Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bah Humbug You Ho-Ho-Ho

Life is the worlds’ biggest and most expansive learning experience and I’m at the top of my class. I don’t need a tutor.

God rest ye merry gentlemen and women who look the part. How be all of thee? Letting nothing dismay you from the lead astray lives that you lead? Here’s to hoping that you bring tidings of Southern Comfort and joy this holiday season. Alcoholic eggnog will work too. I’m not picky.

How art I?

A little bit crazy, always sexy and relatively cool in a not so calm yet completely collected way. That’s right mister, I’m nice wit’ the puns and witticisms, so it was surely jest when you thought that your quips were superior to my own. Get familiar jo [=

I’m currently tryin’ to figure out a way to get out of the painfully stilted conversation that’s sure to occur this afternoon as I’ve been expressly forbidden from listening to music in my egg donor’s egg donor’s house. My Nana seems to think that ignoring people by perusing my library of 1500+ songs is rude. However; I know for a fact that real rudeness is harping on things that you know nothing about for hours on end. Insisting on trying to fix which isn’t broken in my life by incessant nagging isn’t much better. But no matter, let’s get into this one as I ponder my predicament.

12 Things About Chrismahanukwanzakah That Annoy Me

12) Malls, the annoying people who shop in them and mall Santa’s:
As you know, I’m not the world’s biggest fan of people and the idiocy that seems to be imbedded deep within their genetic code. Malls and Christmas shoppers have helped to make me that way. Every year, the number of people that lose their minds over the “sales” on recently marked up items at stores like Macy’s and JC Penney’s multiplies tenfold as they try to obtain the inane trinkets that are given out as door-busters. Add that to those creepy mall Santa’s—It takes a very special kind of man to have children sitting on his lap all day be his seasonal occupation—it’s pretty easy to see why I don’t eff wit’ the mall unless I have to this time of year.

11) Niggas who break up with you to avoid buying a present:
These are the same niggas that call you up to make plans for New Year’s Eve on December 26th.

10) Holiday Themed Clothing:
Yes, I love Christmas as much as the next person who still rips a corner of wrapping paper off of the presents under the tree to try to figure out what they’re getting. But at the same time, you won’t catch me dressed in a Christmas tree sweater with real working lights; candy cane leggings; boots with bells that jingle; an antler headband and optional red nose.
[I’ve seen it.]
I’d rather skinny dip with Jack Frost, wrestle polar bears and fence with narwhals before I looked like a walking Macy’s display gone horribly and ever so recklessly awry.

9) Tinsel:
Whoever thought up those minute (here pronounced “my-newt”. As in…little. Not the unit of time measurement), glittery pieces of annoyance should be punched in the throat. Twice.

8) Live Christmas trees:
I am a firm believer of and in artificial trees. You see, those wonderful creations of human ingenuity come in assorted styles, colors and sizes. Real trees? Yeah, you get what you get and that’s that. Mother nature will gladly give you a tree that makes Charlie Brown’s look like a 12 foot Douglas Fir and think nothing of it.
Beside that, pine-needles make me itch.

7) Holiday Specials:
All I have to say is that Lifetime and Hallmark should be banned from making pseudo uplifting movies about talking animals and curmudgeonly old geezers with hearts of silver, gold and platinum. Quick, fast and in a hurry.

6) Church Plays:
…I’m gonna watch what  I say on this one as I’m currently writing this as I watch the one that’s being put on by my church. God may just decide to throw a golden Yule log scented with frankincense and myrrh at me. If the thought of being permanently logged out—I know, I know. I couldn’t resist—of my (infamous) life wasn’t enough to make me want to bite my tongue, I’ve synced my blog with my notes on FaceBook. I’m friends with a few of the saints from my local parish.
Y’all know the church be talkin’.

5) Gift wrapping:
I’ve accomplished a lot in my twenty years here on this third rock from the sun, the mastery of the art of effortless awesomeness that in turn makes me better than you on your best day for example. As awesome as I am though, I can’t wrap presents to save mine (infamous) life. Every time I try, I either use too much paper or not enough. Either way, it looks like a flaming hot mess. God invented gift bags and tissue paper for a reason.

4) Salvation Army donation people:
Times are hard and believe me when I say that I know that. I spent the majority of my Saturday doing volunteer work for the holiday. I’m not going to talk about the giving of money because if I’ve been blessed enough to receive it, I can bless someone else by donating it to a good cause. I’m talking about the way that the Salvation Army is trying to guilt people into giving donations by making the frail and sick stand in the cold to ring those bells. The last time Tia and I went shopping, we saw this old lady who had to be at least seventy standing outside a-ring-ring-ringlin’ her bell. I dug deep and slipped a ten into the bucket even though I wanted nothing more than to buy her a scarf and a cup of spiced cider.

3) Snow:
Snow is the devil. The white devil. Every winter, I feel like I’m in a blaxploitation flick. Foxy and a whole lot of woman though I may be, Lemon Cream Caramel Macchiato is fighting a losing battle for warmth and consistently clear sidewalks. Shazaam.

2) Idiots who forget how to drive in the snow:
I live in Michigan. We’re shaped like a frickin’ glove for a reason; we’re no stranger to snow in my “great” state, but that doesn’t stop nitwits from acting like they can’t drive. The other night when I was talkin’ to Conscious on FaceBook and watchin’ rap-battles on YouTube, this person with yellow snow for brains ran into the light-pole outside of mi casa.

1) Christmas Carols:
Look son, I don’t care if you want to buy these here shoes for your momma, Santa Claus can come to town all he wants to, I don’t give a gotdang nor a fanga in the middle about you wantin’ your two front teeth for Christmas and I want every chestnut to pop-pop-pop you in the eye as you roast it over the open fire. I’ve been hearing Christmas carols everyday since Halloween. Every. Day.
I hear them in the stores, on public transportation, in my nightmares, everywhere.

That being said…today’s track of the day is “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” by Kirk Franklin and The Family.


Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah Everyone!

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