Monday, March 30, 2009

His Response…

So after I post the letter that I sent to Quan on here, he decided to not just read the messages I sent to him on MySpace, but he decided to respond as well. While I was reading his message, he added a comment to the blog and this is what it said.
[I woulda used a screenshot but eh, I don't wanna right now lol, plus, this is easier to read]

That was sweet and really special to me Ren. I’ve never had anyone feel that way about me before and it makes me wonder…will I be enough for you? I look at you and see so much more than a pretty face and a body that I would do so many sinful things to (lol). I see a woman with the potential to make a hell of an impact on the world and someone that’s already made an impact on me. I don’t usually become intrigued with peoples style, commitment and total being that much if I ever do to tell you the truth but with you…it’s different. There is somethin’ about you that makes me doubt myself and I’ve never done that until I read your thoughts. I know that I can love you more than anyone has but I keep asking myself if that’ll be enough. I don’t know, but I wanna find out! I’m doing everything in my power to make you as happy as you make me, but I also don’t wanna rush anything. Yes, we’ve known each other for a while now, but I still wanna know you in and out so I can make sure that this works…I’ve had relationships that didn’t work out due to negligence on my part and I’ll be damned if I go down that same road with you. I love you too much to hurt you and I may have a weird way of actually showing you that sometimes but because of my past…I’m very cautious about just throwing my heart out there again before I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m ready. There’s just too much at stake on both of our parts baby. But never doubt that you are a queen to me and I wanna make sure I make you feel like the queen that you are.

This is the first time that he's ever wondered if he would be enough for me and the fact that he's questioning himself is proof that I'm not the only one who's scared. I don't want him to doubt himself though...
But I'm starting to realize something.
He and I are more alike than I first thought, so how do I tell him that he doesn't have to be cautious with me? That I would never do anything to hurt him? And why is it that I suddenly find myself in the same position that he's been in because of me?

“Love” [for better or worse I still will choose you first]

This is what I sent him.

[oh…about the blue, it just goes with the color scheme of my other blog, I don’t feel like changing it to hot pink right now. Got a lot besides colors on my mind ryte now]

It’s kinda funny how music speaks to and for you sometimes, isn’t it?
I had this idea to do a “mixtape/letter” with some of the songs that really put all of my feelings for you into words and puts whatever the hell it is that we have [btw…is it true that you claim me? Josh kinda let it slip that you do the other day and all I have to say is let a sista know what’s good lol] into perspective. The problem with that whole idea was that the “playlist” would’ve been at least 45 songs long and with every song there would’ve been an explanation and you know how I write. You would’ve been sitting there for like 6 hours listening to music and reading and I’m pretty sure that you don’t have the time or the patience to sit still and go through all of that. I know I don’t have it in me to write it for you.
It’s a good thing that I found one song that says just about everything then, right?

I guess I’m gonna have to break this down for you verse by verse, huh?

So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently

There is a lot that I want to tell you, but I honestly don’t know how to say it in a way that would make sense to either one of us. I’ve tried the direct approach but my words never come out the right way and I end up soundin’ like an idiot. I’ve tried to write it for you but just when I think I have the right words, I realize they aren’t enough then I have to start all over again and that process can take months (as you’ve seen lol). I just don’t know how to tell you that I love you—I’m in love with you—and having you here in my life has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. That I’ve never been happier (and in a weird way sadder) in my whole entire life and I thank God for you everyday or…

Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change

I don’t know how and I’m not entirely sure why, but from the very start of our “relationship” [I’ll call it one only if you do] I knew that things in my life were gonna change and they have. In a good way. I finally stopped hiding the way that I feel, okay, okay, for the most part at least. This is a process that I’m workin’ on. I love the way that I never have to fake anything for you—and by anything I do mean anything *wink wink nudge nudge* lol—and, this is the part that really scares me: you could be the one. The one that that stupid post was written about before I even knew it (that “to the one who gets me in the end” one in case you were confused); the one to make me happiest…or hurt me the most.

But I’ll get to that later on.

Many days I've longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence

That goes without saying though; you already know how much I want you. Not just in a sexual way—although I will never deny that fact lol—but it goes beyond all that. There are times that I wish I could just be with you. We wouldn’t have to do anything sexual or special, but to just be in your presence, to just touch you, see you face to face would be more than enough for me. *sigh* I really and truly hope that you don’t think that I’m lame for any of the things I’m admitting here. Like

Many nights I've cried from the things you do

Well…that’s not strictly true. I have cried [and I’m a punk for both doing that and admitting it to you] some nights but its only because I’ve

Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you

and that’s the truth.

Do you have any idea what I go through every time I hear that you’re in the hospital?

That first time, last April or May when you were unconscious in the hospital for two weeks? I cried and I prayed every night because I didn’t know whether or not you would live or die. I cried because there were only two things that I could think about: the fact that I might not have gotten the chance to actually tell you that I love you out loud but most importantly, I thought about your daughter Quan. I thought about her not growing up with her dad around and that really made me…I dunno, sad isn’t the word, it went beyond that. You love your little girl with all your heart—which is one one of the many things that made me fall in love with you like I did—and she loves you too and just the thought of her growing up without you or her biological mom around puts me in a bad place.

[was that too weird?]

But when I’m not worried about loosing you due to some accident, I’m worried that I’m gonna loose you because of somethin’ that I did, but like before, that comes later.

I know that you're real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions

…I do know that you’re real and I know that I can believe you when you tell me that you wont hurt me or anything like that. I don’t doubt that and I don’t question it or you. Not really. It’s me that I keep questioning and doubting.

At first you didn't mean that much to me

That’s a lie, from the very beginning you’ve meant a lot to me. Did I want you to? Hell naw, I won’t lie. Ours is a fucked up situation, but the feelings I have for you have been there basically from the beginning. Might as well let you know that now.

But now I know that you're all I need
The world looks so brand new to me

Hmm…I’m gonna choose not to speak on this part right now. Not because I don’t have anything to say, believe me when I say that I do. I’ll just say that you should know where I stand on this by now and if you’re not sure, just think about everything I’ve ever told you, every letter that I’ve written and sent your way.

