How About We Play a Game of Hide and Go Fxck Yourself?

Hey, hey Homo sapiens, canines, reptiles and all others who look like you belong in the animal kingdom, how’s it hangin’?

If you’re a fella and you say that it’s hangin’ low, please forgive me if I don’t believe you. I’m asking that you email your photographic evidence to LauRenxExCarter@googlewave.com [that’s right, I got it. Ha.]  and let me be the judge. (I’m joking…not.) And if you’re a lady who says its’ hangin’ low your way…my goodness woman! Have you not heard of a bra? Sheesh.

As for the kid, I just got out of my ortho appointment and am currently on the bus doing 45 in a 35 zone. I’m also waterlogged like shxt due to the rain and the wind that killed my smiley face umbrella. [Insert sad face…here =( ] I’m also getting more and more annoyed with every passing second, tight as hell that I’m on the CATA with the unshaven, unwashed and unclean masses of Michigan’s capital city. Other than that, I’m watching this man drool in his toothless slumber as we hit every pothole on one of Lansing’s busiest streets on the way back downtown to the bus station. I honestly don’t know whether to be disgusted or mildly amused as I watch line after line of spittle fall from his mouth onto his hand.

Hmm…I just decided that I’m mildly dismused right now and shall continue to be that way unless his drool happens to land on me, my person or my possessions. If that happens, homeboy can expect a decidedly rude awakening from me and my 15.4 inch Dell Inspiron 1525 goin’ upside his head. And y’all know me, it’ll be an oops, upside his head.

Oh yeah.

“Dismused” is a combination of disgust and amusement in case you were feeling slow, and it’s alright if you are today. It’s Friday and not only that, it’s the Friday of Halloween weekend. I’m sure that there are those of you who are rejoicing that you can leave your houses without makeup on tomorrow night and still be accepted by society at large. If I needed makeup to survive like some of y’all

*smug side-eye because I’m mildly attractive without any assistance from MAC, L’Oreal, or Maybelline*

I’d jump on the chance to be able to go out without any on. Maybe that’s just Ren though.

*sigh*

Y’all know how much I dislike people right? Actual People that is, I love Theoretical People with the same passion and verve that I love Him. Actual People though, I have no love for most of them and the ones that I do have love for are the ones that have Theoretical Person traits. But that’s a different discussion for a different blog, let me get back to this loud ass, bottom feedin’ heffa who’s itchin’ to get laptop whipped.

To put it out there, I don’t know this bxtch and she don’t know Ren, but I know of her and from the shxt that she’s talkin’ right now, she knows of me too. And based on the way that she’s talkin’ out the side of her neck, she doesn’t like me. This is the look I’m givin’ her right now

Look here bxtch, you don’t know Ren and you for

Damn

sure don’t know LauRen Elizabeth so don’t get shxt twisted and end yo’ big headed, small boob, no assed, red Kool-Aid colored weave and blue contacts wearin’ self put in the hospital. Tryin’ to get buck at the back of the bus, bah. Like I said BXTCH you don’t know me. I don’t like to fight so I don’t. However, it won’t be a fight if I give you a quick right to the jaw and a left to your throat. Get on my damn nerves.

Don’t you hate when people try to talk shxt on the low like you’re stupid? She’s up there sayin’
”Yeah, I’ll beat that bxtches ass then take her laptop.”

Um…hello. I’m the only muhfxcka on this bus with a laptop out ho. Don’t let the Skull Candy’s fool you, I hear everything that you’re sayin’ right now. Stupid cow.

*rolls eyes* 
All this is over some guy.

A guy who doesn’t want her based on the amount of time that he’s spent calling yours truly.

A guy that Ren doesn’t want because um…he’s a Lansing nigga. Y’all know how I feel about Lansing niggas. Besides that, his game is like Checkers. I’m a Grand Wizard at Chess compared to that shxt so the game is already over.

Ugh.

Jesus be an electric fence around this silly dog faced trick.

Anywho, I’m just about done wit’ this one, let me throw on these tracks of the day and be out until the next post.

First up, we have an oldie but goodie from my childhood. “The Color of Music” by Color Me Badd off of the Mickey Unrapped CD. Google it, don’t feel like linkin’ y’all. I won’t enable your laziness all the time. Sheesh.

the other one is “Chocolate” ft. Emmanuel Kerry by the boys of DeepSpace.

Big ups to Doctor Dell—lmaoo—for turnin’ me on to them.

On that note, I’m gone.

♥

Jesus Christ Had Dreads So Shake ‘Em

My mom told me that this title was sacrilegious. Seeing as I haven’t been hit by a lighting bolt from On High as of press time I’m gonna have to say that God didn’t agree with mom’s judgment. However, if God should “Tell Me When to Go” and call me home after I push the publish button on Windows Live Writer, I’m gonna ask that you make sure I’m buried wit’ stunna shades on and a grill gleamin’ in my mouth. Also, on the way to the cemetery the hearse should have the doors open so my funeral procession can watch ‘em swang. It’s only right mayne.

♥

I swear fo’ BOB people stay on my gotdang nerves. Ugh. Anyway…

Hey y’all, what it is, what it look like and/or be like and what’s good with all of you non-blog commenting blog readers? How be thee knaves, paupers, princes, princesses who look like princes, the wish you could be royalty and all others I’m far too lazy to name I forgot to mention? Hope all is good in your respective hoods.

How am I?

I’m type “Eh…” right now. Ya girl is currently sittin’ at the bus station with a sharp object—a needle sharp pocket knife that I keep in the pocket of my jacket—in close range, my Skull Candy Lowrider headphones around my neck blastin’ Darren Hanible's “Mite Not Be” off of his [ stellar and better than a lot of ish out right now ]

mixtape

Bliss

I know you see the 36 point underlined Scriptina font y’all. It is honestly that deep right now. Bliss has been in rotation in my main mp3 player—like I said before, I’m ballin’ enough to have two. Gon’ head and hate, it’ll make you feel better about yourself—since I unzipped the files after lil bro insisted that I download this tape. Lil one stays givin’ me good music, just don’t tell him I said that or else he’ll get all cocky and shxt. If he get’s cocky I’ll have no choice but to be the one to bring his punk ass back down to earth with a few well aimed and oh so very insulting barbs aimed at his overly inflated ego. That’s just the kind of big sis I am.

