♪♫ I Wasn't a Hustler or a Player But Before I Met You...

Equan,

I tried to write an introduction to this but you know me my love. You know how I am so you know how I write. I was planning on doing this big lead up where I would tell you again how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I don’t need to do all of that.  You know how much I care about you and you should know how much I love you by now. If you don’t…

I’m not going to continue in this same vein because I told myself that I wouldn’t, but before I get to what I feel as though I need to get to, I’m going to leave you with this:

I’ve told a lot of people the story of us. Other than being in awe and amazed at the kind of love that we share—a few have even said they were a bit jealous—they all ask me if you realize everything that I’m giving you; what it is that I am. My question to you is do you my love?

Once again, I’m going to use music as the medium to help me tell you this. Instead of "Love” by Musiq, I’m going to tell you about the time “Before I Met You” with some help from Usher. And like last time, I’m going to save the chorus for last.

You ready?

♥♥♥

You changed my life in so many ways

I just look back to how I used to be

And how you dealt with me

And I just wanna…

Thank you

If nothing else, that’s the theme of this Q; I have to tell you thank you. For showing me love, for giving me hope, for changing who I am for the better and for everything that we went through—and will hopefully have the chance to go through in the future. I want to thank you for the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. For coming into my life when I decided that I wasn’t going to care anymore and for giving me a reason to do so. I want to thank you for being you and for loving me just the way I am.

God forbid but

 Just in case I never see your face again

Just in case the worst was meant to happen

Just in case tomorrow never comes

There is somethin’ you should know

There is more than just “some thing” that you should know; there are some things. I don’t even know where to start but

I’ve given you every bit of the man I am

I know at times it wasn’t pretty but it was all I had

seems like a good enough place.

For obvious reasons, I haven’t given you every bit of the man that I am, but I gave you the girl that I was and the woman that I’m still becoming. I know, it hasn’t exactly been pretty, but this is me. I don’t know how to do things in a quote unquote “proper” way, so I go all in…for the most part. I wish that I could tell you that

I never held back not one little bit

but that’s not true, I did hold back and I’m sorry.

You know me and you know that I’ve been hurt in the past. It’s not an excuse, but baby it’s the truth. I have been hurt in ways that I haven’t even told you about and because of that, my willingness to go all in in a relationship—especially an unsure bet like ours—is nonexistent.Or it was before I met you.

The world can attest to this

baby you flipped my program upside down

You really, truly did.

Before I met you I…I wasn’t exactly a happy person. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I was just in a really bad place and time in my life. But then you, with that voice and the way you think, came into my life and—I say this out of love and with a smile on my face—you fucked everything up.

You did the unthinkable. You made me, the girl who promised herself never again, fall in love with you. What’s more, you did it in a time frame that lasted a little more than two hours. It’s crazy, but you did it with your voice, the passion with which you speak and the way you are when it comes to your daughter. There is something in you—I’m not sure what—that speaks to something in me that up until March 10th 2008 at 3:47 PM I thought was dead. It was then that my life started to do a complete 180.

There were so many times I wasn’t there for you
And for every one of those times I hated myself for

The way I went about it

The ups and the downs

One foots in while the other foots out

I’ve always been here for you and you know that. Even when it got hard; even when it hurt and when it felt like me sticking around wouldn’t matter at all, I stayed. I’m still here for you and I will continue to be here for you because I’m in love with you.

Even during those times when you weren’t there for me—and there were times you and I both know that very well—I didn’t hate you or hate you for it. I was just disappointed. You know the way that things were gone about better than I do and we both know about the ups and downs that we’ve had to deal with. There was a time when I wasn’t sure who or what you wanted and it just…it hurt me a bit. I was more disappointed than anything.

Lovin’ on you

Lovin’ on another

I ain’t no different from any other brother

…You know our relationship and you know our history. I don’t need to speak on it but I will say this:
You are different from the other brothers; you’re nothing like them at all.

