Friday, September 25, 2009

I Got a Buzz Out in Murrland

First things first, allow me to stunt for a moment or two by posting the following pic(s):

as always, no make up, iDon't have the time for that shit, Sexy specs, "ghetto hoops" as my lil sis calls 'em, a Coke T-shirt even tho you can't see it and a smile. kinda cute huh? lol
iDon't like this one as much but eh, I'm still sorta kinda almost cute so who cares? lol && SHUT THE HELL UP talkin' about my hair. Even w/it not done I'm shittin' on you ho's Geisha style LMAOO
 Ugh...PhotoBucket is actin' ass once more, those lines? Yeah...not supposed to be there and I can't crop them out. BOO on that. Anyway...
That’s right bxtches, I got my braces taken off!
I've been smiling at any and everyone since Friday, September 18th at a quarter past noon when I hopped my light skinned ass out of my soon to be ex orthodontists chair. Stupid retainer in place, I even smiled at less than smart orthodontist person man dude sir him when I wanted to send my retainer case—which I still can’t find as of press time smh—on a journey through his insides for what he said to me. But bump him…with a bumper car driven by a fat kid gone off of elephant ears and cherry limeades on the hottest day in July at the Clark County Fair.
Yeah, it’s that deep.
I did even more smiling and a lil bit of wildin’ that night. As much as I wish I could "Blame it on the Alcohol", I can’t. Gotta blame it on the ribs, the caramel apple suckers, random dancing and good company of GH. He brought dinner and we did the dishes together after—he washed, I dried (=—then we watched Saw V. Nigga thought he was slick; only picked out that movie in hopes that I would get scared, hmph.  lol. After that, I stopped Tweeting [I told GH straight up that I was gon’ be on my laptop all night and he was cool wit’ it thank you kindly. Besides that, I was talking to lil bro and my big sisters Lynn and Jazzy wanted to check up on me.] and the random dancing ensued.
He’s a sweetie y’all…
The Bamma who called me after isn’t so incredibly bad either. He’s for damn sure not sweet—to me at least, we gon’ box one day I promise you—but he’s not as terrible as he could be either. Or is he? I dunno, haven’t decided yet. I just know that that his stupid unnaturally deep voice made me smile…a lot.Ugh. Loser.
ANYWAY, since I’m speakin’ on my just a friend—*rolls eyes and refuses to say what’s really on my mind*—let me get back to the task at hand
iGet TONS more love out there than iDo here in Michigan. Fucked up ryte? SMH
For those of you who are unfamiliar and are special enough to think that I’m sayin’ that I love the Department of Motor Vehicles, let me stop you right gotdang now. Not that DMV slowness, but the  DC/Maryland/Virginia DMV. Home of my lyrical soulmate Wale and my musical boy friend number two Hassani Kwess. Home of the school that I hope and pray I get accepted to next fall, Howard University. Home of a lot of other people, places and things that I love but am far too lazy to name at this moment in time.
‘Ey, at least I’m honest about it.
Now, there is just somethin’ about the whole “urea” [lmao] that gets me; I’m not sure what though. It could be the music…most deffy could be the music, cuz Go-go? Shiiiittt…and the hip hop? Have you heard Wale? Southeast Slim? Kingpen Slim? Magnum Dollars? Ay mi. Y'all should see my mp3 players--I'm ballin' enough to have two. Don't hate--it's like the DMV made me a "Best of" mix...a few of 'em. On my main media device, I have 350 songs by DMV artists. That's 350 out of 1400 songs. I'll let you do the percentage.
Math isn't my thing.
It could be the people and that’s sayin’ somethin’ since y’all already know how Ren feels about people. Theoretical ones over actual ones for life and that’s how it is. How it’s been. How it’s gonna be for a long while known as ever. I’ll wait while your brain deciphers that last sentence. Got it? Gold star for you.
It could specifically be the people of the male persuasion in the DMV. Let me break this down for you:
I ain’t got no problems wit’ dudes out in Cali but, there ain’t nothin’ like a DMV boy
and that’s real.
To specify my specificity—that is an ugly ass word by the way, when I read this out loud it made my mouth work in totally unattractive ways. Ew. Why isn’t there a rule about the ugliness of words? Because if there was we wouldn’t be subjected to words like “specificity”, “nose”, “elbow” or the like. Who do I write to make this happen? Hmm…—the boys out in Maryland? Oh my. Just…gotdamn. If I wasn’t who I am and in the situation that I’m in right now?  Yeah, Ren would do dirty, nasty, unspeakably freaky things to a Maryland boy. And when I say dirty, nasty, unspeakably freaky things, I do indeed mean dirtynastyunspeakablyfreaky—one word—things.
…Don’t go and call Hoe Cop on me either, I’m joking. Goodness.
*coughs and looks left*
Let me pull my mind out the gutter and get back on track.
Basically, Ren loves the DMV and the DMV loves Ren back. Most of the people I talk to on Twitter? Yeah, they’re from the DMV. My brothers Torkalina the Rebelina and Lega-c? Yeah, they’re from the DMV.The guy I sorta kinda almost not really but actually do have a crush on? Yeah, he’s from the DMV. My newest adoptive sister? Yeah, she’s from the DMV.
Matter of fact…I’m the RENegade who’s down wit’ the Rebels.
Don’t know about ‘em? Get familiar.
Who’s the one generating a buzz out in “Murrland”—which is, by the way, their pronunciation, not mine—while subsequently makin’ the niggas out there fiend for the chick from MI? Who reps harder for them than some folks that are actually from the area while still managin’ to hold the Midwest down? Who can’t wait for Christmas 09 to take her light-skinned, rather attractive ass back to DC?
Yeah, that’d be Ren.
So…anything else I wanna say while I’m sittin’ here, eatin’ these Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips and drinkin’ my Hawaiian Punch?
*thinks it over*
Nope, not really…
Oh yeah! I love the DMV and their hip hop scene so much that I’m doing my Cultural Anthropology ethnography—I didn’t lose you with all those syllables did I?—on it so yeah, it’s gon’ be somethin’ special.
And not my usual brand of special either. Well…