Now that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you

This isn’t strictly true. I refuse to live my life for someone else especially someone who isn’t living theirs for me, but I do take you into consideration during my everyday activities if that makes sense. I dunno, it probably doesn’t, I guess I’ll have to explain that over the phone some day if ever you should call me again.

What I say is how I feel so believe its true
You got to know I'm true

Well…do you?


You’ve noticed that I didn’t add the chorus/hook right? Well, here it is.

So many people use your name in vain

To be clear at this point, I’ve said I loved people in vain, I didn’t know what love was when I did but when it comes to you Quan?

It’s genuine.
Those have faith in you sometimes go astray

I’m not sure what your definition of going astray in a ‘relationship’ is, but when I do it, that’s when I let my insecurities take over and it’s when I make an ass out of myself. As you’ve seen on multiple occasions unfortunately. I know I’ve said this before but it doesn’t hurt to say it again.

I’m sorry.

I do have faith in you; I put all my love ,faith and trust in you from the first time that I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with you, but you’ll have to be patient with me Quan. I’m not used to this sort of thing. Before you, I had never been involved with a guy who was honest with me about everything. After my past relationships (which I won’t even speak on because I was done so dirty) I stopped expecting honesty. I know, I know. You hate it when I compare them to you and I hate to do it because y’all are apples and oranges I can’t even pear, err, pair y’all but baby…up until you, that was all I knew. I’m not making excuses, but I want you to know that I’m seriously workin’ on this.

I don’t wanna loose you because of my trust/faith issues so I’m tryin’ to loose the issues.
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
There have been ups

[which we have most of the time thankfully]

and there have been downs

[that whole period with your ex? Yeah, that was a major down]

there’s been joy

[the first time you told me that you loved me too]

and there’s been hurt

[but to be fair, most of that was caused by me being insecure. Most, but not all.]

But you know what baby? Even though it seems like we’re riding an emotional rollercoaster sometimes
For better or worse I still will choose you first

I was tempted to walk away in the beginning because I didn’t think that I would be strong enough to do this, to get hurt again. But havin’ you here in my life even though your not here with me has changed me for the better and I don’t wanna go back to the way things were before.

I love you.

That’s why I choose to stay.

That’s why I choose you first.

And he couldn’t respond to this? Couldn’t say…I dunno, something?


Now I feel the tears welling up again and there’s nothin’ I can do to stop them…

I suck.

*sad face*

Friday, March 27, 2009

Together we can prevent dumbasses on MySpace. Join my cause?

I'm not braggin' or anythig, but iGet shit damn near identical to this at least twice a week

*annoyed frustrated sigh*

I’m on a campaign against dumb muhfuckas on MySpace.

So, if you couldn’t tell by my friend count of over 8.1 k friends [take that Gifted! lol, sorry, had to do it] I never deny a friend a friend request. No, on second thought, I take that back. I have denied friend requests before. I don’t know what the fuck this bitch was smokin’, but Quan’s crazy ass ex bitch tried to add me on MySpace from all three of her profiles. smh, chick must’ve thought I was dumb, like I don’t know what the fuck her old ass looks like *rolls eyes*. Thirty year old bitches that play games on MySpace with their ex boyfriends new and very much improved girlfriends…that’s a blog for another day tho; back to the topic.

Stupid people—especially those on MySpace—annoy the hell outta me. Take the lame pictured above. Now, besides lookin’ all types of retarded in his default picture and telling me somethin’ I already know—Shit, I am a sexy ass muhfucka. I won’t deny that fact, why should he?

[lmfao, I’m just playin’ y’all, I’m not that fine, as I tell Quan and his many brothers, I’m just cute]

I could just tell that he was destined to be a dumbass. Let’s take a look at some of the pictures in his albums, shall we? fighting is illegal.


why the fuck would you even insinuate that you were taking a part in very illegal dog fighting?

Holdin' a gun lookin' all tyopes of illegal then he had the nerve to have Jesus tatted on his gun arm smh

Like I say too frequently,

“he’s just another MySpace gangsta holdin’ a gun in his pic lookin’ all types of illegal.”

*rolls eyes*

oh shit, look at him multi-taskin’.

Holdin’ a gun, smokin’ a blunt while simultaneously having a conversation on his BlueTooth device.

Now…is this fool unaware of the fact that employers check people’s MySpace and FaceBook pages? Even McDonalds would be hesitant to hire him to flip burgers for them after peepin’ this shit. Nigga was on his page talkin’ about “I’m a killa”

get the fuck outta here and off the computer wit’ that stupid shit.

Your fucked up ass day is making me smile. Is that wrong?

Oh man, I love the internet. You find such great sites like my new favorite Fmylife, the discovery of which I have to credit to my girlie Alissa. I’ve been on here for the last couple of hours laughing my ass of at some of the things I’ve found on there and shaking my head at others. These are some of my favs so far.

[btw, don’t forget to hover over the pix for my commentary lol]


lmfao, come one now, tell me that isn't funny???  

the first thing iWould do if iWas her would be to get a makeover once the divorce was complete

Okay, they shouldn't have been playin' on the phone like that, what are they, 6? But damn...thats fucked up, iGotta admit

Um...isn't a GOOD thing that she isn't a suspect anymore??

...How do you get OWNED by a BABY??? Yes, iFully agree. Your life has been fucked lol

See...iCan't even speak on the fucked upedness [iKno, it's not a word, bite me] of that. Poor girl, iFeel for her

iWish a 7 year old would tell me to man up, but gotdamn if that is not some funny shit in this particular situation lol

First is it not enough that this poor girls parents weren't very original in naming their offspring but then her sister had to go and fuck her man too? Gotdamn, iWonder if Cecile knew Celine was dating the asshole or not. Hmm...probably

look, iGo to a community college, iKno just how hard it is to get into. Gotdamn lmao, her dad didn't have to say that tho haha

Okay...Mz. Ren doesn't even have words for this one, so you know how fucked up iFind this to be

WHO MASTURBATES INTO A SOCK???? Did he just loose his virginity to a spider? lmao

The fucked up things that people post on the internet lol.

Admit it, you giggled at most of those.

Didn’t you?


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I got my t-shirt and my panties on

But you can’t see shit so if any of my nosy ass family members have somehow found my damn blog you can calm the eff down.

