♪♫ I Wasn't a Hustler or a Player But Before I Met You...

Equan,

I tried to write an introduction to this but you know me my love. You know how I am so you know how I write. I was planning on doing this big lead up where I would tell you again how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I don’t need to do all of that.  You know how much I care about you and you should know how much I love you by now. If you don’t…

I’m not going to continue in this same vein because I told myself that I wouldn’t, but before I get to what I feel as though I need to get to, I’m going to leave you with this:

I’ve told a lot of people the story of us. Other than being in awe and amazed at the kind of love that we share—a few have even said they were a bit jealous—they all ask me if you realize everything that I’m giving you; what it is that I am. My question to you is do you my love?

Once again, I’m going to use music as the medium to help me tell you this. Instead of "Love” by Musiq, I’m going to tell you about the time “Before I Met You” with some help from Usher. And like last time, I’m going to save the chorus for last.

You ready?

♥♥♥

You changed my life in so many ways

I just look back to how I used to be

And how you dealt with me

And I just wanna…

Thank you

If nothing else, that’s the theme of this Q; I have to tell you thank you. For showing me love, for giving me hope, for changing who I am for the better and for everything that we went through—and will hopefully have the chance to go through in the future. I want to thank you for the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. For coming into my life when I decided that I wasn’t going to care anymore and for giving me a reason to do so. I want to thank you for being you and for loving me just the way I am.

God forbid but

 Just in case I never see your face again

Just in case the worst was meant to happen

Just in case tomorrow never comes

There is somethin’ you should know

There is more than just “some thing” that you should know; there are some things. I don’t even know where to start but

I’ve given you every bit of the man I am

I know at times it wasn’t pretty but it was all I had

seems like a good enough place.

For obvious reasons, I haven’t given you every bit of the man that I am, but I gave you the girl that I was and the woman that I’m still becoming. I know, it hasn’t exactly been pretty, but this is me. I don’t know how to do things in a quote unquote “proper” way, so I go all in…for the most part. I wish that I could tell you that

I never held back not one little bit

but that’s not true, I did hold back and I’m sorry.

You know me and you know that I’ve been hurt in the past. It’s not an excuse, but baby it’s the truth. I have been hurt in ways that I haven’t even told you about and because of that, my willingness to go all in in a relationship—especially an unsure bet like ours—is nonexistent.Or it was before I met you.

The world can attest to this

baby you flipped my program upside down

You really, truly did.

Before I met you I…I wasn’t exactly a happy person. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I was just in a really bad place and time in my life. But then you, with that voice and the way you think, came into my life and—I say this out of love and with a smile on my face—you fucked everything up.

You did the unthinkable. You made me, the girl who promised herself never again, fall in love with you. What’s more, you did it in a time frame that lasted a little more than two hours. It’s crazy, but you did it with your voice, the passion with which you speak and the way you are when it comes to your daughter. There is something in you—I’m not sure what—that speaks to something in me that up until March 10th 2008 at 3:47 PM I thought was dead. It was then that my life started to do a complete 180.

There were so many times I wasn’t there for you
And for every one of those times I hated myself for

The way I went about it

The ups and the downs

One foots in while the other foots out

I’ve always been here for you and you know that. Even when it got hard; even when it hurt and when it felt like me sticking around wouldn’t matter at all, I stayed. I’m still here for you and I will continue to be here for you because I’m in love with you.

Even during those times when you weren’t there for me—and there were times you and I both know that very well—I didn’t hate you or hate you for it. I was just disappointed. You know the way that things were gone about better than I do and we both know about the ups and downs that we’ve had to deal with. There was a time when I wasn’t sure who or what you wanted and it just…it hurt me a bit. I was more disappointed than anything.

Lovin’ on you

Lovin’ on another

I ain’t no different from any other brother

…You know our relationship and you know our history. I don’t need to speak on it but I will say this:
You are different from the other brothers; you’re nothing like them at all.

Ours is a fucked up situation to be in and no one besides you and I will ever fully understand the ins and outs of it. I get it Q; I know why certain things were done. Do I like the way that we had to do what we did to be together? No, hell no. And while there’s a part of me that says if given the chance to go back and do it all again I would go about it the right way, there’s an even bigger part of me that wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m pretty sure that I never told you this but you, Equan, are worth it all and by all I do mean it all. You remember those times when you gave me the option of staying or leaving with the promise of no love lost?