Other than that, there’s this guy all in my ear tryin’ to spit his game but there are a few problems wit’ this:
1) I don’t date Lansing boys, reason being I know exactly how these niggas operate and while I’m a master of the juvenile games that they play, I don’t have the time nor the patience to do so.The last time that I was seriously involved wit’ a Lansing boy, he hit me and I ended up Chris Brown-ing him, resulting in a broken nose and bruised pride for him and charges almost being pressed on me.
I’m far too cute for jail.

2) He’s cute but…damn, if I had a tic-tac I’d forcefully offer it to him. And when I say forcefully, I mean grab him by the throat, pour in the whole box of tic-tacs, half a bottle of Listerine and a quarter tube of Crest Whitening toothpaste in his mouth and make him swallow not once, not twice but three times.

3) He also smells like gym socks, Axe body-spray (and FYI Intelligent *side eye* Marketing Company People Persons Dudes Sirs and/or Madams that work for Axe and it’s parent company idontwearthatshxtsoidontcarewhoitsownedby—1 word—this shxt does not drive the ladies crazy. Stop wit’ the false advertising already) week old celery and peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Ew.

4) Did I forget to mention that he slept with three of my associates and these bxtches—I call them that because we ain’t cool like that. Just sayin’.—were fighting over him? Oh. I did? Well then, now ya know.
Anyway, I’m done wit this one, I’m about to throw up my tracks of the day and be out. The first one is that Darren Hanible joint

and then my new theme song from one of my other industry husbands

 Bryan Ellis

“Miss Mad at the World”

Deep inside, underneath it’s a front I can see, you’re just a different kind of girl…

Miss Mad at the World

♥

What Kind of Fxckery?

So it’s like this:
I had intended to shoot and upload a video of my own tonight but I couldn’t calm down enough to do so, so I give you the shxt that you’ll see below

What in the name of unlimited nationwide calling is this shit?

Better question:

Why is this shxt?

 

I will be damned if some stupid ass teenager twerks on my gravesite. My soul will come back from loungin’ pool side wit’ Tupac at Thugz Mansion and haunt them quicker than you can ask “where the eff are their parents at?”

Am I the only one that wished that the midnight hour was close at hand as darkness fell across the land and that creatures crawling in search of blood came to terrorize these heffas instead of your neighborhood? Sure, they got the soul for gettin’ down, but they’re doin’ it on peoples graves. Send the hounds of Hell after ‘em or the foulest stench of the funk of 40,000 years, some zombies and werewolf in a red patent leather jacket or somethin’ somebody. These bxtches got me tight smh.

I won’t even talk about the Twerkage that’s occuring outside of what looks to be a McDonalds in whatever city they’re in but I will touch on this because seein’ this ish irks the eff outta me:
I hate when bxtches mix seasons. Either you’re gonna be hot enough to wear shorts or your cold enough to need boots and a winter-type jacket. Don’t wear that shxt at the same time. That’s not cute.

Yung…was that a dude twerkin’ wit’ ‘em? A’ight, I see you Sissy Nobby 1.8

These folx have upset my soul enough on this night. I’m goin’ to bed to dream a dream of a land in which shxt like this doesn’t happen, get filmed and one in which this fxckery doesn’t end up on these interwebnets.

—LauRenxExCarter

 

♥

My Brain is Leaking Out of My Mouth and it Tastes Like Knowledge

Hey, hey, hey humans, how’s it hangin’?

Besides bein’ dope for the alliterative skills that I just allowed y’all to get a glimpse of, I’m pretty chill right now. Bored outta my mind sittin’ in Positive Psychology tryin’ not to dose off, but chill nonetheless.

I forgot to bring it up in my last post but if you’re lurker  regular to the blog you’ll notice the new look and feel of my ish. Ya like it right? Yeah, I know, it’s sexy right? Kinda like the blog owner…eff it. Just like the blog owner and liver of this (Infamous) Life.

lol, let me stop bein’ cocky.

But yeah, enjoy the new template and it’s new features. Interact wit’ the kid by using the tab over to the left of the screen that says “tweets”. Of course; you have to be on Twitter to do so but uh…who isn’t these days? If memory serves me correctly, even my 76 year old Nana is on Twitter so…yerp. If you haven’t done so already, feel free to head over to the “Don’t be shy, I don’t bite” icon and click each of the three icons to visit, follow and request me on the various social networks that I frequent. Well, that I belong to. I don’t frequent MySpace anymore. Nobody does.

Sorry Tom.

The new look of the blog is just the beginning of the newness that y’all can expect from ya girl. There will be more blogs and hopefully when I get ish in my life settled down you’ll get an (almost) daily dose of infamy. You can also expect to see more entries like my "I Am…LauRen Elizabeth”  and “To the one who may get away” posts. In fact, you’ll see a lot of the latter next month…The first 23 days of November are gonna be…

*cough*

we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it though.

There will also be more music and since I’m on the subject, let me throw on my

Track of the Day

then get ready to dip up outta this class because that heffa wit’ the facemask is coughing up her lower intestine and I have a very strong suspicion that her ass is the main reason I was sick last week.

The track is called
”You May Never Know”

And I’m pretty sure that it’s a demo for a female artist but it was written and performed by (my industry husband) Johnta Austin.

Listen to the lyrics and feel free to download

Enjoy

--LauRenxExCarter

♥

Update:
I showed the post title to my little sister not too long ago and she looked at me with her evil little eyebrows and as I write this now she’s behind me lookin’ all menacing and ish. She’s dang near drippin’ her mint ice cream down the back of my neck right now because she wants me to make sure that I give her credit for the post title. Evil little self said that she was gonna sue me if I didn’t

*rolls eyes*

So there you go, this post title is the doing of my little sister. To see her in those good ol’ days back before she could talk, check this out

Eff You See Kay Why Oh You Tee Oh Oh

(>_<)

I am not in a good mood right now.

But before we get into all of that,guess what? It’s random picture of Ren time! You don’t like it? Tough titty said the kitty and I’ll have to say after while crocodile as I insist that you Alt+F4 off of my ish right…now.