I made this vid for mi amor Quan when my stupid webcam wouldn’t work when we were IM-ing on YiM yesterday. Sorry about the quality of this but the file was too big so I had to change the size so now I look all pixilated and not as sexy as I normally do. lol, I’m tweakin’ right now because for one I’m hyped up on Diet Pepsi and Sunchips, I heard some good news about somethin’ good [look at me bein’ redundant lol] and I’m bored waiting for this typing class to start.

I’m kinda cute and I have a nice voice huh?


Oh, by the way, this is what Quan had to say

shit...he could get it lmao. How hard would you

he then went on to say some other things, none of which I will be posting here but um…yeah.

He wants me (:


I’ve got a secret. A dirty little secret…

Gosh darn if Post Secret isn't one of my favorite sites in the history of EVER.

Some of the secrets make me smile

Now, this person is just a grade A, CERTiFiED hater, but iCan almost understand the logic behind that. Still, they're a hater, plain and simple

Others make me laugh out loud

iHave a secret fear of cat ladies, they're just creepy as hell to me

Then there are the ones that make me cry a little bit

&& before Quan, iUsed to be like that. Don't tell anyone tho lol

[for those who think I’m a bitch based on the ‘mean’ things I’ve said on here, I DO have a heart, thank you]

There are ones that sound a lot like me

&& it's not that I'm AFRAiD exactly, but iJust want my first time to mean somethin' to me and to the guy that I give it to, which explains why I've remained a virgin for these 19 years that I've been alive, but...there is someone that iKNOW it would be special with...♥

And the ones that remind me of the people I know

this is almost exactly what one of my friends told me after she and her BF broke up

So yeah, if you couldn’t tell, there was really no point to this post, I just saw some of these post cards again so I had to do it

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I'ma beat you wit' my umbrella, -ella, -ella, 'ay, 'ay

This was the funniest thing I saw all day, and I saw some funny ish (mom is over my shoulder lol)

Thank Ashley [] for sendin' the link to this around on her updates lol

I'll get around to posting my irregularly scheduled blogs again soon

Well if this doesn't look appetizing...FAiL!!

Okay, this is the last one I post today, I swear

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

I'd like an order of REAL chicken...wait, it's three bux extra?? FAiL!

I went to church earlier--don't get all shocked, I do have some religion about me--and the word that Pastor preached was just what I needed to hear today given everything that's goin' on in my life right now. It's a lot to write and I don't feel the need to write about it right now (maybe later, but no promises) I will just say this:
I have faith in my God that he will make a way. I refuse to give up on the best thing that's ever happened to me, especially since he's never given up on me...
Anywho, I needed to make myself feel better so I was cruising the web for entertainment and I came across my new favorite website
I will be periodically adding my fav. fail moments to my blogs starting with this one
fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

Doesn't it kinda make you question wtf you're getting when you hit up the local China Palace?

You ever had one of those days...

I'm goin' through somethin' right now and I needed somethin' to take my mind off it all. So, I'm doin' what I normally do when I feel upset/sad/depressed:
laugh at the misfortune of others.
Hey, some people eat icecream, I like to watch shit like this

To each their own

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Bear Force One ATTACK!!! lmao

I swear you find some of the weirdest, funniest, creepiest, queerest things ever on YouTube.
This made me giggle though because I have a gay friend who has a thing for Bears, in fact, it was him who sent this to me in the first place. lmfao, Erek said this video made him cream himself.
It just made me shake my head and laugh hysterically haha.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Every time that she bang bang he skeet skeet...[STAY UP!]

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye...
lol, I love this song, I'm glad that there's finally a video for it. 


Saturday, March 14, 2009

new rule: shave your pits before taking naked pix


I will never cease to be amazed by the shit that people put online thinkin’ that they’re cute.

About fifteen minutes ago, I went to go answer my mail on MySpace and when I went back to my homepage, I saw that they had once again scrambled my top friends.


yeah, I play apps, I'm a dork && iLove it lol

I was feeling impatient, so instead of waiting for MySpace to put my Top Friends back in order, I decided to scroll down and do it my damn self. What I saw in my number 36 spot made me choke on my water and I almost spit on my laptop screen.

Peep this


 Don't get dumb, I'm the one who put the X's over her eyes. Okay, seriously, she couldn't SHAVE before she took this damn pic? Ewwwwwwwwwww




I understand the fact that y’all may not see things that way that I do so let me tell you what to be on the look out for in this pic.

1) I gotta speak on the weave. In her picture caption, ol’ girl was like “Long hair don’t care” so I gotta be like “Bitch please, that ain’t nothin’ but yaki”

2) Um…knife wound much?

3) and this…why the fuck would you take a pic like this when you need to shave your underarms? I mean, all that hair right there? Yeah, that’s real sexy.

This chick, whoever the hell she may be, is on the not so reckless end of the scale on my reckless-ometer, earning only about a 3.75 but believe me, I’ve seen a lot worse on MySpace and the other various social networking sites that I belong to and I will be sharing those pix and my thoughts on them every time that I come across a new one.

Excited yet?


Friday, March 13, 2009

A Rare Glimpse Inside My Inbox


I’m very seriously considering turning on my away message on MySpace to avoid gettin’ shit like this every damn day.


as of now, this message has not been replied to. I bet cash he'll send another in a few minutes when he realizes I read it

My baby?

He ‘performoed’ out here?

smh, it’s always the illiterate ass niggas that try to holla on MySpace.

Anybody else notice that?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Know this is old-ish but…Christina, Girl, WHY?

This was released like last week, but this is some of the funniest shit I’ve seen all damn day. Matter of fact, it may just BE the funniest shit I’ve seen all damn day.

Peep the vid.


Christina Milian…girl why?

Out of all the little R&B chicks in the industry, she was just about the only one I wouldn’t get annoyed about when whatever guy I had on the phone at that present moment said she was fine/bad/a dime/whateva. I myself think that she’s pretty—and I will very rarely say that another chick is attractive fyi—and talented on top of it but going from this


see? her hair color choice? Yeah, thats cute PLUS it goes with her skin tone

to this


lookin' like a suburban housewife gone awry smh


That’s NOT gettin’ it.