Ours is a fucked up situation to be in and no one besides you and I will ever fully understand the ins and outs of it. I get it Q; I know why certain things were done. Do I like the way that we had to do what we did to be together? No, hell no. And while there’s a part of me that says if given the chance to go back and do it all again I would go about it the right way, there’s an even bigger part of me that wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m pretty sure that I never told you this but you, Equan, are worth it all and by all I do mean it all. You remember those times when you gave me the option of staying or leaving with the promise of no love lost?

I stayed because of you. I could, did and will continue to deal with all the shit that is and was coming our way because for the first time in my life, I met someone that was worth sticking around for.

Even when I was scared—and damn if I haven’t been scared—I never ran from you; I stuck around to show you what you mean to me. And I’m still here.

So what I give to you right here right now

In this here place is my voice laid out

In this here space is my heart poured out
As I state my case as I break it down

I’ve never really been the one to put my business out there like that but because you’re you, and because I feel the way that I do about you, I will make the exception so that I can

Tell you where I’m coming from

♥

As of now it is currently unfinished. There is something else that I need to write before I complete this and it’s equally important.

For Him.

For Us.

For Me.

The 20th Anniversary of the Best Day EVER [Complete w/Pix]

*sigh*

I will be twenty this Wednesday. Twenty. For those of you not in the know, that is a 2 and a 0 put together.

It just seems so…old. So…ancient.

*sad face*

So, as a treat, I shall give those of you who manage to stumble across my (infamous) life and times a glimpse at Ren throughout the years. Just remember, I grew up in the 90’s. That’s the only excuse I have for the fashion. It’s either blame it on the time period or my momma didn’t really love me and wanted for to embarrass me later on in mine life. *side eye from the pits of hell to mi madre*

So, I don’t have any baby baby pix on my lappy, but this is what I have, I shall try to post these in chronological order to the best of mine abilities.

[click the pix to see the full-sized]

 

Based on the backdrop—that every photographer and their mommas man on the side had—it was Christmas. This had to be about…oh, 1991 so I was 2-ish. Me and the cousins Ricky and Shanique were dressed oh so very lovingly by our parents and/or Nana. I mean look at me, I was killin’ ‘em in my extra baggy purple turtle neck sweater.

Me, Ricky and Shanique again, this time I’m holding their little brother Jeno. Had to be summer of 1992-93 so I was between the ages of 2 and 4.

 

*sigh*

Summer 93 I believe so I was 3 or 4. Thank God that I grew into that fore—*cough* five *cough*—head that my parents bestowed upon me. Why did my mother not realize the importance of bangs?

Before anyone asks, no, I don’t know why the outfit I was wearing was made out of the fabric that covered their grandmothers plastic covered couch. My mom and I are gonna have a SERiOUS conversation about these outfits.

Spring 1994.

 

The back of this particular picture said that Boogie was 6 months old, so seeing as she came and ruined mine life—I joke, sheesh—in October of 95, this is April 96. Easter. Just another excuse for parents to dress their children in completely embarrassing ways and parade them around like this is cute. The hat that I’m wearin’?

Yeah, that ain’t it.

Summer of 96. Why Boogie and I look like botany projects gone awry I don’t know. The expression on her her face deffy mirrors mine right about now.

Winter 96.

I had hair like the Grinch.

Proof that my mother hated me.

So, after 1996, I entered a phase in my life where I didn’t like to take pictures and those that were taken shall NEVER see the light of day. EVER. Those were hella embarrassing. Definitely not ballin’.

*shakes head*

Definitely.

So, I’m gonna leave you with some of my most recent pix then close my lappy cuz I have things to do and places to be.

 

Summer/Autumn 07. I had just recently graduated out of High School Hell and I started to come into my own. Now…I’m not entirely sure why my eyes or closed. I don’t exactly care either. I’m schmexxy in this pic if I do say so myself.

 

Summer 09.