Now that that’s out the way, what it is princes, paupers, common folk and all those sleeping on their moms couch? How art thou on what’s a cold, rainy day here in the cap city of that bustling industrious center of a state Michigan?

Ah, picked up on the sarcasm did you? Good, here’s a cookie and a gold star…not.

As I said, I am not in the mood. You see, I’ve got chills and yes, they’re multiplyin’ [I just told you about it…stud] and while I’m pretty sure the power you’re supplyin’ isn’t anything near electrifying, I’ve got a fever of 101.5 right now. Add that to the fact that the sound of the rain against my window pane is quickly driving me insane as I lay here in bed, it’s safe to say that Ren is not a happy camper. Think Camp Granada unhappy camper and I don’t feel like linkin’ y’all to it so if you don’t know what I mean, I suggest that you Google it.

Anyway, I’m lettin’ my not in the moodness—it wasn’t a word but it is now—fuel the fires of mine imagination as I get into this one.

♥

And that whole not caring about if it’s reckless or not thing? Yeah, that’s real. I honestly don’t give a gotdamn, a fanga in the middle, a stick of celery or a jar of Ampro Styling Gel—Berry Ice cuz that’s how I roll—if going in in the fashion in which I’m about to go in is reckless or not.

Who gon’ check me boo?

*crickets sound as a tumbleweed rolls across your screen*
Yerp, that’s what I thought; nobody and if there was someone brave enough to try to check me it deffy ain’t you and not this fool either.

So, if you’re a reader, a lurker or follower of mine (Infamous) Life and Times, you may remember a few posts back when I posted "If Ignorance is Bliss; You Must Be the Happiest Person I Know". If you’re none of the above or didn’t happen to see the blog, look, I linked it for ya so you have no excuse for not reading it now. Busters. Anywho, I posted the comment that I left on my big bro Torkalina the Rebelina’s  blog where I pretty effectively summed up the situation and responded to this whack ass dis track

Yeah, I know. He totally bodied the track and made Tork and the rest of The Rebels wanna give up rap and stick to their respective day jobs right?

[-__________-]

Yeah…no. Deffy didn’t.

Like I said last time, Dee Woodz took it upon himself to respond and show Senor Sanrio how a proper dis track is supposed to sound

This is what he lyrically did to Senor Don Gato

 

Now, had Mister Kitty even a modicum of common sense about himself, he would’ve given up an let that be the end of things, but alas, that’s not the case. If it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here talkin’ about him now would I?

After taking some time to lick his wounds, HK “fired back”—*side eye*—by posting this to his blog:

Sorry, for the late post on the music people....I had other projects to do. But here yall go, some new ish in response to Dee Woodz diss to me....My question is when is Torkatonka gonna respond back??? I thought son was a rapper???? No better yet I thought he was A REBEL, lol.

and posted an “Ether” dis…

But this nigga fxcked up and called the shxt “Either”

*rolls eyes*

A few things…

1) Both Nas and Ron Brownz should slap the shit out of you for talking shit over such an iconic beat. When you use “Ether”, you’re supposed to body the track, not sit there and be what you think is funny and/or witty by making stupid comparisons. Torkaveli may sound like Machiavelli and Magnum Dollars may be equated to Reed Dollaz in your poor dazed and oh so very confused mind but let’s take a look at your name shall we? It’s an amalgam—which when used in this context is a mixture in case you weren’t in the know—of famous rappers names isn’t it Shawnjay?

2) Regardless of you and your quote unquote high ego dude, you’re obviously offended so don’t try to front and act like you aren’t. If you weren’t offended, you wouldn’t keep comin’ out wit’ dis after dis now would you?

3) “DMV Rebel? Hmm…Hell no”

He said it. Not me.

*shrugs*

4) I see where he was tryin’ to go wit’ his wrestling and MMA references; however, let’s not forget that it does’t take much to knock out Kimbo Slice. And lyrically son? Yeah, you don’t bring much to the table so I’ma have to ask that you let that marinate in your spirit for the next time. But um…let Mag ad-lib on a track and he’s Seth Petruzelli’d you

5) How the hell do you hawk an effeminate sounding loughie?

6) Why is it a problem that his voice has too much bass? And I’m pretty sure that he’d rather sound like Serius Jones than you.

7) The track is 2:20. He “rapped” for about 45 seconds. Um…step ya bars up.

8) The Rebels didn’t ask for him to dis them. Then again, this isn’t a dis.

I’m done.

♥

Hmmm; I wonder:

What do you think the odds of him comin’ at me sideways are if he happens to see this?

What do you think the odds of me not givin’ a fxck and responding in turn are?

It’s pretty much a sure bet right?

*sigh*

Forgive me; I’m just talkin’ my shxt again.

lol

--LauRenxExCarter

 

Ooh, He So…Artistic [?] Is That the Word I’m Lookin’ For?

*sigh*

I’m still not done wit’ my paper so this one shall be short. Don’t let your eyes or brain rejoice just yet though, I do have somethin’ for y’all to get into.

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye…

What the FXCK is this ish?

Let me finish this paper and maybe, just maybe I’ll have the words for this fxckery later on.

♥

I Feel…”Ranty” Today. Deal Wit’ It. Bxtches

Man…Twitter is the shxt!

I meet some of the coolest, most almost as awesome as me people ever on there.

How ya doin’ reader, lurkers, stalkers and people that report what you read on my blog to the fam tryin’ to snitch me out like I’m 16 fxckin’ years old again? How art thou respective lives?

As of now I’m pretty good. Laid back on the couch, watchin’ Phineas and Ferb—hate not—and thinkin’ up a master plan…and the end to the paper that I have to write for Cultural Anthropology. So, while I’m gathering my thoughts on Language and if it’s accurate to say that it’s a distinguishing feature of humans, I’m gonna post a note that my gurlie Zuri tagged me in on FaceBook.

[I added the badge for a reason. Request me]

Y’all don’t leave me comments but I wonder if you’ll leave some after you read what Zuri has to say.

Let’s get into it.

BTW: I’m the one emphasizing ish w/the bold italicized text. Not Zuri lol.

♥

Why are men the most complicated, confused creatures on the planet?

Is that why God made them first?

Did he know that it would be the most extraordinarily difficult thing he ever did, so he just wanted to knock them off before he did anything else?