Johnta said he used to wanna take her to bed now he wouldn’t even take her to the bus station, and as someone who spends an unfortunate amount of time at the bus station? I can personally say that I’ve seen many a pathetic, sad lookin’ female who thinks she looks oh so fine—and just look at that smile. She thinks she’s a dime. It’s sad really—walkin’ around the bus station in outfits very similar to the one that she’s wearing.

*dramatic sigh*

This could just be what happens when you fall off, but I myself think this is what happens when you mess wit’ the Dream. I mean, look at her w/sexy ass Dre


so he looks high as hell in this pic, but he's still sexy lol

And even when she was with Nick Carey, I mean Cannon


maybe not the best pic coice but they look a helluva lot better than her & the Dream

And now with The Dream?



Has one of my favorite female singers hit rock bottom for messin’ around with one of the most prolific, annoying sounding, could be one of the dopest song writers—if he chose to keep the really good songs that he’s written like “Bed” (Although, to throw in a sidebar: I would not wanna do freaky, nasty things to that song if The Dream was the one who’s face kept poppin’ up in my head) for himself—in the game?

I’m not sure.

Maybe she is just fuckin’ for tracks like most of the people who commented the interview HERE seem to think.

We are in a recession after all.

[Oh, for the curious, I’m not even gonna start on Chris Brown and Rhianna, I have too much to say on that so I’ma let Johnta speak for me.]

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Just Call Me Miss F4/30

this is the pic I was tryin’ to post, stupid Windows Live Writer

This is my classic "Hell naw I'm not about to smile for the damn camera"  face btw lol

Shouts to Shamiri for hookin' me up like she did. The next time I need somethin' done to my hair I'm sooo callin her first.

Anyway, I'm workin' on a new blog and I'll post it tomorrow or the day after. It's a preview to the 'mixtape' lol.

*sigh* you do some crazy, unique type shit when your in love, forreal. I have NEVER in my life gone to such great lenghts as these just to show a nigga just how much he means to me. Then again...

Never in my life have I met a man like him.

Damn him to hell for bein' so unique.


Um...what were the Japanese thinkin?

This is like an acid trip gone awry.
If you make it through all 5:18 seconds, I applaud you.

Yeah...this officially makes it into my
file lol

Monday, March 9, 2009

Didn't Wanna Have to Do it But I Did it Anyway

*Big dramatic sigh*

Once I had posted my one blog about Gifted bashing his nonexistent skills as a rapper and my retraction soon after, I thought that would be the last time that I would waste my time, energy and wit on Marquis “Gifted” Hall. However, after certain, documented, events, I’ve changed my mind.

Now Gifted, sweetie, buddy ol’ pal ol’ friend of mine, by no means am I sittin’ here, hatin’ on you. No, I got the majority of the hate out of my system when I posted that first blog. What I’m sayin’ here is just in hopes that you’ll soon realize that you aren’t as great…as Gifted as you think you are. I’m saying this as a music lover, critic and one slightly pissed off individual who still hasn’t received any payment for services rendered.

Earlier today, I was chillin’ on MySpace, tryin’ to keep myself from writing a certain ex bitch—I’m gonna hold my proverbial tongue and still my literal fingers because if I write about her here and now, I will go off on a tangent and that’s not what I want right now—when I went to go update my status. After telling the people that actually take the time to read status messages

can you tell iWas hella annoyed?

I refreshed the page and saw

if you would like to visit his page, his URL is

First of all, I was under the impression that no one gave a flying fuck about his apparent absence from MySpace.

Second of all, for those of you unfamiliar with the MySpace lingo, a power whore is essentially a train that you join to get friends. By Mz. Ren’s way of thinking, shouldn’t an artist have people that want to add them because of the quality of their music and not just because they’re trying to increase their friend count?

Thirdly, the same thing goes for showin’ love to someone’s page, you shouldn’t have to request it, you should just get it. I do and frequently at that, but we ain’t talkin’ about me right now.

Because I was in a very bad mood with the whole Ex Bitch situation, I decided to take a few screenshots of his page to show that he was full of shit and that he really isn’t as amazing as he thinks he is.

Screenshot # 1

It was mentioned that in his interview with (I’m still shaking my head at them for even stooping as low as to feature him in their Next to Blow section) that he had over 250,000 plays of his music. That information ladies and gentlemen is patently false. Don’t believe me? Take a peep at the pic below.


so much for over 250,000 plays, right? I'm not even gonna speak on how they look all types of homo in this pic either lmao

So…we were off by what…at least 243,288?

Screenshot # 2

The way he was talkin’ in his interview, one would think that he had legions of fans. If his friend count on MySpace is anything to judge by, that is also incorrect.


and yes, that is, as of whatever time I took the screen shot this morning, his correct friend count, iDon't have any reason to go and change it for the purposes of this blog.

In reference…

here’s my friend count


in case you can't see it, that's 7,885 friends. I don't do stupid PWZ (Power whorez) because I don't have time for them && iDon't even use adding sites anymore because iRefuse to waste my life trying to acquire MySpace fame. FaceBook is where it's at nowadays anyways lol

See also

here’s my view count as compared to his


Kinda sexy, right? lol

I’m not braggin’, I’m just sayin’.

In closing…

there are—or is that is?—many a smart assed thing that I can say about Gifted, but really? I don’t have the time to sit here and write about him anymore, so I’ll leave you all with this…

iRemoved my gurlies screen name on the off chance that Gifted may want to start a beef (which would be a big mistake on his part) or in case some freak job tries to hit her up on AiM

[See? I’m not the only one who thinks this way lol. But, to be fair, she could just be saying this because we’re really cool with each other and she doesn’t wanna offend me or anything like that.]

And this…


Separated at birth?


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Oh yeah

I’m hoping that this will be one of the last times that I write about E in this blog, but when I asked him what he thought about his brother saying

You two are made for each other”

he said that he feels the same way. Now, I’m not sure what that means to him but it kinda means a lot to me and now I’m workin’ on somethin’ else for him because I have to tell him a few other things and…yeah. He just needs to know this. Maybe I’ll post it here after I give it to him.

