Sunday, November 15, 2009

I’m a Phonetic Diabetic

You’re just mad that he loves my sideways smiley faces…

bxtch (=

Hola, ni hao, bonjour and gesundheit and all that shxt. How be ye knaves, assorted common folk, princes, queens of both sexes and all other royalty? Hope all is well with thee. No, seriously, I do. My mood for the time being is don’t nobody bring me no bad news and hearin’ about your issues is gonna lead me to try to fix them for you by the use of brute force. You see this picture?

even if you don't, I like this pic so shut it on up.

Even with my eyebrows undone and lookin’ three types of unruly, I am far too cute for jail and since none of y’all bammas communicate wit’ me (*cough* leave me blog comments buttheads *cough*) on a regular basis, I’m gonna have to say
Fxck that bullshxt”
and keep it pushin’.

Besides that, knowing the Michigan penal system; I’d probably end up as Big Patty, Big Shirley or Brenda—no “big”. Her name is Brenda. Self explanatory—cellmate. Any one of those heffas would try to jack me for my cornbread then probably try to have me jack them. Oh no; uh-uh, nope. I will be damned like Dick Cheney’s soul to the lake of fire to get it’s Mike Phelps on for all eternity before I let that happen.

And I hope that some sensitive ass person is reading this and tries to come at me sideways talmbout I’m condemning someone when I’m not. I can’t chose where people go in this life or the next and I can name off the top of the dome ten people who are oh so very lucky this isn’t the case or they too would be swimmin’ laps in the Hell Olympics.

But I challenge thee to some “Wordplay” anyway.

Listen to the words, I’m a wizard wit’ it, wittier than any nigga, sicker than a wino’s kidney [and] liver

Let’s get into it, shall we?


Brilliant as I am—and if there be any naysayers among ye may you take this time out to locate the nearest dick and choke on it. KthanxiAppreciateit one word—I will never be able to understand people and the things they do. So, if ye be human, let a sista know what’s really good.

Real ish though, someone let me know what the deal is because ya girl is confuzzled like a muhfxcka. If I was feeling particularly rude today, I’d say that I’m as confuzzled as that boy who stays sendin’ me gifts on [FaceBook] Sorority Life. Son stays in a t-shirts and skinny jeans tighter than mine (altho my 40 D’s look good in my tight-ish shirts. Score one for Ren) and has this bad ass Louis V clutch that I’d dying for to steal . But actually, he isn’t confused, he and we know exactly what he is but we’re just waiting for him to say it. It’s not like we aren’t gonna love and accept the nigga, we will; tis not like that. It’s just that he’s living in a state of denial and no, it’s not just a river in Egypt. Yes, I did indeed just take it there, shake your head if you must and lets proceed wit’ a minimum amount of rudeness

*side eye to myself cuz I don’t even believe that shxt*

Now, there are a lot of ways that I could take this one if the spirit so moved me. I could wax philosophical and wonder why the chick sitting at the table behind me at  Fire Mountain keeps turning to cough in my direction when she knows that it’s cold and—swine—flu season while I sip on my Coke, scribble in my notebook and absently ponder how many squats I’ll have to do to do justice to the calories that I’ve just consumed and are quickly headed toward my ass. I’m no Buffie the Body but I’m not lackin’ in my slacks *cough* I could also wax homicidal as my little sister kicks me under the table while talkin’ her shxt as I peep (could be attractive if you squint with your eyes closed—I know what the eff I said, shut up—in the darkest place on earth on the darkest night ever in the history of the world) guy givin’ me the good ol’ thrice over, I know what I’m going to briefly touch on before the Itis claims me for a nap.

If you’re a first or even a longtime lurker of my (infamous) life, you know that sarcasm is the weapon which I use to commit my various, nefariously infamous acts. That being said, let it be known that that my sarcasm not only serves as a weapon, it is also my shield.

Ren has had more than a few run-ins with actual people that have left her—aight, me, I’m gettin’ sleepy and this third person shxt ain’t it right now—more than a little…how do you say….

Fxck it, no need to sugarcoat it:


So, I use my sarcasm to push people away. I’m real enough to admit that and respect me for doin’ so. Other than that, the shxt is fun and easy to do and people are stupid and deserve sarcasm every now and now. Again, I know what I just said. Shut the eff up.  However, men, boys and all others with any amount of testosterone in their systems seem to be turned on by that shxt and on one hand, I’m like

"”yo, I’m so effin’ awesome that my defense mechanism is an attractor”

but at the same time I’m like

"”you see that I’m usin’ my awesome powers of super sarcasm on ya ass and yet and still you wanna harass me. What. The. Fxck.”

And guess what?
That’s all for this one. Shocked? I know, on some level I am too but at the same time, I don’t intend to fall asleep tryin’ to write this before I get a chance to hit the dessert line. There are gummy bears over there y’all. Gummy Bears. They aren’t bouncing here and there and everywhere but there are gummy frickin’ bears to be had. If I fall asleep before I partake in the sugary goodness, never shall I be able to forgive myself, so let me throw on these tracks of the day.

First up, we have “Fire Bomb” by Satan’s right hand girl Rihanna

I’m gonna let y’all say what you will on this, I’ve said enough on her and her insanely dark, scary ass album Rated R. I was listenin’ to it yesterday and a black cat jumped out of the bush in my backyard, effectively scarin’ the shxt outta me. Coincidence? Ren thinkest not.

Next up we have “Go Go Gadget Flow” by lyrical husband number two Lupe Fiasco


and finally, to round it all off, “Fly Away” by my lyrical soulmate and the ambassador of rap from the capital Wale


I’m out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i know this post is mad old, and i prolly sound like a creeper but i SO just added your blog to my remind me of myself & i got a good laugh out of what you if that wasnt enough, your love of Wale sealed the deal lol