Or did it really take him 6 days to make them and he was just faking the funk saying he was making plants and heavens and land?

You know, creating the AMBIANCE. Bull-ish! He was thinking, “What in the Heavens hast thou created!” No wonder he had to retire on the 7th day! Homeboy was tired! Well so am I! FedUp is more like it.
Why do men think they can do whatever the hell they want, to whatever the hell they feel like it and believe woman should just deal with it? Did the airing of “Coming to America” allow more men to adopt the notion that women should respond to any question as “Whatever you like my King. Ever since the day I was born I was trained to serve you!” Well you can put that lump of bullshit back on Sally’s hide and she can ride Sally ride back home to Zamunda.
Why is it that we have to deal with sanguinal horror and uterine contractions every month, but THEY are the one’s PMS’in? What gives them the right to have attitude or mood swings? They get to squirt their X and Y’s up our birth canal, while we get to throw up, get fat and file for child support? We get stuck, while they keep it moving.
*sigh*

deep breathes .... deep breathes
We call…they have attitude. We say eff it…dont call…you call…”Why I aint heard from you?”

WTF MOFO!

Why haven’t you heard from us? See what exactly does that mean? When we made ourselves heard, they weren’t trying to hear ish that we were saying! So instead of them HEARING US, we decided to make you LISTEN! The only way they LISTEN, is when they hear SILENCE.
Silence is GOLDEN!
So when they dont hear sh*t, then they start wondering who we could be talking to. Well, if they would have checked, we was in the same place, same time, not saying sh*t, waiting to be heard. The only way to be heard is to make them listen to us not say shit!
Yall HEAR what we saying?
So when they get out of line, just dont say anything. Because as soon as they dont hear you they gonna wonder who you are talking to and no they wont call, they will be right at your door sniffin, lookin all crazy and acting a got damn fool.
SILENCE IS POWER!
Zuri =)

♥

Oh yes. She took it there. Whatchu gon’ do about?

lol

—LauRenxExCarter

On This Day I Become Legendary…

*happy sigh*

What the eff is up first time visitors and long time lurkers of mine (infamous) life and times? How be thee knaves, princes, paupers and all around common folk? If you couldn’t tell or were to….

What’s the nice word for “stupid” that I’m lookin’ for? Dense? Yeah, that’ll work.

If you were too dense to pick up on it, Ren is currently in a great mood.

Yeah, sure I’m sitting in Positive Psychology cold as hell because some genius that works for the school decided that it would be a brilliant idea to turn the air conditioning on knowing good and gotdamn well that we live in Michigan and having the air on after August can result in death. And yeah, alright, that loud ass female who I can’t stand showed up to class in a face mask and I’ve been throwin’ medicated side-eyes at her hopin’ and prayin’ that she doesn’t have the swine flu cuz I don’t wanna come down wit’ a case of the oinks. And yes, I decided to wear my hair like this

 

Which is apparently the old mans hairstyle of choice considering all the skeevy old men who tried to push up on me when I hit main campus smh.

Regardless of all that dumb shxt, I am in a fan-frickin’-tabulousy awesome mood right now.

My meeting earlier went great. Better than great. Twas amazing actually. Every day and in every way I’m gettin’ “Closer to My Dreams”  and it feels so effin’ good jo. I’m on the brink of doin’ somethin’ that I’ve dreamt of doin’ ever since I read Marc Brown’s Pickle Things out loud to my class in first grade and…wow. All I can say right now on that is wow.

For the first time since May 11th 2009—one of the best days in the herstory of mine life—I’m truly happy…and the screen shot says it all

Ren is in such a good mood right now that she—I?—was even more positive than I usually am and yes, despite the goings on that you read about in these, my life and times, I am a positive individual. I have both kind and individual words that I use on a regular basis. Here’s a little example:

I was playing around on the Social Interview app on FaceBook earlier and the last question that I was asked was

If the whole world were listening, what would you say?

To which I answered:

Ha, like that'll ever happen. Nobody listens anymore, but on the WAY off chance that I did get the whole world to listen to what I have to say, I'd say:

"Life isn't all about the pursuit or the end goals that you may have. It's about enjoying the journey and being grateful, and lets not forget THANKFUL for the things you have and the people that you were blessed enough to meet along the way. Always remember who you are and never let "them" tell you who you should be. Your life is yours for a reason. Live it and be happy."

That's IF they all decided to listen tho

*shrugs*

Of course, since people aren’t used to the positive Ren, I’ve been getting shxt like this all day

 

But eff ‘em.

lol.

I’m cuttin’ this one short, be glad and rejoice in the fact that I’ve given you less than 1,000 words to read this time around. I’m about to dip out of Positive Psychology early.

Shh. Don’t tell my professor.

♥

I’ve Been Gone For a Minute Now I’m Back Wit’ The Whaa?

Sorry, I was listening to "Jump Off" by Lil Kim and the face from the milk carton Mr. Cheeks when I thought up the title. Not that I’m tryin’ to explain myself to y’all. Who be ye knaves to me?

Twas a joke! Sheesh…

lol.

So anyway, I finally ended up shooting that video that I’ve been talkin’ about shooting for the longest. Actually, I’ve shot videos, tons of them in fact. I just haven’t uploaded any of them because I didn’t like the way that they turned out. But that’s neither here nor there at the moment.

Um…before I post the vid—because I know that no one is gonna want to read anything after they see my 8 minutes of nonsense lol—here’s the scoop on the weekly update. Which none of y’all knew anything about.

Until now.

Well, I go over it in the video briefly, but here’s the topics for last week:

I Sent Side-Eyes to the Sanctified Saturday Night Sinners and Sunday Morning Worshippers

Monday Meetings and Malarkey

Tuesday Temptations

Whacktastically Whack Whackness on Wednesday

A Thoroughly “eh” Thursday

A Fantastic End to a Fxcked Up Week Gets Fxcked Up By Foolishness on Friday

From the titles to mine days alone, tell me that wouldn’t be shxts and giggles for anyone over the age of 18 unless accompanied by a responsible adult. However, like I sad in the video. Y’all know how I write. Saturday night and Sunday morning alone were 4 hand written pages before I decided to stop and by the way? My hand writing isn’t big either. Just imagine the strain on your eyes and my fingers if I had decided to write out the whole week.

