(Belated)

So my birthday was in August, right?
Yeah. The big, “Oh, shit! I’m inching closer and closer to twenty five…which is almost thirty. How the hell did that happen? What have I done with my life? What is that annoying ass ticking sound I keep hea—is that my fucking biological clock? Laaaaaawwwdddddd; I ‘on wanna be old!” twenty two.
Once the initial shock of realizing that I’m growing older at what must be a non-linear—not to mention exceedingly annoying—rate, I decided I wanted to do something special to celebrate. But I didn’t know what to do.
I was thinking about doing something “deep” and “meaningful” to show how much I’ve “matured” with age. Y’know, because I’m known for being “shallow”, “nonsensical” and “immature”?
Yeah, no. I tossed that idea out really quick.
After that, I thought about doing a letter to my future self from my then present self so that when Future Ren read it, she’d (I’d?) be reading Past Ren’s thoughts. The meaningfully deep levels present had the potential to reach an annoyingly pretentious high, so before I could make my future self hate m then current, now past self, I decided to scrap the idea and push it along like ATCQ.
After a host of other terrible ideas, some of which are too terrible to even mention, I finally decided to shoot a birthday video…which I never actually finished. Or really even began for that matter. I quickly discovered that I have this weird verbal diarrhea meets ADHD thing goin’ on which is no good. Besides that, have you seen my skin? Horrible. I look like the “before” portion of a Proactiv ad, smh.
I ended up not doing anything. Which sucks. I didn’t post anything on my much more important and much less scarring (unless you happened to be my liver that night) twenty-first birthday and I completely ignored my second Bloggiversary back in February.
…But that wasn’t the point of this.
My birthday was suppose to be my relaunch date.
This, The (Infamous) Life, was something I started for me. Hell, it's still is for me. But lately, I've slipped and slacked off in the worst way. And I know that I've said this in the past, but that won't be happening again. I mean it this time.
So, with all of that said?
I’m officially back on my shit.

Guess Who’s Bizzack?

If I wasn’t convinced that a wild Stan would appear on some Pokemon Diamond shit, I’d channel Pay-Pal’s supposed number one seller <Kanye voice>of all time!</Kanye voice> and hip-hop’s poster child for fellatio, lace front wigs, self hate botched plastic surgery and colored contacts by saying “I’ve been gone for a minute but I’m back wit’ the jumpoff”, but…y’know. I don’t have the time, energy or the very patience necessary to battle someone who plans on extolling the virtues of Ms. Kimberly Jones because she can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth and because Hardcore use to be the shit back when I was in first grade[1], and I really can’t be bothered to be inadvertently dragged into that whole Nicki v. Kim thing right now. Beside all that, I’m fresh out of Master Balls. Not that I’d want to capture a wild Stan or anything, but eff it. I think someone out there knows what I’m trying to say. Maybe.
Anyway doe.
Shady bullshit in the introductory paragraph aside, it has been a minute since I’ve posted anything on here or my alternate blog of choice. Not that I’m about to apologize or anything like that. I’m sure that nobody, myself included, cares much or at all, so I’d just be wasting my breath and my keystrokes, but I’ve been busy-ish goin’ through some stuff lately. Nothing bad or even particularly good, just a lot of annoying and necessary, supposedly grown up, things.
During the first four months of the year, I lost a lot and, in exchange, I gained a lot of knowledge and insight. I learned a lot about people, things and situations and I’ve had to make a few not so minor adjustments to this (infamous) thing I call my life. I cut out a lot of shit and quite a few folks and now? Now I’m focusing on who and what matters most to me while chunkin’ the deuce to everything and everyone who never did.
…Ugh. That paragraph sounds like some of the empowering drivel designed to keep women single, lonely and bitter as hell for the rest of their lives, smh. Forgive me; it’s not even like that. I’d elaborate but…
I don’t wanna.
*shrugs*
lol.
Here’s to days filled with more consistent infamy.

♥

1 1996 was a long time ago…dammit, now I feel old.