No promises though.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

“Yeah…I’m gonna have to ask that you back the fuck up now before I introduce you to my knife”


let me start by saying that I feel bad for talkin’ my shit—both in my last blog and outside of it—about E for ignoring my text message. Turns out that the entire time I was callin’ him all sorts of names that he was in the hospital because he got into (yet another) accident. [This is like the fourth or fifth one that has put him in the hospital since we’ve been talkin’, and to think, this nigga had the nerve to call me accident prone smh]

Sunday afternoon when I was playing hooky from church with the rest of the fam, I got a message from E’s brother John and this is what it said


In case you were wondering, even though his brother said 'Q', we are indeed talkin' about E, as for him tellin' me that I could txt him if iNeeded info, OF COURSE iDID!!! iWas afraid that iAlmost lost him again. Oh yeah, for the stalkers, there's an itty bitty version of his old default on there in case you wanted to see him

So, as I said in the message, I txt him asking what happened exactly and this is what he sent me back:

“Some asshole hit him while he was on his bike, he’s okay but has a concussion and a few bruised ribs.”

The first thing to run through my mind was I’m gonna beat the shit out of that loser for makin’ me worry about him like that” and the second was Thank God this wasn’t like last time when he was unconscious in the hospital for two weeks”. I txt back that I was glad to hear that he was okay and I told his brother to tell E that he scared the shit outta me and that I would have some words for him the next time we spoke on the phone, then I asked him when he was supposed to get out of the hospital. John txt me back and said:

lol, you two are made for each other. He get’s out tomorrow.”

Which of course made me wonder, were we really made for each other?

I had intended to ask E his thoughts on that among other things (like why is he so hell-bent on doin’ stuff to give me a heart attack?) if he called me back on Monday, but his phone is off for the moment while he tries to decide if he wants to keep it. I was—and am—still worried about him, so when I saw his name pop up on my Yahoo! Messenger buddy-list yesterday (Tuesday, I dunno when I’ll have the time to finish and post this) I sent a message because I had to tell him that I might not be able to make it out there for spring break to see him next week—which is somethin’ that is REALLY pissin’ me off right now, but I won’t talk about it because I’m not about to go off about that in this blog, maybe later. And if you peep the screen shot, this is how the conversation went.


I'm worried about the fact that he hasn't talked much since he's been home, that's not normal for him. I'm not sayin' that he talks a lot, but he usually has a lot to say, but on the plus side, he asked if I called♥

I’m really worried about him now and I just hope and pray that he’s alright. I wish that I was able to go see him for spring break but with the way things are lookin’, I wont be able to go and this is startin’ to remind me a lot of what happened at Christmas when I was supposed to be out there and…UGH, this is bullshit.

But anyways, on to today’s blog.


The bus and public transit in general? Yeah, that ain’t for Ren.

Ever since I’ve been back in school and have had to get to and from the main campus for my classes, I’ve been forced to ride the bus with the unclean masses of Lame-Town USA. Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating a bit by assuming that everyone—besides myself at least—that rides the bus is unclean, but if you could only see some of these dirty ass muhfuckas that roam the bus station, you would know exactly what I mean.

Now, I’ve been involved in a few what the fuck situations during my misadventures riding the bus but nothing quite like what happened Tuesday night that made me start by saying this


btw, feel free to follow me on Twitter

and end by saying this


&& thats not to say that iDon't like bein' at home but it's really not my favorite place to be

So, Tuesday night I had to take my Sign Language midterm and since it would’ve been completely inhumane to have us stay in class until 9:45 when we usually get out, our teacher let us go after we finished his ridiculously long test. I finished mine around 8:25 and since my minutes weren’t free yet [don’t front, y’all know how that is lol] I decided not to call mom and to just hop my ass on the bus to get home.

Big fuckin’ mistake.

First, I had to wait for a good fifteen minutes for the bus and I tried to wait inside the Arts & Science building where my Sign Language class is but that was not gonna work for me. I discovered that night that there is this pervy janitor that works at the school and if he had tried to look down my shirt or touch my ass with his broom on "accident" again, he would’ve ended up in the hospital with that broom handle stuck so far up his ass that it would tickle his brain and I would’ve been taking a trip to prison. So, to save him from a long stay in Sparrow or St. Lawrence Hospital and myself from goin’ to the pen (I’m too pretty for that shit and with my luck I’d end up with Big Patty as my cellmate) I stepped outside to do my waiting in the dark and the cold.

So, I’m standing in the little shelter thingy that really doesn’t come close to doing an adequate job of protecting one from the elements when they live in Michigan like I do, freezing my ass off and wishing that I had a cell phone plan that gave me minutes that start at 7:00 pm, when one of my classmates (who looks an awful lot like my could’ve been cellmate Big Patty) arrives on the scene. I don’t make it a habit to socialize with my classmates in any of my classes, I’m there to learn not to make lasting friendships PLUS I’m not exactly a people person so me and this chick are not friends. In fact, I think she might not like me too much based on the way that she gives me this evil ass look every time she sees me.

Well, either she doesn’t like me or she’s hungry or somethin’, I can’t be sure.

Anyways, ya girl was standin’ there, huddled against the cold in my leather coat when Big Patty’s doppelganger stepped into the shelter, almost squishing me against the Plexiglas walls. After giving me that “either I don’t like you or I’m thinkin’ about eatin’ you” look, she took out a cigarette, lit it then after taking a long drag, blew the smoke in my general direction. I’m not a big fan of smokers blowing their smoke in my face and if I wasn’t afraid that I might have gotten eaten, I would’ve told her to go kill herself somewhere else. She obviously couldn’t sense the evil mental vibes I was sendin’ her way and she continued to smoke her cancer stick as she pulled out her phone. I’m not sure if she swallowed the cigarette butt or not but the next thing I know she’s dialing someone on her phone with another Newport dangling from her lips. When whoever she called picked up the phone, she took a breath, hocked a loughie in my direction then continued on with her conversation as if she hadn’t done somethin’ that could’ve gotten her knocked the fuck out.

Because of the cold, I was in shock and couldn’t believe that she had actually spit, least of all in my direction. Who does that?

I mean, seriously?

I aimed my patented “have you no home training?” look at her (broad) back and was about to tap her on her shoulder when she turned and did it again.