*shudders*

Um…anything else I wanna say before I post this vid and leave for mine meeting? Uh…

Oh yeah.

Be sure to check out Cam&&Essence. I haven’t updated their site in a while, but click the linkage and go check it out anyway. I myself think that it’s a pretty good read, but y’know…

I wrote it.

lol.

Alright, I’ve stalled long enough, let me post this video then vacate these premises

Isn’t my hair cute?

Oh…you don’t think so?

┌П┐(>_<)┌П┐

Just playin’ lol.

I’ll upload to You-Tube later. Maybe. Or I’ll just shoot a completely different one and delete this one

*shrugs*

I’m out.

Sox and Naked Flix Don’t Mix

I said that I needed to come up with some new, fresh and fun ways to start off these posts, but guess what? I haven’t come up with anything just yet so…

How be thee knaves; what it is, what’s crackin’, poppin’ and all those other sounds that you should probably go to a doctor to get checked out?
Ren is…well, Ren is how she usually is.

Or is it how I usually am? Hmm; I wonder, I wonder…

Anywho, I’m marginally cute if you squint with your left eye and blink rapidly with your right; cold as shxt in this damn house; missing Him by more than a little bit and bored by a lot multiplied by six, divided by four and added to three.

Yerp, it’s that deep right now.

So, as is my normal fashion when I’m so bored that I can make an almost logical equation with it, I’m writing. Yay. Forgive me if I don’t sound all hype and excited right now. The time is currently 12:50 AM on this, the 14th anniversary of my little sister Boogie’s life and I just can’t be bothered wit’ the hype excitedness right now. Not that the time matters or anything like that, I’m just not feelin’ it tonight.

:[

No matter,the show must go on and go on it will.

♥

I know that I’m about to put myself on blast with this one but a few things:

1) I don’t give a chipped black nail polished—shut up, I’ll repaint my nails later—fanga in the middle about what you have to say at this moment. This blog is The Life and Times of (The Infamous) Mz. Ren where the infamy ensues on a not so regular basis. This is NOT The Life and Times of (The Totally Not This Damn Cool) Person Who’s Not Ren So No One Really Gives A Gotdang Anyway. Sorry to break it to ya. The only way that I’ll care about what y’all have to say is you start droppin’ me blog comments but since that’ll probably never happen…

*intergalactic side eye from the biggest crater on the moon*

2) I’m old enough to talk about what the eff I’m about to talk about. Whatchu gon’ do, snitch me out to mi madre?

3) At least I’m honest enough to admit to it unlike some of y’all

*pointed side eye then eye roll*

So, I said that to say this:

Ren watches porn.

Like…more than not a lot of it.

*Kanye Shrug*

To be clear, I’m not participating in any of the goings on. In fact, I’m a card carrying virgin—I know, y’all probably didn’t think they made us anymore. Me equals the last of a dying breed.—who deffy isn’t thinkin’ about givin’ the bidness to any of the guys that live around here.

I don’t do or date Lansing boys as I know far too many of the niggas and know exactly how they think and talk. I don’t have the patience for that shxt and I'll be damned like a Republican’s soul to the deepest, darkest, hottest pit of hell if I lose my virginity to some nigga that's gon’ tell erryone. That ain’t the biz and it deffy ain’t gon’ work for me.

Damn, let me get back on track wit’ this one.

While I’m not having sex or any sexual contact outside of with myself [I joke with you…*cough* lol jp] I do watch others participate in sextracurricular activities on film. Why?
Um…because I can. Plus I watch to pick up techniques and positions.

Don’t front like you don’t have things in your mental rolodex of sexual positions that you wanna try because I sure as hell won’t lie to y’all.

Like I said a few run-on sentences ago, I watch more than not a lot of porn. During my perusal of adult entertainment, I’ve witnessed a lot of shxt that’s irked me and now I bring you

Ren’s

[Shortish Because She’s Dumb Tired Right Now]

List of Shxt She Hates to See and/or Just Doesn’t Understand in

Porn

1) Bad Weave and Ugly Hair in General

Now I know that I should be concentratin’ on the fxckin’ that’s goin’ down and on some level I am, but seeing fxcked up tracks and bad hair is distracting. One of my guy friends sent me a link to some flick a month or so back and I couldn’t even get into the movie. Wholetime—1 word like my DC boys do—I was watchin’ I was thinkin’ to myself

“This bxtch’s weave and hairline start at her damn ears. Double you tea eff is that ish?”

2) Excessive Amounts of Oil Bein’ Poured Over Some Ho’s Ass

I really need someone to explain to me what the fxck is so damn appealing about a lavender baby oil scented and slicked ass because I for one don’t get that shxt at all. Sure, for the anal scenes you’re gonna—hopefully—need lube which the oil is perfect for but to continue to pour oil on some chick long after the anal part of the scene is doin’ the damn most.

Speaking of doin’ the most with oil, these people so damn extra with the way that they apply it.

In a water can son?

Really?

In a water gun?

Word?

[-__-]

Get on my damn nerves smh.

3) Socks

I effing hate to see socks in porn. Shoes too. Deffy hate to see shoes and socks at the same damn time.

Not sure why but that annoys the hell outta me!

4) Random Ass Articles of Clothing

I look at it like this: If you have the majority of your clothes off, take all of them off dammit! Leaving on a little half shirt while you’re pullin’ a reverse cowgirl on the very well endowed man you happen to be fxcking on camera will not make for a better money shot. Y’kno, just to put that out there.

5) Unattractive Moans

Yeah…you know how I briefly touched on number 88 on my list of things that make me unique and ergo better than you’ll ever be list? Um…yerp, not gon’ go into that just yet, but just think about that whole

I got a way wit’ words that has left more than a few people gasping for air and speechless

thing and thing about this particular entry on the list.

Ugly moans are off putting as shxt. Someone sent me this clip of a deaf chick who wanted to be a porn star and if you sound anything like her, you should pack it the eff up now.

Fake moans are off putting as shxt too. Look bxtch, the nigga ain’t even touchin’ you, but here you are moanin’ like you’re in the very throws of ecstasy. Shut that ish up.

♥

A’ight, that’s it for now.