It’s Been a Long Time…Here’s Why I Left You

I’ve been tryin’ to come up with something relevant, irreverent and sufficiently sarcastic to open this post with, but I’m drawing a ridiculously large blank as I jot these words down on my mini Top Flight legal pad.
Now, y’all should know me by now. I am the reigning Queen of Sarcasm, able to serve subtle if I so choose shade with the best of ‘em, yet here I am. Wielding my mechanical pencil as my scepter, I’ve tried to command the words to come forth and do my queenly bidding, but my subjects have proved to be disloyal as they continue to revolt. The only thing that I’ve managed to bring on is a royal headache.
Bleh.
So anyway, I’m sure that by now my handful of readers and lurkers I see you, Gemayel have noticed the appalling lack of posts here on The (Infamous) Life. As much as it would amuse me—and it would so amuse me—to hit y’all with a rather extravagant “See…what had happened was, um” lie story there would’ve been a spelunking midget, a seventh son of a seventh son and a spelling bee, the truth of the matter is I’m far too lazy to do all that. So, you get the truth.
Exciting prospect, innit?
As of late, I’ve been…blocked. Not just where my writing is concerned although yeah, there’s that too, but it’s deeper than that.
Have you ever been involved in a situation or gone through something that left you struggling to figure out how to deal with its aftermath? Ever thought that you were completely over said situation when randomly and completely out of the blue, somethin’ hits you and makes you realize that you aren’t over it? That whatever it is that you’ve been doing is just your way of avoiding the issue?
That was me. Kind of.
There wasn’t just one specific thing that happened with me; there was a bunch of shit that was and still is going wrong, and my way of coping with the multitude of losses and the straight up fuckery was to not deal with it. Distract myself from my various situations and whatnot.
Me? I’d much rather invest my time and energy into something that I know won’t work instead of thinking about something that failed in the past so I can feel some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that I was right. So, that’s what I did.
‘Ey. I never said it made sense.
That was then, though. I can’t keep this shit up anymore. I’m behind on several deadlines—self imposed and otherwise—and I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole avoidance thing has been fueling my rather annoying case of insomnia. Tis a rare occurrence for me to get to sleep before 0400 and I’m lucky if I get more than three hours of it at any given time. Yay, Ren.
So, uh…yeah.
It’s been great, finally updating my blog and all that, but I have to take advantage of this non-writer’s blocked moment and put in some Goode work, so now it’s time to say goodybye
*rub-rub-rub-snap-clap*
Yeah, I took it there.
♥

Mazel Tov; It’s a Celebration. Bxtches.

Meter maids are a bunch of bitter people who delight in taking their obvious aggressions out on people who made the unfortunate mistake of not putting an extra dime in the meter. They’re about as evil as anesthesiologists and according to the karma scale that I just made up, their next life will be that of a hissing cockroach. Just thought I’d put that out there. Y’know, in case you ever wondered.
Anyway…it’s my bloggiversary!
That’s right my friends, enemies and hybrids of the two, it’s been exactly one year since The (Infamous) Life was launched out of boredom. While it’s true that I haven’t always been consistent with my writing style and posting schedule, you can see that I haven’t completely abandoned my blog and let the weeds run wild here at LauRenxExCarter on BlogSpot Way. So, to commemorate my year of inconsistent posts, criminally sane in an insane type of way ramblings that are apt to occur and my dissection of fxckery, I’m doin’ somethin’ a little different. I’m letting LauRen and Ren speak individually and for themselves, which is to say, for myself.
Before you allow yourself to think that I’m crazy…er than what I’ve shown myself to be, calm down and just go wit’ me here.
♥
Ren
The first thing you need to know is that I don’t appreciate the effin’ questions LauRen and I have received in regards to our little “arrangement”. Any other time someone kicks a concept that your puny little mind can’t comprehend you just smile, nod and subtly look at your watch, but no. Y’all wanna dig deeper and try to throw me in the box marked “DAMN, this bxtch is crazy”. I’ll have you know that I’m perfectly sane and insinuating otherwise will get you kicked in the shin. Twice.
The second thing you need to know is that there is no Sasha Fierce shxt goin’ on, meaning that there’s no demonic possession going on *slight side eye* when I’m around. Yeah, I said it, your point? …Let me stop angering Beyonce: Yaki Princess’s stans and get back to the task at hand.
The main thing that you need to know is that I’m LauRen and LauRen is me. I’m the side of Elle (get it? The first letter of her name is “L” and when you spell it out…y’all are slow, eff it) that the majority of people meet, if only at first. Why? Because, I like to be difficult, it’s fun, beside that, I’m the judge and jury of this shxt.
Once you pass the Many Trials of Ren—which include but are not limited to verbal sparring matches and dodging sarcastic barbs masterfully thrown by yours truly—then you can get to know me on a deeper, much more personal level. Maybe. However, if you are judged and found wanting, your chances of getting to know Elle are slim to helldafxcknaw. I don’t have time for nonsense in the form of weakness so I weed it out early on. I don’t like people, y’all know that. It takes a lot to get close to me for a reason.
Ah. Put you off a bit have I? Well, to avoid frightening you further—even though the it would be pretty amusing to me. I’m sick like that (= –I’ll say this and hand it back over to LauRen meaning I get to talk some more:
I, boys and girls, am but a character playing my part in this grand ol’ play called Life. My role is that of “protector”. I’m the front that gets thrown up to push people away, think of me as the hard outer shell that needs to be cracked in order to reach the fluffy, nougaty center.