*sigh*

My last year as a teenager…

♥

♪♫I’m Missin’ You So Boy…

I’m thinkin’ about and missin’ Him so much right now…*sigh*This is just a little somethin’ that I shot for Him last month. No real point to it or this post, but I just decided that I would post it. *shrugs*
[don't be dumb, turn off the tuneage to watch the vid smh]
Oh, in case you were wondering, and I know you probably weren’t but I’ma tell you anyway:I’m not wearing makeup. Well, not really, just lipgloss, but that doesn’t count. I’m mildly attractive huh?Well…He thinks so at least.♥

To the one who may get away

You can call me a lot of things but I can guaran-damn-tee that heartless isn’t one of them. I’ve never loved in a way that would just be easy to walk away from and this time, with this man is no different. No, that’s a lie. It is different. Much different.

This time it’s really real and this time…

I really will be heartbroken, especially if it ends like this.

Below is an excerpt of a letter that I’m writing. It’s not even close to being finished but I’ll post the end result when it's done. Why am I posting it? Because, even if I can’t tell him how it is, I can tell someone. Maybe you don’t get it but it makes sense to me

*shrugs*

♥♥♥

Oh my love,

I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say anything.

I love you Quan. I have since the first time I heard you and Nina speak Spanish to each other. I realized that I’m in love with you the first time that Rico’s lips met mine on that day and it’s your arms that I wish were holding me and your lips that I was kissing. From the very beginning the feelings were there and even now in the “I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it-but-I-hope-it-isn’t-the-end” I can honestly tell you that I’m still in love with you.

So…Japan….

All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy Equan. No, that’s not true. All I ever wanted is for you and I to be happy together but if you’re happy in Japan, working towards your dreams, I can at least wipe the tears from my eyes long enough to smile and say congratulations on signing the contract. If nothing else my love, this is a toast to you. I’m so happy that you got a second chance at your dreams, not everyone does, and I wish you luck in this and everything you do. Even now I’m so, so proud of you; you just don’t know. I’ll silently be rooting for you from my side of the world and who knows, maybe I’ll see you on TV some day and maybe…maybe it won’t hurt. Not too much at least.

Can I ask you something though?

…Why wasn’t it you to tell me? Do you think that I would’ve tried to stop you from pursuing your dream? That I would try to use the way that you (hopefully still) feel about me against you? That I would try to make you stay?

Don’t you know me by now?

You should’ve told me, not your sister at like four o’clock in the morning my time, but you baby. Don’t you know that you can still tell me anything? That I will support you 3000% in what it is that you do no matter what? Even if it means…I don’t know. Regardless of whatever it may mean for me and you as individuals and for us as a couple, I would support you like I am now.  I love you Equan and dammit, I want you to be happy.

Right now I wish that I could scream and say that I hate you but I can’t. I love you too much to even try to lie like that. Even now when there’s a steady stream of tears falling from my eyes, I could never hate you. I’ve tried to. So many times in fact but at the end of the day and when it’s all said and done? I love you too deeply to even fix my mouth to say the words.

♥♥♥

That’s all I have so far but there is a lot more to come.

I know that there are those of you out there that would criticize me, shake your head and just ask why I didn’t leave when I found out. At the same time, I also know that there is at least one person that understands where I’m comin’ from. They may have been here before or they’re just empathizing with me but regardless, I know that somebody out there felt it. It may not have been you but somebody did.

And really? If someone else is feelin’ even a tenth of what I’m tryin’ to say?

Then I’m on the right track.

This is Dedicated to the Lover in You

I don't know why, but right now, it seems like everybody, they momma and their illegitimate sisters best friends crazy uncles least favorite cousin is breakin’ up. Kinda got a girl—not necessarily Ren mind you—worried about bein’ able to make it work with her and hers and…that’s no bueno. Why can’t people just understand that love is...love is somethin' that you just can't give up on when it gets hard. Love isn't just a project that you can just quit and put on a shelf. No, that's not it. Love, real love should leave you sayin' somethin' like


If you can't read it—maybe because of the font I chose or because PhotoBucket did somethin’ weird to my graphic—this is what it says:

I love you enough to fight for you
to compromise myself for you if need be.
Enough to miss you incredibly when we're apart
no matter the length of time it's for and regardless of the distance.
Enough to believe in our relationship
to stand by it through the worst of times
to have faith in our strength as a couple and to
never
give up on
us.
Enough to spend the rest of my life with you
to be there for you when you need or want me and to
never ever
want to leave you or live without you...
I love you this much

Before anyone even asks, yes, that's the way that I feel about Quan. Especially that whole

Enough to believe in our relationship
to stand by it through the worst of times
to have faith in our strength as a couple and to
never
give up on
us

part.