Please believe that I’m not done wit’ this list, but to borrow some slang from mine DC people:
”I’m ji tired jo”

so at 3:46 AM I’m callin’ it a night.

If I Was Half the Bxtch I Have the Potential to Be…

I’d name this post somethin’ rude as hell and write

“WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO”

italicized and bolded in 36 point pink font [in case you were wondering, this WGCMB is written italicized and bolded in 18 point font] then proceed to sit here and type up a few ridiculous ass lies, hit publish on Windows Live Writer and call it a blog.

But I’m no Sandra Rose and if you think that I’m taking a shot at her you may:
A) Be right

B) Be wrong

C) Be tryin’ to start shit

or

D) All of the above

Like I said before,  persuasive as I am, I can’t convince you of something that you don’t wanna believe no matter how hard I try so if you think that I’m takin’ a shot at this woman then so be it. It is what it is and life’s what you make it so lets make it rock.

*shrugs and sighs*

I should probably calm myself down but guess what? Me no wanna so me wont. Me shall also continue to say “me” in place of “I” when I chose to because I enjoy doing things mine way and being difficult is the way to go. Ask anybody who knows or even thinks that they know me. This is my modus operandi. Don’t like it? You can do a few things:

1) You can go and choke on a Hammond cheese sandwich—word to Reina Violeta and she knows why—for thinking that I give a soy sauce packet about what you like. The time for that has passed homies and ho’s.

2) ALT + F4 off my ish right…now.

3) Don’t ever come back again.

But that’s only if you don’t  like it. If you happen to enjoy my brand of off, abrasively cute and just a tad bit charming weird humor then please, feel free to take off ya shoes and relax ya feet and know that I appreciate your hits to my blog.

No really…I’m bein’ serious.

I appreciate y’all that take the time out to read the randomness that is my Infamous Life and Times. Sure, it’d be nice to have people comment my ish every once and a while *wink wink nudge nudge* but it is what it is and it for dang sure ain’t a requirement.

There’s a part of me that wants to tell you, whoever you are that happens to stumble across the blog, that I do this for y’all but that mine friends and enemies is a lie. I do inform y’all that I do this for…me.

Saying the ish that I say on my blog? Displaying my not so random moments of “I don’t give a fxck and I don’t care if you like it or not” and all that? Yeah. This is like cheap therapy for me lol.

As a chronic sufferer of Whatthefxckisthisilitis—a disease that affects one’s sanity, making them want to choke someone out (no not literally, what do you take me for? Eff) for even the smallest of ignorant offenses. Often occurs in those that are exposed to any amount of recklessness for long periods of time—my blog is just what the doctor prescribed.

Where the eff this whole blog came from I don’t even know, wasn’t tryin’ to post another entry, this is like…what, number five this week? Maybe six?

*shrugs*
I need to work on my boredom.

And on getting the eff away from my computer; I’m on this bxtch far too much with the whole workin’ and school thing smh.

♥

If Ignorance Is Bliss; You Must Be the Happiest Person I Know [Updated!]

I wonder how many people are gonna think that this title is about them, get pissed off and decide not to read? Hmm…

*rolls eyes*

Oh well. If you wish to believe that I’m sitting here blogging about and taking shots at you while I'm freezing my marginally cute ass off then please sir and/or madam, go right ahead. Persuasive as I am, I can’t convince you of something that you don’t wanna believe no matter how hard I try so if you think that I’m takin’ a shot at you, do what ya does and keep it movin’.

*shrugs*

Anyway, what it is, what it look like and damn if I don’t need to think up some other stereotypical nonsense to greet y’all with. That’s gettin’ old. How is everyone doin’ today?
Well, depending on the answer that I hope you didn’t say out loud seeing as this is a blog post and I’m not technically talking to you:
”That’s good”

or

“That’s too bad, hope it gets better for ya.”

As for how I’m doin’ on this marvelously cold inside of my house type of day, consider my mood to be:
”meh”

I’ve got a whole chorus line of people in hooker heels doin’ the Chicken Head, A-Town Stomp and The Hustle on my last good nerve and once more, if I were to say shxt I’d be the one in the wrong. Which makes absolutely no sense to Ren seeing as everybody, they momma and their brothers baby-momma’s next door neighbors drug dealers girl on the side will be quick to tell me that I’m doin’ somethin’ to piss them off. But no matter. On to the blog.

♥

Along with H1N1 and the common cold, stupidity is in the air this season. Get ya face masks bxtches, you don’t wanna catch any of those! Especially not the stupidity. They’ll be able to come up with a cure for the cold before they come up with a cure for that shxt.

lol.

In all seriousness though, there do seem to be a lot of ignorant and stupid people out and about on these interwebnets and guess what? Not only do I have screen caps to prove it but I have commentary too.

Yay!!

I was on FaceBook last night answering my messages and tryin’ to ensure that my lil sis Tweek didn’t beat my score at Plock when I witnessed and got involved in the fxckery pictured below.

By the way, you may have to click on the image to read it all, may be just a smidgeon too wide and wont fit in the margins.

 Be a man and run the relationship

What.

The.

FUCK.

As you can clearly see, I had somethin’ to say on that mess but then my Twitter Hubby went and acted an ass by saying what he said.

Now, y’all know me. I couldn’t let what he said be the end of it so here’s the rest of the convo.

I know I am. Hmph.

Oh yeah, he also sent me this.

The face I sent says it all.

*rolls eyes*
I also had a super long straight faced moment when I heard this “dis track” aimed at my big bro and the Rebels.

I commented on the blog and said what the hell I had to say on that, but guess what? I’m in the mood to take screen shots so here we go:

Is this me tryin’ to get involved in some DMV beef?

Nah, not really.

Is this me using someone’s stupidity as an outlet to work off some of my frustrations since if I were to call someone out on their bullshxt I’d get told off and I don’t have the time nor the patience for jail because that’s where I’d end up for strangling said persons?
Yerp.

lol.

Well, that’s it for now, someone just got online that I really wanna talk to but at the same time I don’t because…

*sigh*

I miss us.

♥

 Editors Bloggers Note:

Now, I’m not the one to start ish…but I will instigate the hell out of a situation keep y’all updated on this “Hello Kitty” [Their name for him, not mine]  vs. The Rebels ish.