LauRen aka Elle
I promise you, I’m not crazy. Don’t assume that I suffer from some mild form of a dissociative identity disorder because of the things that I’ve said and will continue to say as Ren for as long as I see fit. As she—that is to say, I—stated above, I am Ren and Ren is me. She is a living and breathing person which is why I treat her as such. We are one. We share a heart that’s been broken and mended time and time again, a body and a singular mind. The only distinction between the two of us is that which I’ve created because I like to fxck with peoples minds and can admit it.
There are those that may say that Ren is a defense mechanism and they may be right. Or, they could be wrong as Sarah Palin running for any type of public office. Only I know the truth.
Or do I?
♥

That was fun (^_^)
lol. Real talk though, I’m not crazy y’all, at least not to my standards of crazy. I’m a lot more sane than I act and that is what keeps me sane. Make sense? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Don’t try to understand me, it’ll save you a lot of brain cells and time that you can’t afford to waste. Now, let me throw up this track of the day and be out. I’ve got a scarf to finish crocheting. “Infamous”? No, not remotely, but this is how I spend my nights when I’m not plotting the destruction of Dell with a half empty bottle of water, a purple pen and a AA battery.
Here’s to another year.

♥

Day One: Not So Drunken Reflections

First things first: it’s 2010 y’all!

If you’re reading this, you too have survived 2009 because I refuse to believe that someone like you has found a way to bend time and space for their own, quite possibly masochistic reasons. Gon’ head and give yourselves a quiet handclap, I’m almost positive that more than a few of y’all have hangovers right now. It’s all good; I understand. There was a more than slight chance that I too was going to be fxcked up when I brought in 2010, but alas, twas not to be.

Not that I didn’t try. Believe me; I did. Not only that, but I had others tryin’ to get me fxcked up as well. I’d had my half full, blue plastic sippy cup—don’t talk shxt, a cup is a cup—in my hand as I was writing the first draft of this when The Bestie came and poured me another glass of whatever the hell we were drinkin’ at the time. Heffa told me that I better write fast because I was about to get fxcked up. Four or five drinks later, it still didn’t happen for me, but since clairvoyance isn’t one of the innumerable things that make me unique and ergo better than you, I scribbled this in my notebook:

I’ll keep this one short.
A few people have asked me if I planned to recap 09’s infamy and my answer is no.
Last April, I lost a part of myself and went mildly insane which explain the lack of posts that month. Almost nine months later, I still find myself dealing with the decisions that were made and the things that were said. I’m not ready to relive the circumstances; I can’t, not yet at least. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my entire life and I just…strong as I am, I can’t bring myself to do it.
*coughs and takes a long drink from my cup*
But anyway, I was just writing to say Happy New Year. If you’ll excuse me, I just took a whole glass of…shxt; I dunno, to the head so I’ma proceed to get lit if you don’t mind. Happy New Year y’all, be safe, don’t drink and drive, wrap it up and all that good shxt.
Oh, before I go.
Prospero ano mi bandito. Te amo.
I’m gone.