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

And If You Seek Becky...

*annoyed sigh that’s enhanced by the fact that I’m sick and in a choke a nigga type mood based on the stupidity that’s currently occurring*
What it is y’all, how ya livin’ and and all the other stereotypical things that I could and just might say. How’s life treatin’ ya? Not that I actually care or anything like that, I’m only asking because I have a bit of decency and courtesy about mine self. It’s nice to ask how others are doing.
Not that I’m concerned wit’ niceness, if you read the blog on the reggy you know that I am not sir and/or madam, but I just thought that I’d throw that out there.
ANYWAY, now that the quote unquote niceties are out of the way, I can get back to this blog then go lay my sick ass back down before I use the trashcan next to my bed as the medium with which I will be calling Earl.
*cracks knuckles*
So…Algernod Washington, or as Ren likes to call him, “that short, freak nasty, fake ass “goon” goblin lookin’ muddasucka” Plies has a new album coming out, “Goon Affiliated” , and the lead single, “Becky” is a song about fellatio. Not that we should expect anything less from the King of Goon-Goblin Land, I’m just sayin’.
I hear this gotdamn song in my nightmares—along wit’ His voice but that’s another blog—it gets so much play on the radio. When I hear prepubescent children screamin’ “Gimme that Beckaaaay” not only do I want to slap the ish out of their parents but I wanna go and choke Mr Unfunny Comedian Person Dude because he works for the Lansing station that’s “Number one for hip-hop and R&B”. Which would insult the hell outta me if I was hip-hop, it already irks me as I am a hip-hop fiend but I digress.
Below is the cinematic gem that is Plies' “Becky”. Sit back, relax and catch a contact and when you're done being amazed at the pure genius of the vid, scroll down to keep readin'.

So…a few things I feel the need to touch on:
1) It’s a recession. Yeah, I get that. Ray-Ray, Tyrone and Pookie informed everyone at the last meeting of the Consistently Broke Niggas of America but um…what’s wit’ all these regular ass lookin’ video girls? Like I said, times is hard and that I understand but um…these bxtches look almost as bad as the ones in the "Halle Berry" video by that kid wit’ the natural disaster name that escapes me at the moment.
Typhoon Mike?
Earthquake Jim?
Whateva, you know who I mean.
2) it boggles mine mind to believe that this lady
Mrs. that you? *squints* nope, it's not, still someones nana tho
who bears an uncanny resemblance to my second grade teacher—if she had long hair and didn’t have a permanent bxtch scowl tattooed to her face—gives “Becky” and it hurt my heart to see her dance out of the store like that. Ew.
3) The big, slutty blonde hair…
random ass tats are NOT the biz in 09 ladies and gents
Kim Zolciak?
I wish there was a close up on her face…wait, if it really is Kim, no I don’t. The spiders that live in her eyelashes might attack me.
4) Since this stupid song has been out, I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen this sign
So ladies—and maybe a few gentlemen, who is Ren to judge?—if you got that ill deep throat, dude’ll work for ya.
5) I hope and pray that I’m not the only one who was disturbed on the soul level by the line of basic and dead ass wrongness at “Becky’s BBQ”. I’m not even screen cappin’ that ish, I refuse to have to relive the mess once more. That chick wit’ the rather unfortunate body shape in the white tank and jeans hurt my feelings wit’ her zillions and baby blue eye shadow. And to the heffa in the fishnet whatever the hell she was wearing lookin’ like she just hopped off her ho stroll for A Pimp Named Ice Water…girl, bye.
6) Why does Plies look the type to be cool wit’ cops like this?
7) I’m not even gon’ speak on the chick who was goin’ for a run in the video wit’ her effed up, oh so unattractive dye job because we know that in the extended cut of the video we get to see her get hit by a Hummer. Naw, I’m playin’, but in all seriousness ladies, if you can’t afford to get your hair dyed either save up for it or have a friend of yours who you trust—not that backstabbin’ heffa precious who stole Raequonathan from you—do it because bad dye jobs are NOT the biz in 09.
Jesus isn’t the only one who wept.
9) Hol’ up…
“Goons” wear pink?
I suppose that if Cam’Ron can so can they
10) I flat out refuse the life of the soccer mom. Flat out refuse. I can’t with her or her PT Cruiser.