Dee Woodz of The Rebels issued a "Quick Response" to Senor Sanrio and this pretty much says it all

What These Niggas Want From Me? [*DMX Voice*] Somebody Let Me Know

Tell me what they want from me

Because I sure as hell don’t know anymore smh.
*waves  in an aggravated but cute manor seeing as I’m Ren and even when I’m aggy I’m cute with it*
What’s crack-a-lackin’, poppin’ and gyratin’ everyone and before you can try to say something about my greeting let me stop you right damn now. Ren honestly does not give a gotdamn nor a fanga in the middle about your thoughts on the way that I started this blog post. You aren’t an editor—and if you are you aren’t mine so suck on a big toe—and this is not a book that I’m trying to sell. This mine good sirs and madams is a blog post and cheap therapy for yours truly.

Now that that’s out the way, I really do need a bit of help right now and the sad thing is that I’m not even sure what the eff I did to need it!

I was “told” that my “apology” was “too late” and I’m gonna stop before I go “quotation mark crazy”.

Real shxt though; I’m confused right now as in majorly…

I hate having people mad at me and I hate not knowing how to fix it. I’m tryin’ to figure out what it is that I did or said—yes, I care that much about this—to have this person mad at me, and I’m consistently drawin’ a blank.
Da fxck did I do?
UGH!

See.

This is why I act like I don’t care about shxt. I try to clean up the mess that I’ve apparently made and I get nothing.

Wish someone would tell me what the hell I did wrong.

*sigh*

I’ll be back to my normal posts soon everyone. Found this guy who’s mixtape was so bad that it was sentenced to death by microwave by my lil bro and I may shoot a video later. It’s been a while since I’ve sat and gotten relatively random on cam for 4-7 minutes.

New video comin’ soon.

♥

Now Usually I Don’t Do This But Um

*aggravated and super annoyed sigh as I grit my teeth and write*
This is not something that I do on the reggy and the chances of me doing so again are slim to helldafxcknaw so please, relish this moment as it may not happen again in your lifetime. Without further ado:
If I have ever offended you, on purpose or otherwise, made you mad—again, on purpose or otherwise—or done something to make you feel as though I was attacking you—once more, on purpose or otherwise—this is my apology.

I act as though I don’t give a fxck about people or their feelings—and on some level I don’t. Just because I apologized doesn’t mean that I’m gon’ lie to y’all—but I honestly do. Ask anyone who really knows Ren; I care about people.

A lot.

So, here it is. My blanket apology.
I can guarandamntee that I’ll do something to piss you off—I’m Ren. It’s part of my charm—but when I do, just refer back to this.

Unless it’s necessary, I won’t be doin’ this ish again. Lucky that y’all got this.

*shrugs*

Ain't Nobody Mad But The Devil...and Me

Hey y’all, how’s everyone feelin’ on what’s a cold ass Monday here in the cap city of the driest state in the whole of the U. S. of A. Michigan? Really? Is that so?

Yeah…forgive me if I don’t care.

*shrugs*

lol, I joke guys and gals, sheesh. Seems like niggas and bxtches—I call you that as I’m too lazy to find out all of your names—are offended far too easily these days. Lighten up folx, damn! I’m not sayin’ not to take life seriously, you should because it’s life but I’m sayin’, there should be a healthy dose of humor injected into your lives. Some of y’all are gon’ hate me for sayin’ this but um…

Life’s a joke and it’s on you

live and laugh it up while you can

the punch-line is a killer

Yerp. I said it.

ANYWAY, I’m gettin’ more than a little annoyed with people. As a matter of fact, as I sit here, freezin’ my ass off and losing my voice at the same damn time, I’m gettin’ straight pissed off. People—as in plural. If you’re reading this and think it’s all about you it’s not. You aren’t the only person to piss me off sir/madam/bxtch/nigga umskay?—have located my last nerve, put on a pair of 7 inch lucite heels and started doin’ the A-Town stomp all over that bxtch.

There’s a part of me that want to believe that they aren’t doin’ it on purpose; I try to see the best in people. But then I look back over our combined histories and realize:

these muddasuckas are doin’ the shxt on purpose!

They gotta be y’all.

Now, a quick question before I go and make myself a cup of tea for this aggy ass throat:

why is it that when I do the same shxt that they’re doin’ to me, I’m immature and should know better?

Yeah, okay, even I can admit that it’s immature when I do it and blah-blah-blah, I should know better. What I’m tryin’ to get at is that if I should know better, THEY should deffy know better.

I’m tired of people comin’ at me fifteen different types of reckless because I do somethin’ that they don’t like after they do somethin’ that I hate.

I bite my tongue on the reggy because believe it or not, I don’t have the time nor the patience necessary to sit and deal with someone and their attitude because believe you me, mine is enough of a hassle. But when I let loose mine tongue—that sounded hella weird. Ew.—and say what’s on my mind, people wanna get all offended and shxt then start takin’ shots and then I’ll shoot back and yeah…

It’s a bad scene.

I’m done wit’ this ish for the moment, I’m gettin’ annoyed again and I don’t have the time for that. Today is gon’ be a good day regardless of the people that are on my nerves. Had a meeting earlier and things are really lookin’ up for ya girl. Don’t wanna chance it so I’m not gonna say anything about it but like I said, today’s gonna be a good day.

Anything else before I go?

Oh…

It does suck that you couldn’t wait til November. I was really lookin’ forward to that.

*shrugs*

It is what it is I guess.

*kicks rocks because I don’t like it*

lol.

♥

My Booty Makes Him Go “Argh!” Like a Pirate

*sigh*

What it is, what it look and/or be like y’all; how ya livin’ and all that other ish that I could and just might say if the spirit moves me.  How have you all been?
Not that I get any feedback from most of y’all

*intergalactic side-eye from the fourth ring of Saturn*

But hey, at mine core I am a very nice individual who can fake and act as though I really care about how y’all are doin’. That’s number 87 on my “Number of Infinite Things That Make Ren Unique Ergo Better Than You’ll Ever Be So Feel Free to Sit There, Hate and Wish That You Were Born This Damn Awesome” list. Number 86 is the fact that I don’t need to rely on makeup like some of y’all females who need to get your faces beat by MAC every morning before you face the world. As for number 88? Yeah…

*giggles maliciously from behind hand*
I got a way wit’ words that has left more than a few people gasping for air and speechless. That’s all you need to know until I feel the need to divulge that particular unique thing to these interwebnets—word to my lil bro who got me sayin’ that ish. Anywho…

[I was jokin' by the way everyone, I do care about y'all. Sheesh.]