Like I said, a clairvoyant I am not which explains why I wasn’t hung-over in the least when I wrote this addition to the blog this morning:

Hey there revelers, assorted party goers, all out drunks and those who are underage and couldn’t convince someone to buy liquor for them so they kicked it at home wit’ the fam last night. How the heck be ye?
Taking a break from worshipping at The Temple of The Porcelain Goddess to Google hangover remedies? Trying to figure out who the hell “Big Mike” is, why his number is written in Passion Plum lipstick on your chest and why you’re walkin’ funny this morning fellas? Trying to convince your goons and goblin lookin’ gurlies not to upload those embarrassing pix and vids to FaceBook ladies? I assure you, you are not alone.
I’m not doin’ any of that silly shxt, but somewhere out there, beneath the pale, golden sunlight, someone is doin’ the same thing. Sure, dude may have “Lil Tony” on his chest in Fire Engine Red and a chick may be trying to convince her people not to upload the pix to MySpace (although, who checks that site anymore?) but no matter, it’s the same shxt.
As for me and my (infamous) self, the time is now 9:30 in the AM and I’m mad that I’m the only one who’s fully awake and ready to seize the day. I’m not hung-over in the least although The Bestie did her damndest to ensure that I was, topping off my glass when I wasn’t even looking smh. Didn’t matter though, I just know that when I knocked at a quarter past three this morning, I wasn’t even buzzed.
*shrugs and sighs*
I’m bored. I’m hungry as hell and the cheesy enchilada and sour cream Dorito’s I just ate did nothing to placate me or pacify the rumbling in my stomach. I’m mad as a muhfxcka that I retained the ability to conjugate verbs if I so choose after last night. Add that to the dream that I had about Him and the black, secondhand smoke that’s now filling my healthy, pink lungs as my girl’s roommate's sister puffs on a Newport as I silently curse out The Bestie for leaving me stranded in a house full of bxtches—I said it out of luv, shut up—so she could go cake wit’ her boo-thang, I can say that 2010 is off to a frickin’ fantastical start.
*withering side-eye from a hung-over hell where demons flash lights in your eyes and bang on pots and pans like a two year old.*

My mission for the year is to try to update The (Infamous) Life at least once a day, or to at least write something for said blog and prepare for posting when I can finally hook my laptop up to the Internet. The parental is still fakin’ on gettin’ the router fixed and she broke it back in November smh.

While I’m on the subject of November, I’ve decided that I’ll continue to post things for and about Him here instead of relegating them to one of my other blogs. I feel like I have to. Not sure why, but I do.

*shrugs and sighs sadly*

One day down, three hundred and sixty four to go.

♥

The Return of The Ren and Tia Show

I just rewatched this for the third time and…lmao, we’re a mess.

No lengthy introduction, just a video shot with the bestie and directly uploaded to Vimeo. The YouTube link will be up soon, as will the second part to our madness

♥

What I Need Right Now Is…a Star

Every wish that I’ve ever made has lead me to you and I thank God for the broken road that I travelled to lead me to you

*sigh*

I’m not even about to hit y’all with an introduction this time around. I can honestly say that I’m not in the mood to make my particular brand of lighthearted if one sided banter. So…let’s get it.

♥

I make the wishes that I make in memory of Jay.

When we were younger, An American Tail was one of our favorite movies and we used to drive his family crazy whenever we watched it because we had to recite every line and sing every song.

About a year or so before he passed away, we were watching the movie and trying to act as though he had all the time in the world left to live. When the movie got to my favorite song “Somewhere Out There” he let the scene play then paused the movie. Turning to me, Jay asked me if I knew what the song was saying. Smart ass that I am, I gave him my signature “why don’t you break it down for me since I’m so slow” look and told him that I had no clue what it meant.