There was so much more that I could speak on, so much more but, ya girl currently has company and the Sausage McMuffin’ that they brought me for breakfast is gettin’ cold.

Friday, September 18, 2009

You Know I Had to Do It Again Right?

I had to do it again…

That’s right, another video.

Now, I think that I was just a tad too hype when I was shooting a little while ago because every time I opened my mouth to speak, absolute gibberish would pop out. Which isn’t all that different than what usually happens when I open my mouth, but I was all over the place on those vids. Literally. There was one of me jumping up and down on my bed and another of me throwing ish around the room.

Anyways, decided that I should only do shout outs and even that got out of hand smh.

[Vimeo link]

Oh yeah, download the track that's playin' in the background and check out everyone that I shouted out while you're at it

Torkalina Ballerina

Lil bro :D


The DMV Vixen

Tweekygirlbandit [1 word]

lil sis Polo

Big sis Lynn

[Dumb] Dizzy

The heffa who sat in my seat


mi amor de mi vida

Before I hear any nonsense from some idiotard face that would cause me to go the eff off, I forgot people. Sheesh. There are a lot of y’all that get touched by my awesomeness. I’ll get you next time

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I Can’t Do It

I tried y’all, I really, truly did. But it was just so hard. In the end…I had to give up. And I never give up.

But I bet you can’t do it either.

An actual post comin’ soon, might shoot my own vid tonight on the eve of my braces removal


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Only Got Four Minutes to Write a Blog

Actually, it’s 4:26 but how stupid does “I Only Have Four Minutes and Twenty Six Seconds to Write a Blog” sound? Correct answer:
very stupid.

Extremely stupid even.

Anyway, I’m tryin’ somethin’ new. If I like it, I’ll keep doin’ it. If I don’t like it, I may randomly get bored and decide to try it again. I don’t know yet.

The rules to this are simple:

Just like Madonna and Justin only had four minutes to save the world, I’ve got four minutes to write a blog. Duh. When whatever it is that I’m using as a timer stops, I stop.

So, “Solo Dolo” by Kid Cudi is cued up and all ready to go and my four minutes—and twenty-six seconds—start…now.

I do a lot of crazy shit. Well, I wouldn’t call it crazy but you might. Why? Because you’re a bunch of haters, that’s why, but eh, I digress. For now.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again:
It’s the quote unquote crazy ish that I do that helps me to hold onto what’s left of my sanity. You may think that that’s weird and/or juvenile but

1) I don’t give a gotdang about what you think; who the eff are you to me?
2) Doin’ the things that I do is the only way that I feel anything remotely close to normal.

I’ve been through a lot in my twenty years. Been through some ish that some of y’all would never be able to survive, yet here I am. I’m still makin’ it through. Even though it hurts and like hell at that. Failure is not an option for me.

So my weirdness is an escape. The crazy things I do help me to momentarily

Would I Be Wrong If…

I decided to tip this troutmouthedbottomfeedinheffa—1 word—out of the seat that rightly belongs to me?
Right now I’m sittin’ here in African History—yeah, yeah, I know, I should be paying attention in class but I have the lecture outline and believe it or not, I am taking notes. Hmph.—and once a-effin’-gain, this punk bum buster is in mine seat. like I said last time, she knows that between the hours of 10 AM and 12 noon on Mondays and Wednesdays the fourth seat on the right side of the room nearest to the wall socket under the world map belongs to one LauRen Elizabeth. AKA me. Why must she continue to act as though she doesn’t know what’s really good?