Relationships? Yeah, they ain’t easy, be-fuckin’-lieve me when I say I know what I’m talkin’ about, but anything worth havin’ isn’t gonna come easy. Everyone knows that, so why is it that people get discouraged when shit gets tough? I’m not about to front and act like I’m ALWAYS 100% secure in my shit, Quan could tell you that,Tia, my lil sis Tweek and my lil sis Polo can as well but that’s fine. I don’t have to be 100% all the damn time. I just have to believe in me, him and what we have together. One of the biggest parts of a relationship—maybe even bigger than trust. Maybe, don’t quote me on that—is faith. If you don’t have that, or trust and blah, blah, blah, all of that it’s gonna…

*sigh*

Let me stop. I’ve just been playing Doctor Ren for like the past week. Is this a PSA? Quite possibly, but as of now and quite possibly forever, my thoughts are not complete on the issue so…*shrugs*

Hmm…maybe I’ll finally write about that month when Quan and I were essentially broken up. Maybe. It still hurts to think about it and I doubt that’s gonna go away, but if I bring that up, the doubters—and I know that there are at the very least two you that have somehow stumbled across this—will get it.

*shrugs*

♥

His Response…

So after I post the letter that I sent to Quan on here, he decided to not just read the messages I sent to him on MySpace, but he decided to respond as well. While I was reading his message, he added a comment to the blog and this is what it said.
[I woulda used a screenshot but eh, I don't wanna right now lol, plus, this is easier to read]
↓↓↓↓↓

That was sweet and really special to me Ren. I’ve never had anyone feel that way about me before and it makes me wonder…will I be enough for you? I look at you and see so much more than a pretty face and a body that I would do so many sinful things to (lol). I see a woman with the potential to make a hell of an impact on the world and someone that’s already made an impact on me. I don’t usually become intrigued with peoples style, commitment and total being that much if I ever do to tell you the truth but with you…it’s different. There is somethin’ about you that makes me doubt myself and I’ve never done that until I read your thoughts. I know that I can love you more than anyone has but I keep asking myself if that’ll be enough. I don’t know, but I wanna find out! I’m doing everything in my power to make you as happy as you make me, but I also don’t wanna rush anything. Yes, we’ve known each other for a while now, but I still wanna know you in and out so I can make sure that this works…I’ve had relationships that didn’t work out due to negligence on my part and I’ll be damned if I go down that same road with you. I love you too much to hurt you and I may have a weird way of actually showing you that sometimes but because of my past…I’m very cautious about just throwing my heart out there again before I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m ready. There’s just too much at stake on both of our parts baby. But never doubt that you are a queen to me and I wanna make sure I make you feel like the queen that you are.

This is the first time that he's ever wondered if he would be enough for me and the fact that he's questioning himself is proof that I'm not the only one who's scared. I don't want him to doubt himself though...
But I'm starting to realize something.
He and I are more alike than I first thought, so how do I tell him that he doesn't have to be cautious with me? That I would never do anything to hurt him? And why is it that I suddenly find myself in the same position that he's been in because of me?
Wow...
♥

“Love” [for better or worse I still will choose you first]

This is what I sent him.

[oh…about the blue, it just goes with the color scheme of my other blog, I don’t feel like changing it to hot pink right now. Got a lot besides colors on my mind ryte now]

It’s kinda funny how music speaks to and for you sometimes, isn’t it?