Now, I’m a rather nice individual for the most part. I make it my mission in life to give people the benefit of the doubt. As I see it, Big Patty’s clone was taking up so much space in the shelter that she could’ve easily forgotten that there was somebody else in there with her and I had planned to forgive her, but when she did it again?

Hell naw, fuck forgiveness.

Luckily for her, the flat bed truck that she called for a ride showed up and she squeezed out of the shelter to either go home or to go hit up the local Cold Stone Creamery, I don’t know nor do I care. My bus showed up right after she left and I made it down to the bus station without much incident.

Seeing as I seem to be becoming a somewhat unlucky individual these days, I missed my bus by three minutes.

I took a glance inside the bus station and after looking at the rather unsavory lot loitering inside the building, I decided to do the 10-15 minute wait outside in front of my bus’s docking bay. Putting safety first, I positioned myself under one of the lights lining the outside of the building, leaned against the wall in my classic “you don’t want it wit’ me so don’t test me”pose (even if you are a mostly nonviolent person like myself, you need to adopt a don’t fuck wit’ me attitude when riding the bus, it’ll save your life, believe me.) and pulled out my mp3 player. Choosing to forego listening to Drake’s So Far Gone for the millionth time since I downloaded it a couple weeks back (seriously, if you ain't got it, get it. Click here I suggest you use RapidShare, the other one takes forever to load) I selected Johnta Austin from my library of over 175 artists and started listening to the soulful tune-age that my industry husband—well, one of them at least. I’m a polygamist in that aspect lol—continues to produce while still being ridiculously underrated.

I was listening to “One Time For Love”, the one song that really puts my whole “relationship” with E into perspective. I was standing there, thinking about mi amor when I spotted some random old man giving me the ol’ once over.

I get this every day of my life, it’s just one of the many things that comes with bein’ a light skinned, rather attractive, supa-thick chick like me. After damn near 20 years, I’ve gotten used to it; it doesn’t faze me anymore.

Ignoring the old man, I turned down my music to listen to what he was saying to his bus buddy, a guy that I took to either be his son, nephew or grandson, but continued to nod my head to the beat to give the illusion that I was still lost in my music. Obviously not knowing that the entire reason that God allowed headphones to be made was to stop people from talkin’ to you at the bus station, Gramps walked over to me with that old man swagga—if you’ve seen it you know what it looks like, I’m not sure how to describe it lol—in his step.

Standing to the right of me, he started tryin’ to spit that ol’ man game.

“‘Ey, let me holla at you for a minute girl.”

I rolled only my left eye (I’ve learned to roll only one eye at a time riding the bus. Turns out, it’s a useful skill to have) and continued to nod my head to the beat. Gramps tried to holla a few more times until he stepped a bit to close to me—within touching distance of my no-no square—and I was like fuck it, might as well make this old niggas life and acknowledge his presence.

Pulling out my right headphone, I turned my head and dazzled him with a display of my still being orthodontically straightened teeth. After being momentarily blinded by my braces and dazzling white smile which was enhanced by the bright overhead light, he remembered the reason he had come over to harass me and started to spit his game again.

“What’s a fine lookin’ girl like you doin’ ridin’ the bus like this?”

In my head I was thinkin’, “the same thing an old ass man like you is tryin’ to do, just tryin’ to get to where I gotta be.” but what I said was,

“Just headed home.”

Oblivious to the fact that when given a response that totals only three words and four syllables the person speaking to you does not want to continue on with the conversation, he kept right on talkin’ to me smh.

“Standin’ over here lookin’ like you’re sunbathin’, damn you look good. What’s yo’ name girl?”

By this time, Gramps was standin’ directly in front of me so I couldn’t do a one eyed roll. Opting for an inward, mental roll—did I roll my minds eye? hmm, makes ya wonder—I told him,

“My name is Jordyn”

which is not only the name that I use when asked for my name by the cops (lol, let me stop, I don’t get into situations that involve the police, I’m a good girl) and by the thirsty ass niggas that seem to live at the bus station, it’s my pen name. Be on the look out for Jordyn Donyelle Smith, I’ll be at the top of the New York Time’s best sellers list in no time.

After saying my name a few times to test it out, Gramps looked me up and down then licked his lips like he wanted to eat me in a completely different way than Big Patty’s twin sister. Casually, I pressed my knees together and put my hand into the pocket of my hoodie that I keep my knife in just in case the ol’ man tried to do somethin’. His bus buddy came back outside and Gramps kept his gaze locked on me while he walked backward toward his friend, thoroughly creeping me out. I thought that was gonna be the end of that so I put my headphones back on and started to vibe to “What a man really needs”. Unfortunately for ya girl, my mp3 player was still turned down so I happened to hear what was said next.

“That’s a bad lil Philly over there boy, you might wanna add that one to yo’ stable.”

Now, what went through my mind upon hearing that was “I know this old nigga can not be serious.” I’ve been called a lot of things in my day by niggas. A bitch (I admit it, I act like one sometimes) and a tease (I can be one if I choose to be) chief among them, but never in my life have I been likened to livestock. That’s almost as demeaning as being called a bitch in my book!

I could feel my self worth diminishing as I stood there and watched Gramps’ bus buddy walk over to me. To save myself from having to pretend like I couldn’t hear him, I took out my headphones and watched as dude leered at me, giving me a not so quick once over.

“Hey ma, how you doin’? What’s ya name shawty?”

Mentally rolling my eyes again, I told him that I was okay and that my name was Jordyn. He nodded his head and said,

“That’s what’s up. My name is Daniel by everybody calls me Blue. You look good ma.”

I looked at him and instantly thought that people should call him ‘Midnight’, ‘Coal’ or ‘Darkness’. This muhfucka is one of the darkest niggas I’ve ever seen walkin’ the streets of Lame-Town. If you think that I’m exaggerating, I’m not. Look, I even took a picture of him.


yes y'all, that nigga was that damn black rotflmfao

I said that it was nice to meet him and wasn’t surprised for what he asked me next.

“So, you got a man Miss Jordyn?”

I quickly answered,

“Sure do. See?”

Then I whipped out my phone and showed him a pic of…no, it wasn’t E although I have like ten different pix of him on my LG Scoop. Instead of pullin’ up my favorite picture of mi amor—the one where he’s in bed with a tan LA fitted that I’m gonna steal when I see him and this ‘you comin’ to bed or not’ look on his face. Damn, too bad y’all can’t see him—I showed him a picture of me and my older brother Larry.

