went beyond that. You love your little girl with all your heart—which is one one of the many things that made me fall in love with you like I did—and she loves you too and just the thought of her growing up without you or her biological mom around puts me in a bad place.

[was that too weird?]

But when I’m not worried about loosing you due to some accident, I’m worried that I’m gonna loose you because of somethin’ that I did, but like before, that comes later.

I know that you're real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions

…I do know that you’re real and I know that I can believe you when you tell me that you wont hurt me or anything like that. I don’t doubt that and I don’t question it or you. Not really. It’s me that I keep questioning and doubting.

At first you didn't mean that much to me

That’s a lie, from the very beginning you’ve meant a lot to me. Did I want you to? Hell naw, I won’t lie. Ours is a fucked up situation, but the feelings I have for you have been there basically from the beginning. Might as well let you know that now.

But now I know that you're all I need
The world looks so brand new to me

Hmm…I’m gonna choose not to speak on this part right now. Not because I don’t have anything to say, believe me when I say that I do. I’ll just say that you should know where I stand on this by now and if you’re not sure, just think about everything I’ve ever told you, every letter that I’ve written and sent your way.

Now that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you

This isn’t strictly true. I refuse to live my life for someone else especially someone who isn’t living theirs for me, but I do take you into consideration during my everyday activities if that makes sense. I dunno, it probably doesn’t, I guess I’ll have to explain that over the phone some day if ever you should call me again.

What I say is how I feel so believe its true
You got to know I'm true

Well…do you?


You’ve noticed that I didn’t add the chorus/hook right? Well, here it is.

So many people use your name in vain

To be clear at this point, I’ve said I loved people in vain, I didn’t know what love was when I did but when it comes to you Quan?

It’s genuine.
Those have faith in you sometimes go astray

I’m not sure what your definition of going astray in a ‘relationship’ is, but when I do it, that’s when I let my insecurities take over and it’s when I make an ass out of myself. As you’ve seen on multiple occasions unfortunately. I know I’ve said this before but it doesn’t hurt to say it again.

I’m sorry.

I do have faith in you; I put all my love ,faith and trust in you from the first time that I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with you, but you’ll have to be patient with me Quan. I’m not used to this sort of thing. Before you, I had never been involved with a guy who was honest with me about everything. After my past relationships (which I won’t even speak on because I was done so dirty) I stopped expecting honesty. I know, I know. You hate it when I compare them to you and I hate to do it because y’all are apples and oranges I can’t even pear, err, pair y’all but baby…up until you, that was all I knew. I’m not making excuses, but I want you to know that I’m seriously workin’ on this.

I don’t wanna loose you because of my trust/faith issues so I’m tryin’ to loose the issues.
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
There have been ups

[which we have most of the time thankfully]

and there have been downs

[that whole period with your ex? Yeah, that was a major down]

there’s been joy

[the first time you told me that you loved me too]

and there’s been hurt

[but to be fair, most of that was caused by me being insecure. Most, but not all.]

But you know what baby? Even though it seems like we’re riding an emotional rollercoaster sometimes
For better or worse I still will choose you first

I was tempted to walk away in the beginning because I didn’t think that I would be strong enough to do this, to get hurt again. But havin’ you here in my life even though your not here with me has changed me for the better and I don’t wanna go back to the way things were before.

I love you.

That’s why I choose to stay.

That’s why I choose you first.

And he couldn’t respond to this? Couldn’t say…I dunno, something?


Now I feel the tears welling up again and there’s nothin’ I can do to stop them…

I suck.

*sad face*

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