Saturday, November 28, 2009

Adventures in Alliterative Boredom

I. Am. Frickin’. Bored.

My parental unit effed around and did somethin’ to the wireless router when she was bein’ all extra and quote unquote cool by tryin’ to hook up the HD TV Tuner that she bought for herself on Black Friday and now, I have no Internet on my laptop. Again. That is the second frickin’ time this year smh. I had it ever so briefly at 6 AM when I was typing up my previous post, but before I could even begin to answer the txt messages sent to my Google Voice number online, the net went out once frickin’ more and now at 12:17 PM the bxtch is still out. Grrr.

So, as I so often do when I’m bored which is shamefully so often, I decided to write. I wouldn’t even bother to mention it here if I had no intention of rewriting it for you. Duh.


The slow, not so bright and all others who didn’t score at least 1000 on their SAT should take this time out to locate the nearest dictionary. I used more of those “big” words and I don’t want anyone to choke while trying to say and/or understand one of them.

Got your Miriam-Webster’s ready boys and girls? Good. Let’s see if you can hop aboard my train of thought as it pulls out of the station.

I am…

A laconically loquacious learner of life’s lessons
An above average, anti-avaricious audiophile unafraid of adversity
Unique and untamed, understandably able to understand the utterances of the mentally understaffed
A recalcitrant renegade rebelliously ruling her reality, able to regale you while refuting the claims of the self-righteous; always self-righting.
An enigmatic non-elitist; excoriating exerciser of the excrement excreted from the mouths of each and everyone I come across in my everyday life.
No holds barred.
A natural known for my knack for faux naïveté; numb in the nominative sense to what matters not.

I am…LauRen.

Please tell me that you don’t need me to explain this one to you. Please? Crap, I do?


Look at the first letter of each of the highlighted words. You do notice that they correspond with the letters in my given name, correct? You get it now? Good, here’s a cookie.

I just hope you don’t mind that it fell on the floor…

What’s that? You cracked open a dictionary or just Googled one and say someone can’t be “laconically loquacious”? That it makes no sense and that these words are the opposite of each other?
*pats you on the head*
you’re so cute when you’re hopelessly lost to mine brilliance. Kinda like a puppy. It’s sweet.

To be laconic means to use very few words while to be loquacious means the direct opposite, tending to talk a great deal. That’s talkative for my mental midgets out there. By saying that I’m laconically loquacious, I meant that I can use very few words to say a lot. Which, despite what you’ve read here on my blog, I am ale to do. I’m talkin’ about in the real world. On my blog I can say whatever the eff I wanna say.
You still with me? Do I need to break down the rest for you? Y’all are lucky that I’m bored and without my internet connection still or else I wouldn’t even bother with this nonsense. Bet you Michelangelo didn’t have this hard a time explaining his art…and no, I don’t tend to exercise my laconic loquaciousness this time around.

To be audacious is to be bold, daring or fearless. For the most part I fear nothing and no earthly man, woman, or child. Unless we’re talkin’ about Rihanna. That bxtch looks like she’d head-butt someone with her twelve-head, cut them open with her claw like nails and happily play with their entrails while reciting demon scripture. Tell me that isn’t the least bit frightening and I shall tell you that the devil is a lie and he lives inside of Ms. Fenty.
Those of you who know me, think you know me and know nothing about me can see that I’m an above average young woman. I refuse to break that down any further than it’s been broken down. I won’t let the words lose their integrity because of your lack of understanding. Hmph.
Avarice: an unreasonably strong desire to obtain and keep money.
Anti: opposed to something.
So…as I’m anti-avaricious, that means that I have no strong desire to get and keep money, that I’m non-materialistic. Don’t get shxt twisted now, I like money, I really do. However, it’s not the only thing in the world worth having and I’m not constantly in the pursuit of it. I need more of it, but I’m not gonna let that need consume me. There’s more to life than chasin’ down every temporary high…and yes, that does include money.

I refuse to define “uncommon” for you and if you can’t figure out what it means without my assistance…you’re slow. And not that good The Tortoise and The Hare, slow and steady wins the race type of slow either. The same goes for “unique”, “untamed”, “understand” and all forms thereof.
An “utterance” is something that is said and/or made vocal. As for mentally understaffed, that means short-staffed; not all there; lacking; etc. etc in the brains department. Ah…you get it now I see. Another cookie for you then and yes, this one fell on the floor as well.

Regal means royal. Unlike some females that are waiting for a man to name them queen, I’ve done so myself and I delight in wearing my crown on a gangsta lean.
As a recalcitrant renegade, I’ve abandoned my previously held beliefs and I rule my reality rebelliously because of that. People call me headstrong and stubborn, I just say that I’m  challenging and not for the weak of stomach or mind. I’m unconventional in the way that I don’t think like others, those that are my age and otherwise. I refuse to conform to societies long held beliefs that (African American) females should act a certain way and I not so silently protest by refusing to be seen in a negative, stereotypical light. And I do it all with my brand of off, slightly dark to those blinded by the light, humor.
Admit it, I entertain you.
I prove the self-righteous wrong by contesting their oftentimes—and oh so very annoying—holier than thou beliefs. I know that it isn’t my place to judge someone and I honestly don’t despite what you may believe. However, if I can shine a light on someone else’s bullshxt and nonsense, I do so. Without judging of course. Tis the way I roll.
Self-righting is pretty much self explanatory. No matter how many times I’ve been capsized in the storms that occur on this “ocean of life”, I always find a way to pick myself back up and continue to cruise along until I reach my destination.

Enlightened am I since I like to consider myself well informed, hip to shxt if you will. At the same time, I’m mysterious. A puzzle wrapped enigma that’s been cloaked in confusion and presented to the world in the form of 5’7 and a half inches of light skinned, brown eyed, sexy lipped thickness. That’s me.
I joke about being better than some…alright, all of you, on a regular basis, but that’s just what it is, a joke. Honestly. I believe that no one person is better than another as we all were created equal. I just act the way I do because it’s fun and easy to do. *shrugs*
I denounce, refute and go against the bullshxt that gets expo990oielled from the mouths of the masses on a daily basis. And yes, that does include what comes out of my own mouth, I’m not afraid to call myself on my bullnonsense and I do so when I need to.

No holds barred, pretty much speaks for itself, right? As does natural. As for my faux naiveté *giggles* I just find it fun to amaze people who think that based on how quiet I am I’m stupid and have nothing to say. Last semester, I was always scribbling in my notebook and didn’t say a word in my Intro to Psych class and my professor thought that it would be funny to call on me when I obviously wasn’t paying attention. She asked me to name for her two defense mechanisms. I named five and gave her a description of each while she stood there with this look
on her face. It was great.
Numb in the nominative sense to what matters not…
A nominative is a grammatical form, and if I don’t feel it or some kinda way about it—if I’m numb to it—then I’m not going to waste my time identifying it as the subject of a sentence or clause. Makes sense, right?

Don’t you feel like you know me even better now?


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