Darkness, I mean Blue looked at my brother and I then asked me if he treated me right.

“He’s the best man a girl could ask for.”

Blue looked dejected as he said,

“That’s what's up ma, as long as he treats you right, but if he doesn’t, just let a nigga know and I got you.”

I faked my interest in his offer by giggling and telling him that I would indeed remember that then as soon as his back was turned, I high tailed it into the station and took a seat…

then this guy who looked a lot like Lurch from the Addams Family decided to sit his heavy breathin’ ass down right next to me.

The station was virtually dead at this time of night and the bench that I was sitting on was empty save for myself and Lurch. I could feel his beady little eyes on me so I turned to him as he tried to speak to me.

“I couldn’t help but to overhear…your name is Jordyn, right?”

Thoroughly annoyed with the whole night and the people that were steadily annoying me, I cocked an eyebrow then gave him my best withering stare until he cleared his throat and removed himself from my presence.

Five minutes or so passed and my bus finally pulled into the station. I went back outside only to find that I would have to wait before I could board because the bus driver felt the need to go relieve himself. With a sigh, I stationed myself right back under the light in front of the bus and was harassed once again by Gramps.

“Say gal, whatchu listenin’ to?”

I told him that it was Johnta Austin then he looked all confused and asked me what kind of stuff does he sing. I told him that he sings pop and R&B then he shook his head and reminisced over the days when used to ride around town bumpin’ his 8-track in his Pinto . Gramps then asked me if my man would mind if I had a sugar daddy on the side. I gave him a look that clearly said “Nigga get the fuck outta here”.

What the fuck am I gonna do with a sugar daddy that rides the bus? Use his discounted fare?


After trying to glance at how tight my jeans were hugging my ass, Gramps saw my backpack and quickly deduced that I was a student. He asked me what I was going to school for and I told him that I was seriously thinking about becoming a Psychology major. He smiled a toothless smile at me (ewwwwwww) then took my head in both of his hands and shook it. With my brain rattling around in my skull, he said something about being glad to see young blacks getting their educations.

Having had enough, I put my hand in the pocket of my hoodie and pulled out my knife

Pretty, isn't it? I ordered it a couple of weeks back and it is fast becoming my new best friend. It strikes fear into the hearts of Lansing niggas. It's great lol

and said

“Yeah…I’m gonna have to ask that you back the fuck up before I have to introduce you to my knife old man”

He backed up.

lol, after that, my night went smoothly. I got on the bus, chuckling to myself all the while as I watched Gramps go look for a security guard to snitch about my knife and half an hour or so later, I made it home.

The bus is not for ya girl y’all, forreal.

Who wants to help me buy a car?


Sunday, March 1, 2009

“I’m not a bitch, I just act like one on days that end in ‘y’”

Gotdamn if I’m not one awesomely amazing individual.

Nah, let me take that back, don’t want people thinking I’m cocky, conceited or anything like that. Then again I can just say that I’m aware of myself and how frickin’ spectacular I am, it’s not a lie. lol, a’ight, I’m really about to stop.

Now, contrary to anything that you may read here on The Life and Times of (the Infamous) Mz. Ren I'm not a bitch. As a matter of fact, I’m one of the least bitchy individuals you will ever meet. That being said, I won’t deny the fact that I act like one on the occasion. Curious as to why?

Simple answer:

Because I can.

That’s right, I act this way because I feel like it dammit. You don’t like it? That's fine by me, I’m at a place in my life where I can say I honestly don’t give a fuck about most people’s opinions. Oh…you caught that most did you? Well, what can I say, there are exceptions to every rule, even this one, and his name is E. [Before anyone asks, no, that’s not his real name, can you honestly name someone who’s entire name is an initial outside of Men in Black? No, I didn’t think so.]

I mention this loser (and I say that outta love so don’t trip) in my various blogs, so it’s only right that I mention him here at least once.

He and I met just over a year ago and have been talkin’ since last March and this man is just…I don’t even know how to describe him to y’all. E is one of the most amazing men that I’ve (n)ever met in my whole entire life and I’m so glad that I went through all the shit that I did to get to know him. To save myself from having to go over the last year of us talking, I’m just gonna say that if you really wanna know, you can read my MySpace Blog (check my Link Spot) for the details. However…

There has been a lot that has happened between us that hasn’t and probably will never be mentioned in a blog (especially one that’s open to the public), like how much it hurt to have to go through some of the stuff that I did for him. Or all the doubts that have run through my mind countless times. Or the many times that I’ve been tempted to give up and walk away so I didn’t get hurt in the end again and all the other things that I can’t help but to think about given our situation. But, since I’m a nice person who is in a particularly good mood today—must be because it’s one week to Spring Break which equals one week to E♥—I will share something that was, up until a moment ago when I decided to do this, open only to him as it was written for E and E alone.

Before you read…
[lol, I've always wanted to write that for some reason]
Way back in June, E I were on the phone havin’ a serious conversation (about a serious pain in my ass, his ex bitch who’s been fuckin’ with me for months on end) when he asked me to write him a letter telling him how much I love him and care about him because I have a hard time expressing my feelings verbally (I can say I love you just fine but for some reason I can't say why or how much out loud), so I tried my best to let my baby know just how in love with him I am. It took me 8 months and what seems like infinite attempts to get it done, but last week on February 20th, I finally finished his letter and sent it to him. I left out a few things because certain things need to be said in person and I’ll be seeing him soon enough.

E read his letter then he sent me a message saying something akin to:

Wow…You got me blushing Ren! I didn’t know it was like that for you, but I’m glad that it is.”

Which left me feelin' a bit, okay, that's all you have to say? Yeah, okay, I didn’t exactly pour my heart out to him in a blog post—that’s what my trip to Cali is all about—but what I said was so sincere and came straight from the heart so for him to just say ‘wow’?

Yeah, that was not gettin’ it.