Giving me his “why you gotta be so damn difficult” look, he told me:

No matter what happens, no matter where you go or what you do in life, there’s gonna be someone out there that loves you no matter what. Someone who may have never met you is saying a prayer for you right now in hopes that they will meet you one day. They’re saying a prayer because they know that you’re out there waiting for them. They may not know who or where you are, but they know that somewhere, maybe near and maybe far, you’re out there and they’re waiting to meet you. The very thought of you could be the only thing that’s helping this person get by

At this point, he stood, grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out to the backyard.
[which I was not happy about, it was cold as shxt that night]

Once we were in the yard, he told me to look up. Doing so, he told me to make a wish for that as yet, unknown person. Without turning around to look at him, I told him that if any wishing was going to be done that night, it would be a wish for him.

“You gotta get used to the fact that I’m not gonna be here forever Ren, I have. It’s not all about me and it’s not even all about you. It’s about the other person too.”

“Why should I care about someone I don’t even know?”

“Because they care enough to do the same for you.”

Knowing that I’d never be able to win with him, I found my star and I said my wish…

Three and a half years later, it came true.

♥

On This Day I Become Legendary…

*happy sigh*

What the eff is up first time visitors and long time lurkers of mine (infamous) life and times? How be thee knaves, princes, paupers and all around common folk? If you couldn’t tell or were to….

What’s the nice word for “stupid” that I’m lookin’ for? Dense? Yeah, that’ll work.

If you were too dense to pick up on it, Ren is currently in a great mood.

Yeah, sure I’m sitting in Positive Psychology cold as hell because some genius that works for the school decided that it would be a brilliant idea to turn the air conditioning on knowing good and gotdamn well that we live in Michigan and having the air on after August can result in death. And yeah, alright, that loud ass female who I can’t stand showed up to class in a face mask and I’ve been throwin’ medicated side-eyes at her hopin’ and prayin’ that she doesn’t have the swine flu cuz I don’t wanna come down wit’ a case of the oinks. And yes, I decided to wear my hair like this

 

Which is apparently the old mans hairstyle of choice considering all the skeevy old men who tried to push up on me when I hit main campus smh.

Regardless of all that dumb shxt, I am in a fan-frickin’-tabulousy awesome mood right now.

My meeting earlier went great. Better than great. Twas amazing actually. Every day and in every way I’m gettin’ “Closer to My Dreams”  and it feels so effin’ good jo. I’m on the brink of doin’ somethin’ that I’ve dreamt of doin’ ever since I read Marc Brown’s Pickle Things out loud to my class in first grade and…wow. All I can say right now on that is wow.

For the first time since May 11th 2009—one of the best days in the herstory of mine life—I’m truly happy…and the screen shot says it all

Ren is in such a good mood right now that she—I?—was even more positive than I usually am and yes, despite the goings on that you read about in these, my life and times, I am a positive individual. I have both kind and individual words that I use on a regular basis. Here’s a little example:

I was playing around on the Social Interview app on FaceBook earlier and the last question that I was asked was

If the whole world were listening, what would you say?

To which I answered:

Ha, like that'll ever happen. Nobody listens anymore, but on the WAY off chance that I did get the whole world to listen to what I have to say, I'd say:

"Life isn't all about the pursuit or the end goals that you may have. It's about enjoying the journey and being grateful, and lets not forget THANKFUL for the things you have and the people that you were blessed enough to meet along the way. Always remember who you are and never let "them" tell you who you should be. Your life is yours for a reason. Live it and be happy."

That's IF they all decided to listen tho

*shrugs*

Of course, since people aren’t used to the positive Ren, I’ve been getting shxt like this all day

 

But eff ‘em.

lol.

I’m cuttin’ this one short, be glad and rejoice in the fact that I’ve given you less than 1,000 words to read this time around. I’m about to dip out of Positive Psychology early.

Shh. Don’t tell my professor.