I’m mad at some of y’all buttfacedlosertards—one word—for jumping to conclusions about my last post. Why is it that when I take a few minutes out of mine life to sit and be serious for once I’m emo, suicidal or some combination of the two? I’m not all about talkin’ my shit and/or bein’ goofy all the time y’know; I am a multi-faceted individual thank you kindly. Just because I post rather hilarious blogs—this is my opinion at least. You don’t have to agree with me but if you don’t, really, why the eff are you still reading my ish?—and talk my shit about people in said blogs on the reggy doesn’t mean that those will be all that I post.

Ca-frickin’-pishe?

Life is not all about jokes. Nor is life a fairy tale...

Sorry, just wanted to use a quick Fantasia reference to post this pic

…BWAHAHAHA!
Oh, don’t front; you know that ish is funny as eff.

I didn’t just post the pic for the eff of it. Well…not just for that.

*shrugs*

I haven’t posted anything in a while and if you follow and/or stalk my blog *side eye* on the reggy, you know how I write. On my honor I will try my best to keep this blog under 2,000 words. The reason being that unless you’re hella nosy or bored you won’t wanna read all that. I for damn sure don’t wanna write all that. I’m lazy.

Sue me bxtch; at least I admit it.

Moving right the eff along:
Remember a couple of posts back when I talked about my buzz out in Murrland and ever so briefly touched on GH? Yeah…about him. Um, let me put it like this:

His life hath been rated a certified Eff Ay Eye Ell FAIL by yours truly.

GH and I got off to a great, eff it, fantastic start. Dinner that night had been amazing. Dude washed the dishes after bringing me dinner. He randomly danced wit’ me before he went home. GH even brought me back home from my Positive Psychology class because it was raining the following Monday and even brought me breakfast that Tuesday when I posted my blog about Beckaaaayyyy.

The plan was for me to repay the kindness that he had shown me by bringing me the ribs that I proceeded to slay, smash and kill the night that I had gotten my braces taken off by making him a home cooked meal.

A few things…

1) I love to cook, by like a lot but do I like to cook for other people? Yeah…no; not so much.

2) I cooked from scratch for this muddasucka. Say that ish out loud and let it marinate in your spirit. Scratch. Do you know how long cooking from scratch takes? Yung; that’s like some junior housewife in training type ish!

3) When I saw this fool earlier that day, he said that he was gonna come over early.

4) Dinner was scheduled for for around 5 so early would’ve been any time before then.

5) “Early” turned out to be not at all as this nigga never showed the eff up.

At all y’all.

He didn’t show up at all.

At 6:00 I said a loud “fuck it”, gathered up the steaks—which weren’t cheap by the effing way—and the rest of the food that I slaved over a hot stove to make and gave it to my neighbor who deffy wasn’t expecting a home-cooked meal that night. After dropping off the—home-effing-made—ice cream. I went back into Chez Ren to wait by the phone and Tweet away my frustrations.

I waited for the rest of the night for some sort of contact from this punkbumbuster [one word].

Nothin’.

At.

All.

No call on Monday.

No page on Tuesday.

No email on Wednesday.

No instant message on Thursday.

No smoke signal on Friday.

No telegraph on Saturday.

And when I bumped into this…person on Sunday he didn’t say SHXT to me. Not nary a damn word that popped outta that muddasucka’s mouth was aimed at Ren.

Not.

Nary.

A.

One.

[>_<]

He couldn’t say shxt when he saw me but did that stop him from callin’ me at 1:30 in the AM tryin’ to talk like I don’t have a gotdang 10 AM class? Nope; sho’ didn’t.

Then he showed up on my doorstep Monday morning before I left for class and if I keep on talkin’ about this nigga I’m gonna get all types of aggy and I will be “Goin’ Up Yonder” with “Amazing Grace” on that ass and yes, that’ll be with a hymn book.

I'm crazy enough to do it to. Don't play wit' me

So enough about him.

*aggravated sigh as I roll my eyes, suck my teeth and crack my knuckles*

So many things I could speak on, so little time as I’ve gone over 1,000 words and don’t wanna be sittin’ here all gotdang night so, what to do, what to do.

Do I wanna touch on—why did my mind just go all sorts of totally inappropriate places with that?—The Bamma?

Oh yes, yes I do, but in a few totally inappropriate ways that I’m not about to discuss via my blog. I will not be the subject of a post by Hoe Cop, y’all got me twisted, flipped, sideways—again, my mind just went somewhere bad. Grrr.—and all around effed up.

All I have to say about him right now is that my booty makes him go:
*hooked finger*

“Arrrrgghhhhhhh me hearties, I wanna swab that poop deck”

just like a pirate.

Ask him.

…LMFAOOOOOOO

I wanna say that I can’t believe that I said that but then again, I’m Ren and that my friends would be a lie.

Um, to steer this ship into less dangerous waters, what else could I talk about?

Um, my lil bro siced my whole entire life by givin’ me the sweetest shout out on his mixtape but I don’t wanna talk about the sicing of mine life until I get my copy of the tape to review it.

I could talk all these whack artists from Twitter and MySpace that send me their tracks and beats like I’m in the music biz and can get them a damn deal and lets not forget like I care.

I could also talk about my dislike for church folx—NOT Christians—and how I’m deffy not stuntin’ our bishop but that would leave me sitting here typing away for hours and I would like to catch up on some unneeded beauty sleep a little later on if ya catch mine drift.

There’s a lot of other ish that I could talk about but guess what? I don’t feel like it. I’m lazy, so, I’ma leave y’all wit’ these last few things:
The devil don’t like you and neither do I

[I said it. And?]

And this picture because it amuses the hell outta me and I don’t care if you like it or not.

And on that note, I’ll try to post somethin’ else this week.

Me promise.

*crosses fingers behind back*

lol, jp.

♥