One day soon she shall see that Ren is not the one to be trifled with. I won’t tip her out of the seat. Today at least. I may just trip her when class is over though…no. That would be mean…

While I sit here in class taking notes on the reasons behind Portugal’s rise as a maritime power, I’m gonna throw up a random pic that I took this morning before I left my house for the bus—which was late.

 Admit it...I'm a cutie right? You don't think so? This is where you can go fuck yourself with a diseased dick. Up the ass. No lube. Buster...LMAOOOO, twas a joke, sheesh. iKno everyone wont find me cute but I appreciate those of y'all who think I am :D

Awkward ass angle, I know but dammit I’m cute. Peep the new sexy specs. By the way, in case you were wondering, yes, I had to unleash my inner geek and wear a Marvel t-shirt with Storm, the Phoenix and Sue Storm of the Fantastic Four on it.

I’ll take more pix later, gotta peep my shoes (:


Monday, September 14, 2009

Don’t get ish twisted now


I laugh and joke all the time but don’t you think for a second that I don’t have issues that I’m working through because I do. I’m in the fight of my life and I honestly don’t know if I’m going to win or lose. Winning is everything and it feels like I’m consistently losing and if I lose…I lose myself. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not nor have I ever been suicidal, but If I lose I’ll die in a completely different way.

I don’t want people to worry about me and I don’t like people all in my business so, I laugh and often at that. I crack jokes, I make fun and I live this fucked up life of mine to the best of my abilities.

Why I felt the need to write this…I don’t know but there you have it.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You-Tube Fuckery: When Bxtches Dance and Shouldn’t

*sighs and rolls eyes*

Bitches play too gotdang much y’all, I swear fo’ BOB that bitches are gon’ be the death of Ren. I don’t need a crystal ball to see that ish either; I’m predicting it right now. And when it’s time for me to be buried—in my Easter best thank you ma’am—I want my tombstone to read:
Here lies LauRen

The girl who loved…

and got done in by those damn slutfacedhobagslorebuckets

[1 word]

from You-Tube

May she rest in peace

Yeah…you’re right. That is kinda long. Guess they’ll have to use like a 5-point font or I’m gonna have to invest in a really large tombstone. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

Take a peep at the ish that’s gone send me to mine grave.

This heffa is Pee Are Ee Gee In Ay In Tea PREGNANT. Why in the name of Similac powder, breast pumps and pampers did this bitch think that this shit is alright? Someone answer me that shit. And why the Eff You See Kay FUCK is her cousin the one that is taping this fuckery? Somethin’ ain’t right wit’ this shit right here y’all. Please notice how this nigga is egging her, making her twerk harder if you will. But you know. He’s her cousin…I guess this is just cousinly love right?

*crickets sound in the distance*

All I have left to say is that I hope her baby pops out of her womb and proceeds to strangle the mother. Moving on…

her tats are random as hell. What in the world? I’m just all around confused right now.

*sigh* there are more examples. a lot more, but I’m on my way out the door so…layta.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

@Torkaveli is an ASSHOLE

a’ight, I’m about to take my ass to sleep since I have African History and Cultural Anthropology tomorrow in the morning but this I have to post before I go and get some rather unneeded beauty sleep.


Untitled 3

[click for full-sized pic]

This was taken from one of the videos that I posted yesterday and that


[say it out loud, you’ll get it]

"Big Brother" of mine went and used ish all outta context and UGH. I’ma kick him in the eye when I make it out to the DMV.

TorkalinaBallerina [1 word]

You’ve been warned.


Rhapsody Needs to Give it Up Already

*big sigh*


So, maybe you’ve noticed the ads on mine blog—btw, feel free to click on ‘em…no, really. Ren insists on your clickage…lol, j/p. But click, okay? lmao—and while I was bored, re-watching the last two vids that I posted, I scrolled down and saw the above.

Hear it first…

Rhapsody? Yeah, y’all are on crack. I’ve had The Blueprint 3 since the day it leaked, the leak master –who is gettin’ on my gotdangnerves [1 word, shout out to Tweekygirlbandit and she knows why lol] because I didn’t shout him out in my last video *rolls eyes*—hooked me up when the one that I spent like half an hour downloading turned out to not work because it was posted by a big ol’ bucket o’Fail. But that’s not the point.

The point is, Rhapsody is killin’ me wit’ the false advertisement right now. Hear it first my ass. I heard that ish last week and IF I decide to buy it it’ll get virtually no play in Chez Ren and will be a $13 coaster.