I had this idea to do a “mixtape/letter” with some of the songs that really put all of my feelings for you into words and puts whatever the hell it is that we have [btw…is it true that you claim me? Josh kinda let it slip that you do the other day and all I have to say is let a sista know what’s good lol] into perspective. The problem with that whole idea was that the “playlist” would’ve been at least 45 songs long and with every song there would’ve been an explanation and you know how I write. You would’ve been sitting there for like 6 hours listening to music and reading and I’m pretty sure that you don’t have the time or the patience to sit still and go through all of that. I know I don’t have it in me to write it for you.

It’s a good thing that I found one song that says just about everything then, right?

I guess I’m gonna have to break this down for you verse by verse, huh?

Love
So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently

There is a lot that I want to tell you, but I honestly don’t know how to say it in a way that would make sense to either one of us. I’ve tried the direct approach but my words never come out the right way and I end up soundin’ like an idiot. I’ve tried to write it for you but just when I think I have the right words, I realize they aren’t enough then I have to start all over again and that process can take months (as you’ve seen lol). I just don’t know how to tell you that I love you—I’m in love with you—and having you here in my life has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. That I’ve never been happier (and in a weird way sadder) in my whole entire life and I thank God for you everyday or…

Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change

I don’t know how and I’m not entirely sure why, but from the very start of our “relationship” [I’ll call it one only if you do] I knew that things in my life were gonna change and they have. In a good way. I finally stopped hiding the way that I feel, okay, okay, for the most part at least. This is a process that I’m workin’ on. I love the way that I never have to fake anything for you—and by anything I do mean anything *wink wink nudge nudge* lol—and, this is the part that really scares me: you could be the one. The one that that stupid post was written about before I even knew it (that “to the one who gets me in the end” one in case you were confused); the one to make me happiest…or hurt me the most.

But I’ll get to that later on.

Many days I've longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence

That goes without saying though; you already know how much I want you. Not just in a sexual way—although I will never deny that fact lol—but it goes beyond all that. There are times that I wish I could just be with you. We wouldn’t have to do anything sexual or special, but to just be in your presence, to just touch you, see you face to face would be more than enough for me. *sigh* I really and truly hope that you don’t think that I’m lame for any of the things I’m admitting here. Like

Many nights I've cried from the things you do

Well…that’s not strictly true. I have cried [and I’m a punk for both doing that and admitting it to you] some nights but its only because I’ve

Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you

and that’s the truth.

Do you have any idea what I go through every time I hear that you’re in the hospital?

That first time, last April or May when you were unconscious in the hospital for two weeks? I cried and I prayed every night because I didn’t know whether or not you would live or die. I cried because there were only two things that I could think about: the fact that I might not have gotten the chance to actually tell you that I love you out loud but most importantly, I thought about your daughter Quan. I thought about her not growing up with her dad around and that really made me…I dunno, sad isn’t the word, it went beyond that. You love your little girl with all your heart—which is one one of the many things that made me fall in love with you like I did—and she loves you too and just the thought of her growing up without you or her biological mom around puts me in a bad place.

[was that too weird?]

But when I’m not worried about loosing you due to some accident, I’m worried that I’m gonna loose you because of somethin’ that I did, but like before, that comes later.

I know that you're real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions

…I do know that you’re real and I know that I can believe you when you tell me that you wont hurt me or anything like that. I don’t doubt that and I don’t question it or you. Not really. It’s me that I keep questioning and doubting.

At first you didn't mean that much to me

That’s a lie, from the very beginning you’ve meant a lot to me. Did I want you to? Hell naw, I won’t lie. Ours is a fucked up situation, but the feelings I have for you have been there basically from the beginning. Might as well let you know that now.

But now I know that you're all I need
The world looks so brand new to me

Hmm…I’m gonna choose not to speak on this part right now. Not because I don’t have anything to say, believe me when I say that I do. I’ll just say that you should know where I stand on this by now and if you’re not sure, just think about everything I’ve ever told you, every letter that I’ve written and sent your way.

Now that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you

This isn’t strictly true. I refuse to live my life for someone else especially someone who isn’t living theirs for me, but I do take you into consideration during my everyday activities if that makes sense. I dunno, it probably doesn’t, I guess I’ll have to explain that over the phone some day if ever you should call me again.