I stayed because of you. I could, did and will continue to deal with all the shit that is and was coming our way because for the first time in my life, I met someone that was worth sticking around for.

Even when I was scared—and damn if I haven’t been scared—I never ran from you; I stuck around to show you what you mean to me. And I’m still here.

So what I give to you right here right now

In this here place is my voice laid out

In this here space is my heart poured out
As I state my case as I break it down

I’ve never really been the one to put my business out there like that but because you’re you, and because I feel the way that I do about you, I will make the exception so that I can

Tell you where I’m coming from

♥

As of now it is currently unfinished. There is something else that I need to write before I complete this and it’s equally important.

For Him.

For Us.

For Me.

♪♫I’m Missin’ You So Boy…

I’m thinkin’ about and missin’ Him so much right now…*sigh*This is just a little somethin’ that I shot for Him last month. No real point to it or this post, but I just decided that I would post it. *shrugs*
[don't be dumb, turn off the tuneage to watch the vid smh]
Oh, in case you were wondering, and I know you probably weren’t but I’ma tell you anyway:I’m not wearing makeup. Well, not really, just lipgloss, but that doesn’t count. I’m mildly attractive huh?Well…He thinks so at least.♥

To the one who may get away

You can call me a lot of things but I can guaran-damn-tee that heartless isn’t one of them. I’ve never loved in a way that would just be easy to walk away from and this time, with this man is no different. No, that’s a lie. It is different. Much different.

This time it’s really real and this time…

I really will be heartbroken, especially if it ends like this.

Below is an excerpt of a letter that I’m writing. It’s not even close to being finished but I’ll post the end result when it's done. Why am I posting it? Because, even if I can’t tell him how it is, I can tell someone. Maybe you don’t get it but it makes sense to me

*shrugs*

♥♥♥

Oh my love,

I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say anything.

I love you Quan. I have since the first time I heard you and Nina speak Spanish to each other. I realized that I’m in love with you the first time that Rico’s lips met mine on that day and it’s your arms that I wish were holding me and your lips that I was kissing. From the very beginning the feelings were there and even now in the “I-don’t-know-what-to-call-it-but-I-hope-it-isn’t-the-end” I can honestly tell you that I’m still in love with you.

So…Japan….

All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy Equan. No, that’s not true. All I ever wanted is for you and I to be happy together but if you’re happy in Japan, working towards your dreams, I can at least wipe the tears from my eyes long enough to smile and say congratulations on signing the contract. If nothing else my love, this is a toast to you. I’m so happy that you got a second chance at your dreams, not everyone does, and I wish you luck in this and everything you do. Even now I’m so, so proud of you; you just don’t know. I’ll silently be rooting for you from my side of the world and who knows, maybe I’ll see you on TV some day and maybe…maybe it won’t hurt. Not too much at least.

Can I ask you something though?

…Why wasn’t it you to tell me? Do you think that I would’ve tried to stop you from pursuing your dream? That I would try to use the way that you (hopefully still) feel about me against you? That I would try to make you stay?

Don’t you know me by now?

You should’ve told me, not your sister at like four o’clock in the morning my time, but you baby. Don’t you know that you can still tell me anything? That I will support you 3000% in what it is that you do no matter what? Even if it means…I don’t know. Regardless of whatever it may mean for me and you as individuals and for us as a couple, I would support you like I am now.  I love you Equan and dammit, I want you to be happy.

Right now I wish that I could scream and say that I hate you but I can’t. I love you too much to even try to lie like that. Even now when there’s a steady stream of tears falling from my eyes, I could never hate you. I’ve tried to. So many times in fact but at the end of the day and when it’s all said and done? I love you too deeply to even fix my mouth to say the words.

♥♥♥

That’s all I have so far but there is a lot more to come.

I know that there are those of you out there that would criticize me, shake your head and just ask why I didn’t leave when I found out. At the same time, I also know that there is at least one person that understands where I’m comin’ from. They may have been here before or they’re just empathizing with me but regardless, I know that somebody out there felt it. It may not have been you but somebody did.

And really? If someone else is feelin’ even a tenth of what I’m tryin’ to say?

Then I’m on the right track.