By the by, like I told the lil ones, if you’re on your third blueprint…

it may be time to hire a new architect.

I’m just sayin’; let that marinate in your spirit while you take a listen to the New Jay and the Old Jay.

I’ll post an actual blog later. Or another vid. I know how much y’all like those lol.

Monday, September 7, 2009

It’s Not YouTube Fuckery Since It’s Me Gotdammit


People *side eye to @Torkaveli* were complainin’ about not bein’ able to see my vids, so here ya go, another one from ya girl via You-Tube

And Now…Back to Your Irregularly Scheduled Blog

Yes, yes, y’all…

Yeah, I took it there, you got a problem? Solve it. Or I’ll beat that bitch wit’ a bottle


In other news, shouts to my homegirl the DMV Vixen and my "big bro" *cough* pain in the ass *cough* Torkiebear

Well, I shouted ‘em out in my vid, but now you know how to find ‘em lol.

Enjoy lol

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I Was Told of a Boy, Naw, I Was Told of a Man…

Quick question for the hip-hop lover in you:
Why aren’t you up on this yet?
Actually, why did it take me so long to get up on this?
I love music in general but I’m in love with hip-hop. Lately however; I’ve kinda been like “Eh…I’m over it"".
No shade to anyone, but it seems like every other week there’s a new song and dance comin’ out and I’ve watched my beloved lyricism die a slow death in the name of what’s “hot.” I believe that when everything is considered “dope”, “hot” and/or fire” nothing truly is and I find myself hating the word more and more every day. If at all possible, I avoid using it. Imagine my skepticism when my twit-bro @Lega_c hit me up and told me that I had to take a listen to Hassani Kwess because he's "dope".
Initially, I wasn’t even gonna listen because of my aversion to all things quote unquote dope but Eric convinced me to do so; reminding me of the fact that we have the same musical tastes. Prepared to tell him where he could stick this bit of dopeness if it proved to be anything but, I downloaded Hassani Kwess’ Cross Into the Black EP
alright, allow me to unleash my inner nerd for a minute here. You see what he has in his hands? Yeah, one is a lightsabre and the other is a keyblade...Kingdom Hearts FTMFW! *cough* back to the blog
I plugged in my Skull Candy’s and had an unexpected eargasm.
The first track “Journeys (The Opening Act)” is a poetic and lyrical gem that has a laid back, organic hip-hop kind of vibe to it. As Kwess told the story of a boy, no, a man who can mentally moonwalk over any premeditated boom box that makes the room rock, I was mentally transported to a poetry slam. As the beat took over, I nodded my head in anticipation of the lyrics to come. Kwess rhymed:
“Electronically he’s Presario
And he sticks with Sonic because he sucks at Mario
No more rings but oh no, don’t die
It’s time to fly…
this man was I”.
Hooked by his delivery—and the pop culture reference—I turned up the volume in my headphones and continued to listen.
The beat switched up as the man himself began to mentally moonwalk over the given track and let the listeners know a bit about himself. Kwess stated that he is a man of soul and that he can’t be touched with a ten foot pole before briefly touching on his smooth demeanor. Later in the track he remarked
“And these ho’s with the whips love how I groove
They keep hittin’ me til I provoke a power move"
and proceeded to lyrically beat up the track. Without getting unnecessarily hype he continued,
“They sit back and peep game while my hands glow
Cuz once I’m goin’ ain’t no tellin’ where my hands go
Up, down, left, right
Now you’re toothless
And then you say
‘Goddamn he’s ruthless’”
Thus began the “Journey”.
Hassani Kwess’ XIB EP is an almost perfect example of why the DMV has next in the hip-hop scene. Whether he’s keepin’ your speakers knockin’ like a “Box of Shellz” or solving a hip-hop whodunit in “Who Stole the Show"?” he does so masterfully. With a guest appearance from Mouse aka The Waldorf Posterboy Kwess challenges his listeners to see if they can rock with him over some insane production courtesy of Mr. Motif of Urban Underdogz on “Electronic”.
With XIB Hassani Kwess shows that the “Quest” he’s been on since he put out D.r.e.a.m. The Mixtape and continued with his sophomore effort The Mixtape's Day Off hasn't been in vain as he shows major growth and greater lyrical dexterity.
To download the
Cross Into the Black EP, click the tracklisting below
If you look close enough, you'll see that the background text is the lyrics to "Journey" ...yeah, iLooked close enough lol
For more Hassani Kwess online, be sure to
Follow him on Twitter