What I say is how I feel so believe its true
You got to know I'm true

Well…do you?

Oh.

You’ve noticed that I didn’t add the chorus/hook right? Well, here it is.

Love
So many people use your name in vain

To be clear at this point, I’ve said I loved people in vain, I didn’t know what love was when I did but when it comes to you Quan?

It’s genuine.
Love
Those have faith in you sometimes go astray

I’m not sure what your definition of going astray in a ‘relationship’ is, but when I do it, that’s when I let my insecurities take over and it’s when I make an ass out of myself. As you’ve seen on multiple occasions unfortunately. I know I’ve said this before but it doesn’t hurt to say it again.

I’m sorry.

I do have faith in you; I put all my love ,faith and trust in you from the first time that I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with you, but you’ll have to be patient with me Quan. I’m not used to this sort of thing. Before you, I had never been involved with a guy who was honest with me about everything. After my past relationships (which I won’t even speak on because I was done so dirty) I stopped expecting honesty. I know, I know. You hate it when I compare them to you and I hate to do it because y’all are apples and oranges I can’t even pear, err, pair y’all but baby…up until you, that was all I knew. I’m not making excuses, but I want you to know that I’m seriously workin’ on this.

I don’t wanna loose you because of my trust/faith issues so I’m tryin’ to loose the issues.
Love
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
There have been ups

[which we have most of the time thankfully]

and there have been downs

[that whole period with your ex? Yeah, that was a major down]

there’s been joy

[the first time you told me that you loved me too]

and there’s been hurt

[but to be fair, most of that was caused by me being insecure. Most, but not all.]

But you know what baby? Even though it seems like we’re riding an emotional rollercoaster sometimes
For better or worse I still will choose you first

I was tempted to walk away in the beginning because I didn’t think that I would be strong enough to do this, to get hurt again. But havin’ you here in my life even though your not here with me has changed me for the better and I don’t wanna go back to the way things were before.

I love you.

That’s why I choose to stay.

That’s why I choose you first.

And he couldn’t respond to this? Couldn’t say…I dunno, something?

♥♥♥

Now I feel the tears welling up again and there’s nothin’ I can do to stop them…

I suck.

*sad face*

I’ve got a secret. A dirty little secret…

Gosh darn if Post Secret isn't one of my favorite sites in the history of EVER.

Some of the secrets make me smile

Others make me laugh out loud

Then there are the ones that make me cry a little bit

[for those who think I’m a bitch based on the ‘mean’ things I’ve said on here, I DO have a heart, thank you]

There are ones that sound a lot like me

And the ones that remind me of the people I know

So yeah, if you couldn’t tell, there was really no point to this post, I just saw some of these post cards again so I had to do it

♥

“I’m not a bitch, I just act like one on days that end in ‘y’”

Gotdamn if I’m not one awesomely amazing individual.

Nah, let me take that back, don’t want people thinking I’m cocky, conceited or anything like that. Then again I can just say that I’m aware of myself and how frickin’ spectacular I am, it’s not a lie. lol, a’ight, I’m really about to stop.

Now, contrary to anything that you may read here on The Life and Times of (the Infamous) Mz. Ren I'm not a bitch. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the least bitchy individuals you will ever meet. That being said, I won’t deny the fact that I act like one on the occasion. Curious as to why?

Simple answer:

Because I can.

That’s right, I act this way because I feel like it dammit. You don’t like it? That's fine by me, I’m at a place in my life where I can say I honestly don’t give a fuck about most people’s opinions. Oh…you caught that most did you? Well, what can I say, there are exceptions to every rule, even this one, and his name is E. [Before anyone asks, no, that’s not his real name, can you honestly name someone who’s entire name is an initial outside of Men in Black? No, I didn’t think so.]

I mention this loser (and I say that outta love so don’t trip) in my various blogs, so it’s only right that I mention him here at least once.

