Sox and Naked Flix Don’t Mix

I said that I needed to come up with some new, fresh and fun ways to start off these posts, but guess what? I haven’t come up with anything just yet so…

How be thee knaves; what it is, what’s crackin’, poppin’ and all those other sounds that you should probably go to a doctor to get checked out?
Ren is…well, Ren is how she usually is.

Or is it how I usually am? Hmm; I wonder, I wonder…

Anywho, I’m marginally cute if you squint with your left eye and blink rapidly with your right; cold as shxt in this damn house; missing Him by more than a little bit and bored by a lot multiplied by six, divided by four and added to three.

Yerp, it’s that deep right now.

So, as is my normal fashion when I’m so bored that I can make an almost logical equation with it, I’m writing. Yay. Forgive me if I don’t sound all hype and excited right now. The time is currently 12:50 AM on this, the 14th anniversary of my little sister Boogie’s life and I just can’t be bothered wit’ the hype excitedness right now. Not that the time matters or anything like that, I’m just not feelin’ it tonight.

:[

No matter,the show must go on and go on it will.

♥

I know that I’m about to put myself on blast with this one but a few things:

1) I don’t give a chipped black nail polished—shut up, I’ll repaint my nails later—fanga in the middle about what you have to say at this moment. This blog is The Life and Times of (The Infamous) Mz. Ren where the infamy ensues on a not so regular basis. This is NOT The Life and Times of (The Totally Not This Damn Cool) Person Who’s Not Ren So No One Really Gives A Gotdang Anyway. Sorry to break it to ya. The only way that I’ll care about what y’all have to say is you start droppin’ me blog comments but since that’ll probably never happen…

*intergalactic side eye from the biggest crater on the moon*

2) I’m old enough to talk about what the eff I’m about to talk about. Whatchu gon’ do, snitch me out to mi madre?

3) At least I’m honest enough to admit to it unlike some of y’all

*pointed side eye then eye roll*

So, I said that to say this:

Ren watches porn.

Like…more than not a lot of it.

*Kanye Shrug*

To be clear, I’m not participating in any of the goings on. In fact, I’m a card carrying virgin—I know, y’all probably didn’t think they made us anymore. Me equals the last of a dying breed.—who deffy isn’t thinkin’ about givin’ the bidness to any of the guys that live around here.

I don’t do or date Lansing boys as I know far too many of the niggas and know exactly how they think and talk. I don’t have the patience for that shxt and I'll be damned like a Republican’s soul to the deepest, darkest, hottest pit of hell if I lose my virginity to some nigga that's gon’ tell erryone. That ain’t the biz and it deffy ain’t gon’ work for me.

Damn, let me get back on track wit’ this one.

While I’m not having sex or any sexual contact outside of with myself [I joke with you…*cough* lol jp] I do watch others participate in sextracurricular activities on film. Why?
Um…because I can. Plus I watch to pick up techniques and positions.

Don’t front like you don’t have things in your mental rolodex of sexual positions that you wanna try because I sure as hell won’t lie to y’all.

Like I said a few run-on sentences ago, I watch more than not a lot of porn. During my perusal of adult entertainment, I’ve witnessed a lot of shxt that’s irked me and now I bring you

Ren’s

[Shortish Because She’s Dumb Tired Right Now]

List of Shxt She Hates to See and/or Just Doesn’t Understand in

Porn

1) Bad Weave and Ugly Hair in General

Now I know that I should be concentratin’ on the fxckin’ that’s goin’ down and on some level I am, but seeing fxcked up tracks and bad hair is distracting. One of my guy friends sent me a link to some flick a month or so back and I couldn’t even get into the movie. Wholetime—1 word like my DC boys do—I was watchin’ I was thinkin’ to myself

“This bxtch’s weave and hairline start at her damn ears. Double you tea eff is that ish?”

2) Excessive Amounts of Oil Bein’ Poured Over Some Ho’s Ass

I really need someone to explain to me what the fxck is so damn appealing about a lavender baby oil scented and slicked ass because I for one don’t get that shxt at all. Sure, for the anal scenes you’re gonna—hopefully—need lube which the oil is perfect for but to continue to pour oil on some chick long after the anal part of the scene is doin’ the damn most.

Speaking of doin’ the most with oil, these people so damn extra with the way that they apply it.

In a water can son?

Really?

In a water gun?

Word?

[-__-]

Get on my damn nerves smh.

3) Socks

I effing hate to see socks in porn. Shoes too. Deffy hate to see shoes and socks at the same damn time.

Not sure why but that annoys the hell outta me!

4) Random Ass Articles of Clothing

I look at it like this: If you have the majority of your clothes off, take all of them off dammit! Leaving on a little half shirt while you’re pullin’ a reverse cowgirl on the very well endowed man you happen to be fxcking on camera will not make for a better money shot. Y’kno, just to put that out there.

5) Unattractive Moans

Yeah…you know how I briefly touched on number 88 on my list of things that make me unique and ergo better than you’ll ever be list? Um…yerp, not gon’ go into that just yet, but just think about that whole

I got a way wit’ words that has left more than a few people gasping for air and speechless

thing and thing about this particular entry on the list.

Ugly moans are off putting as shxt. Someone sent me this clip of a deaf chick who wanted to be a porn star and if you sound anything like her, you should pack it the eff up now.

Fake moans are off putting as shxt too. Look bxtch, the nigga ain’t even touchin’ you, but here you are moanin’ like you’re in the very throws of ecstasy. Shut that ish up.

♥

A’ight, that’s it for now.

Please believe that I’m not done wit’ this list, but to borrow some slang from mine DC people:
”I’m ji tired jo”

so at 3:46 AM I’m callin’ it a night.