We kept messaging back and forth for another twenty minutes or so and while he told me that he can sing [lol, in the letter I told him that I love it when he sings to me knowin’ good and got damn well that he can’t] he didn’t really bring up the letter or what I said in it again. So, I did something that I need to stop doin’. I sat and I speculated about what I said and his reaction or lack thereof as the case is. Then, on Sunday night, I was sitting at my laptop deleting the various things that I’ve written and listening to Drake’s So Far Gone. I had been looking over the various beginnings, middles and endings to E’s letter when I heard “Sooner Than Later” and started crying like a punk because it described exactly how I feel sometimes. I rewrote that part of his letter then I posted it and sent the link to E while explaining why I said what I did and that it was from an old version of the letter.

Which you get to read now.


This is one of the songs I want you to listen to. Just pay attention to the first verse then keep reading.

Sometimes, I feel just like the girl he wrote this about.I understand the fact that I’m not your girl and that I’m probably not even the only girl that you’re talkin’ to—I’m not accusin’ you of anything since that’s not my place, I’m just sayin’—but sometimes it does feel like I’m the last thing on your mind or that I’m an afterthought at the very least. I know you love me, you tell me every chance you get, but I don’t need you to tell me something that I already know. What I want from you, what I need is more of your time. That’s all I’m askin’ because baby, I love you. I don’t want us to grow apart then one of us realizes that the other is everything we're missin’—which may or may not be true, who am I to say what you're missin’? Maybe when you finally have the time and "pull it together" (his words, not mine), I wont be there because I moved on to someone who had what I'm askin' you for.That’s not what I want. I think it’s already been established but I guess it wont hurt to say it again:

What I want is you.


I wont be here forever

I hope you realize I've waited this long

But I wont move on

Cuz I don't want no one else

I don't need no one else

So I guess I said all that to say this:

As long as you take the time to show me that this is what you want, that I'm what you want, I'll be here waiting.

Just a lil bit more of your time is all I'm asking for.

Or would I be gettin' out of pocket and actin' above my station if I asked for that?

***'s kinda apparent why I took this out of the letter, right?


Look, I love you E. Whether I get more of your time or not (although I can't lie, it would be nice to hear from you a little more often. I know your busy but I'm just sayin') that's not gonna change.You know that.


[Well shit, if you didn't, now you do lol]

Now, being me, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I had to go and add onto it when I couldn’t sleep the same night that I posted it, but because MySpace won’t let me edit my posts in FireFox—which is borderline retarded is you ask me—I left it in the form of a 697 word (yes, I did count) comment.

&& so, I couldn't sleep so I found myself sitting on MySpace at  3 somethin' in the morning, putting my hectic and chaotic thoughts into words for the man that I love. Am I lame or what?

After I had done that, I finally got some sleep. Not a lot but enough to ensure that I would be able to function with minimal difficulty once I woke my ass up.

About 6 or 7 hours later, I did something that I’m still kicking myself over:

I called him.

I didn’t expect him to answer his cell since it was 7:30 AM his time, so I was shocked when he picked up sounding all sleepy and sexy like. We talked about his night spent at the hospital (his daughter caught some strain of the flu) and after making sure that they were both alright, we talked about a lot of other things that had nothing to do with why I called him. I’m not sure how exactly, but I eventually transitioned into why I decided to call him.

I told him that I had something that I wanted him to read once he got online, then I asked him if he wanted me to read it to him hoping that he would say no.

He said yes. Like a total spaz.

So, I sat on my couch with my laptop on my knees and played him the song, then read him the excerpt from his letter all the while trying not to cry like a total girl. I did a pretty okay job of keeping the tears at bay until he started talking, but as soon as he opened his mouth to tell me how sorry he was for making me feel like that and that he would make more time for me because he doesn’t want to loose me. When he told me that I am the only girl he’s talkin’ to and that I—along with his beautiful little girl—complete him, I couldn’t stop the tears even though I tried. When he finished making me cry with his sweetness and sincerity—I hate the fact that I’m a total girl when it comes to him—I told him that I wasn’t finished then asked if he remembered how he said that he wished he could see into my head sometimes. When he said that he remembered I read him the comment…then started crying again when told me how much he loves me and just what I mean to him. I’m not gonna rewrite all of that here because it would just make me cry like a punk again plus I’m actually mad at him right now—It’s been 8 effin’ hours and still no response to my “I need to tell you somethin’” txt message. So much for takin’ time out for me right? smh—but it was really touching and it let me know how serious this is to him.

Just before we got off the phone so he could go to class and so I could get ready to go and catch my bus—I have a whole rant to go on regarding public transit and why it ain’t for me that I’ll post soon—I asked him just what was goin’ through his mind when he read my letter. He said that he was speechless for the first time in his life—which I can believe, that nigga has a mouth on him lol—and that I made him feel like a king with that letter. I told him that I meant every word and that he is a king.

My King.

He called me His Queen then he told me he loves me and that he’d call me when he got the chance (which turned out to be the next morning while he was taking his daughter to school).

The next day a couple of hours after we got off the phone after another AMAZiNG conversation, I logged onto MySpace to check my messages and comments and to play Bloodlines, my new favorite addicting MySpace App when I saw this:

Oh yeah, iReset my count last Valentines Day in case you were wondering lol

I chose to look at my blog comments first thinking that it was another person praising Cam&&Essence

[and no that’s not me bein’ cocky either, C&&E is my most popular blog series]

but was pleasantly surprised to see

his screen name has been removed, don't try to stalk my baby and his MySpace page, umkay? lol

Oh yeah, I removed his screen name, E and I both prefer that he remains relatively anonymous in everything that I write, plus, bitches is nosy as a muhfucka.

With my heart in my throat—see, he’s the only one that I’m comfortable with sayin’ stuff like that about, my mind doesn’t normally work in clichés and I try my best not to use them at all costs—I clicked the link and read his comment.

I also removed his picture, bitches and bitch niggas are nosy as hell, don't get it twisted, my luv is sexier than a muhfucka, just believe me when iSay it

Sweet right?



This blog wasn’t even supposed to be about him, especially given the fact that I’m still hella annoyed wit’ his punk ass (on the off chance that you come across this E, this is the way I talk about you when you get on my nerves. It’s your own fault luv lol PLUS, I have a pretty good idea of the way you talk about me when I annoy you so don’t trip) but I guess it is what it is. By my next post I’ll be back at my bitchy best.

I promise.