He and I met just over a year ago and have been talkin’ since last March and this man is just…I don’t even know how to describe him to y’all. E is one of the most amazing men that I’ve (n)ever met in my whole entire life and I’m so glad that I went through all the shit that I did to get to know him. To save myself from having to go over the last year of us talking, I’m just gonna say that if you really wanna know, you can read my MySpace Blog (check my Link Spot) for the details. However…

There has been a lot that has happened between us that hasn’t and probably will never be mentioned in a blog (especially one that’s open to the public), like how much it hurt to have to go through some of the stuff that I did for him. Or all the doubts that have run through my mind countless times. Or the many times that I’ve been tempted to give up and walk away so I didn’t get hurt in the end again and all the other things that I can’t help but to think about given our situation. But, since I’m a nice person who is in a particularly good mood today—must be because it’s one week to Spring Break which equals one week to E♥—I will share something that was, up until a moment ago when I decided to do this, open only to him as it was written for E and E alone.

Before you read…
[lol, I've always wanted to write that for some reason]
Way back in June, E I were on the phone havin’ a serious conversation (about a serious pain in my ass, his ex bitch who’s been fuckin’ with me for months on end) when he asked me to write him a letter telling him how much I love him and care about him because I have a hard time expressing my feelings verbally (I can say I love you just fine but for some reason I can't say why or how much out loud), so I tried my best to let my baby know just how in love with him I am. It took me 8 months and what seems like infinite attempts to get it done, but last week on February 20th, I finally finished his letter and sent it to him. I left out a few things because certain things need to be said in person and I’ll be seeing him soon enough.

E read his letter then he sent me a message saying something akin to:

“Wow…You got me blushing Ren! I didn’t know it was like that for you, but I’m glad that it is.”

Which left me feelin' a bit like...um, okay, that's all you have to say? Yeah, okay, I didn’t exactly pour my heart out to him in a blog post—that’s what my trip to Cali is all about—but what I said was so sincere and came straight from the heart so for him to just say ‘wow’?

Yeah, that was not gettin’ it.

We kept messaging back and forth for another twenty minutes or so and while he told me that he can sing [lol, in the letter I told him that I love it when he sings to me knowin’ good and got damn well that he can’t] he didn’t really bring up the letter or what I said in it again. So, I did something that I need to stop doin’. I sat and I speculated about what I said and his reaction or lack thereof as the case is. Then, on Sunday night, I was sitting at my laptop deleting the various things that I’ve written and listening to Drake’s So Far Gone. I had been looking over the various beginnings, middles and endings to E’s letter when I heard “Sooner Than Later” and started crying like a punk because it described exactly how I feel sometimes. I rewrote that part of his letter then I posted it and sent the link to E while explaining why I said what I did and that it was from an old version of the letter.

Which you get to read now.

↓↓↓↓↓

This is one of the songs I want you to listen to. Just pay attention to the first verse then keep reading.

Sometimes, I feel just like the girl he wrote this about.I understand the fact that I’m not your girl and that I’m probably not even the only girl that you’re talkin’ to—I’m not accusin’ you of anything since that’s not my place, I’m just sayin’—but sometimes it does feel like I’m the last thing on your mind or that I’m an afterthought at the very least. I know you love me, you tell me every chance you get, but I don’t need you to tell me something that I already know. What I want from you, what I need is more of your time. That’s all I’m askin’ because baby, I love you. I don’t want us to grow apart then one of us realizes that the other is everything we're missin’—which may or may not be true, who am I to say what you're missin’? Maybe when you finally have the time and "pull it together" (his words, not mine), I wont be there because I moved on to someone who had what I'm askin' you for.That’s not what I want. I think it’s already been established but I guess it wont hurt to say it again:

What I want is you.

But...

I wont be here forever

I hope you realize I've waited this long

But I wont move on

Cuz I don't want no one else

I don't need no one else

So I guess I said all that to say this:

As long as you take the time to show me that this is what you want, that I'm what you want, I'll be here waiting.

Just a lil bit more of your time is all I'm asking for.

Or would I be gettin' out of pocket and actin' above my station if I asked for that?

