Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I’m Not a Notch in Your Bed Post but You’re Just a Line in a Blog

I wrote this one a while ago, lost it in my room then randomly found it earlier today and decided to post it because of my somewhat acerbic, definitely comedic wordplay. Besides that, it made me giggle.

It has recently come to my attention that there are those among you who would wish to perpetrate and attempt to pass off my thoughts and ideas as their own, so if you would be as kind as to allow me to address them here and now I would greatly appreciate it.
*drawn out and rather dramatic sigh*
While I applaud you for leading a (insert air quotes…here) notorious lifestyle, I regret to inform you that you not only fail at life and subsequently as a person, but never shall you succeed in anything that you do until you learn how to be yourself. You aren’t notorious, and you surely aren’t infamous sweetheart. You’re just…you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then again, there isn’t much right either.
Yes, I am a rather unbelievably amazing/fantastic/unique/awesome/insert your own adjective worthy of describing the queen that I am here person if I do say so myself. I can fully understand why you wish to “be like me” but please, hop off my clit, locate the nearest dick and proceed to choke on it. Twice.
You my dear can only cheaply imitate that which I have innovated.
The very thought of someone like you writing Cam&&Essence and the rest of the Turner High Diaries is laughable at best, shamefully pathetic at it’s worst. This is my shxt. Never has it been yours; never will it be yours. I personally don’t think that you have what it takes to write even my early, undeveloped rough drafts, so your attempt to submit my work for publication is hilarious in a brain-missing, senselessly foolish kind of way.
The characters, concepts, story lines and ideas that you’ve apparently been trying to pass off as your own came not from your poor, obviously addled little mind. They are instead the fruits of my creative genius. It would be completely different had you been there to help cultivate and sow even the earliest seeds of creativity, but the fact remains that you weren’t.
I don’t know which is worse. It might be the fact that you stole my work and tried to pass it off as your own. At the same time, it could be that your submitted the pilfered writings to the very same publishing houses that I did and didn’t think that I would hear about it. No, I think the worst thing is that you chose to defile the very integrity of my characters by adding vampires.
Cam&&Essence nor any of the other THD’s are vampire romance novels; I never set out to write the black or urban version of Twilight. That’s not who I am as a writer and none of my characters were designed to be bled by some fool with a sharp pair of canines. No, that’s not it sweetie. I commend you for the nerve and cunning *side eye* which was obviously needed to pull off your shamefully deceitful acts, but the buck stops here bxtch.
I advise you to listen to the chorus of this song then continue reading.

If I ever find out that you’ve been stealing from me again, there will be hell to pay and honestly sweetie, you don’t want me as an enemy. I’ll destroy you and think nothing of it. Are we clear?

L. Elizabeth Carter


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