♥

Now Usually I Don’t Do This But Um

*aggravated and super annoyed sigh as I grit my teeth and write*
This is not something that I do on the reggy and the chances of me doing so again are slim to helldafxcknaw so please, relish this moment as it may not happen again in your lifetime. Without further ado:
If I have ever offended you, on purpose or otherwise, made you mad—again, on purpose or otherwise—or done something to make you feel as though I was attacking you—once more, on purpose or otherwise—this is my apology.

I act as though I don’t give a fxck about people or their feelings—and on some level I don’t. Just because I apologized doesn’t mean that I’m gon’ lie to y’all—but I honestly do. Ask anyone who really knows Ren; I care about people.

A lot.

So, here it is. My blanket apology.
I can guarandamntee that I’ll do something to piss you off—I’m Ren. It’s part of my charm—but when I do, just refer back to this.

Unless it’s necessary, I won’t be doin’ this ish again. Lucky that y’all got this.

*shrugs*

You Know I Had to Do It Again Right?

I had to do it again…

That’s right, another video.

Now, I think that I was just a tad too hype when I was shooting a little while ago because every time I opened my mouth to speak, absolute gibberish would pop out. Which isn’t all that different than what usually happens when I open my mouth, but I was all over the place on those vids. Literally. There was one of me jumping up and down on my bed and another of me throwing ish around the room.

*shrugs*
Anyways, decided that I should only do shout outs and even that got out of hand smh.

[Vimeo link]

Oh yeah, download the track that's playin' in the background and check out everyone that I shouted out while you're at it

Torkalina Ballerina

Lil bro :D

Domo

The DMV Vixen

Tweekygirlbandit [1 word]

lil sis Polo

Big sis Lynn

[Dumb] Dizzy

The heffa who sat in my seat

[lol]

mi amor de mi vida

Before I hear any nonsense from some idiotard face that would cause me to go the eff off, I forgot people. Sheesh. There are a lot of y’all that get touched by my awesomeness. I’ll get you next time

I Only Got Four Minutes to Write a Blog

Actually, it’s 4:26 but how stupid does “I Only Have Four Minutes and Twenty Six Seconds to Write a Blog” sound? Correct answer:
very stupid.

Extremely stupid even.

Anyway, I’m tryin’ somethin’ new. If I like it, I’ll keep doin’ it. If I don’t like it, I may randomly get bored and decide to try it again. I don’t know yet.

The rules to this are simple:

Just like Madonna and Justin only had four minutes to save the world, I’ve got four minutes to write a blog. Duh. When whatever it is that I’m using as a timer stops, I stop.

So, “Solo Dolo” by Kid Cudi is cued up and all ready to go and my four minutes—and twenty-six seconds—start…now.

I do a lot of crazy shit. Well, I wouldn’t call it crazy but you might. Why? Because you’re a bunch of haters, that’s why, but eh, I digress. For now.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again:
It’s the quote unquote crazy ish that I do that helps me to hold onto what’s left of my sanity. You may think that that’s weird and/or juvenile but

1) I don’t give a gotdang about what you think; who the eff are you to me?
2) Doin’ the things that I do is the only way that I feel anything remotely close to normal.

I’ve been through a lot in my twenty years. Been through some ish that some of y’all would never be able to survive, yet here I am. I’m still makin’ it through. Even though it hurts and like hell at that. Failure is not an option for me.

So my weirdness is an escape. The crazy things I do help me to momentarily

Don’t get ish twisted now

 

I laugh and joke all the time but don’t you think for a second that I don’t have issues that I’m working through because I do. I’m in the fight of my life and I honestly don’t know if I’m going to win or lose. Winning is everything and it feels like I’m consistently losing and if I lose…I lose myself. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not nor have I ever been suicidal, but If I lose I’ll die in a completely different way.

I don’t want people to worry about me and I don’t like people all in my business so, I laugh and often at that. I crack jokes, I make fun and I live this fucked up life of mine to the best of my abilities.

Why I felt the need to write this…I don’t know but there you have it.

*shrugs*