***

So...it's kinda apparent why I took this out of the letter, right?

lol.

Look, I love you E. Whether I get more of your time or not (although I can't lie, it would be nice to hear from you a little more often. I know your busy but I'm just sayin') that's not gonna change.You know that.

Right?

[Well shit, if you didn't, now you do lol]

♥

Now, being me, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I had to go and add onto it when I couldn’t sleep the same night that I posted it, but because MySpace won’t let me edit my posts in FireFox—which is borderline retarded is you ask me—I left it in the form of a 697 word (yes, I did count) comment.

After I had done that, I finally got some sleep. Not a lot but enough to ensure that I would be able to function with minimal difficulty once I woke my ass up.

About 6 or 7 hours later, I did something that I’m still kicking myself over:

I called him.

I didn’t expect him to answer his cell since it was 7:30 AM his time, so I was shocked when he picked up sounding all sleepy and sexy like. We talked about his night spent at the hospital (his daughter caught some strain of the flu) and after making sure that they were both alright, we talked about a lot of other things that had nothing to do with why I called him. I’m not sure how exactly, but I eventually transitioned into why I decided to call him.

I told him that I had something that I wanted him to read once he got online, then I asked him if he wanted me to read it to him hoping that he would say no.

He said yes. Like a total spaz.

So, I sat on my couch with my laptop on my knees and played him the song, then read him the excerpt from his letter all the while trying not to cry like a total girl. I did a pretty okay job of keeping the tears at bay until he started talking, but as soon as he opened his mouth to tell me how sorry he was for making me feel like that and that he would make more time for me because he doesn’t want to loose me. When he told me that I am the only girl he’s talkin’ to and that I—along with his beautiful little girl—complete him, I couldn’t stop the tears even though I tried. When he finished making me cry with his sweetness and sincerity—I hate the fact that I’m a total girl when it comes to him—I told him that I wasn’t finished then asked if he remembered how he said that he wished he could see into my head sometimes. When he said that he remembered I read him the comment…then started crying again when told me how much he loves me and just what I mean to him. I’m not gonna rewrite all of that here because it would just make me cry like a punk again plus I’m actually mad at him right now—It’s been 8 effin’ hours and still no response to my “I need to tell you somethin’” txt message. So much for takin’ time out for me right? smh—but it was really touching and it let me know how serious this is to him.

Just before we got off the phone so he could go to class and so I could get ready to go and catch my bus—I have a whole rant to go on regarding public transit and why it ain’t for me that I’ll post soon—I asked him just what was goin’ through his mind when he read my letter. He said that he was speechless for the first time in his life—which I can believe, that nigga has a mouth on him lol—and that I made him feel like a king with that letter. I told him that I meant every word and that he is a king.

My King.

He called me His Queen then he told me he loves me and that he’d call me when he got the chance (which turned out to be the next morning while he was taking his daughter to school).

The next day a couple of hours after we got off the phone after another AMAZiNG conversation, I logged onto MySpace to check my messages and comments and to play Bloodlines, my new favorite addicting MySpace App when I saw this:

I chose to look at my blog comments first thinking that it was another person praising Cam&&Essence

[and no that’s not me bein’ cocky either, C&&E is my most popular blog series]

but was pleasantly surprised to see

Oh yeah, I removed his screen name, E and I both prefer that he remains relatively anonymous in everything that I write, plus, bitches is nosy as a muhfucka.

With my heart in my throat—see, he’s the only one that I’m comfortable with sayin’ stuff like that about, my mind doesn’t normally work in clichés and I try my best not to use them at all costs—I clicked the link and read his comment.

Sweet right?

lol

DAMMiT TO HELL!!

This blog wasn’t even supposed to be about him, especially given the fact that I’m still hella annoyed wit’ his punk ass (on the off chance that you come across this E, this is the way I talk about you when you get on my nerves. It’s your own fault luv lol PLUS, I have a pretty good idea of the way you talk about me when I annoy you so don’t trip) but I guess it is what it is. By my next post I’ll be back at my bitchy best.

I promise.

♥