Sunday, August 23, 2009

♪♫ I Wasn't a Hustler or a Player But Before I Met You...


I tried to write an introduction to this but you know me my love. You know how I am so you know how I write. I was planning on doing this big lead up where I would tell you again how much I love you and how much you mean to me but I don’t need to do all of that.  You know how much I care about you and you should know how much I love you by now. If you don’t…

I’m not going to continue in this same vein because I told myself that I wouldn’t, but before I get to what I feel as though I need to get to, I’m going to leave you with this:

I’ve told a lot of people the story of us. Other than being in awe and amazed at the kind of love that we share—a few have even said they were a bit jealous—they all ask me if you realize everything that I’m giving you; what it is that I am. My question to you is do you my love?

Once again, I’m going to use music as the medium to help me tell you this. Instead of "Love” by Musiq, I’m going to tell you about the time “Before I Met You” with some help from Usher. And like last time, I’m going to save the chorus for last.

You ready?


You changed my life in so many ways

I just look back to how I used to be

And how you dealt with me

And I just wanna…

Thank you

If nothing else, that’s the theme of this Q; I have to tell you thank you. For showing me love, for giving me hope, for changing who I am for the better and for everything that we went through—and will hopefully have the chance to go through in the future. I want to thank you for the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. For coming into my life when I decided that I wasn’t going to care anymore and for giving me a reason to do so. I want to thank you for being you and for loving me just the way I am.

God forbid but

 Just in case I never see your face again

Just in case the worst was meant to happen

Just in case tomorrow never comes

There is somethin’ you should know

There is more than just “some thing” that you should know; there are some things. I don’t even know where to start but

I’ve given you every bit of the man I am

I know at times it wasn’t pretty but it was all I had

seems like a good enough place.

For obvious reasons, I haven’t given you every bit of the man that I am, but I gave you the girl that I was and the woman that I’m still becoming. I know, it hasn’t exactly been pretty, but this is me. I don’t know how to do things in a quote unquote “proper” way, so I go all in…for the most part. I wish that I could tell you that

I never held back not one little bit

but that’s not true, I did hold back and I’m sorry.

You know me and you know that I’ve been hurt in the past. It’s not an excuse, but baby it’s the truth. I have been hurt in ways that I haven’t even told you about and because of that, my willingness to go all in in a relationship—especially an unsure bet like ours—is nonexistent.Or it was before I met you.

The world can attest to this

baby you flipped my program upside down

You really, truly did.

Before I met you I…I wasn’t exactly a happy person. I didn’t care about anyone or anything. I was just in a really bad place and time in my life. But then you, with that voice and the way you think, came into my life and—I say this out of love and with a smile on my face—you fucked everything up.

You did the unthinkable. You made me, the girl who promised herself never again, fall in love with you. What’s more, you did it in a time frame that lasted a little more than two hours. It’s crazy, but you did it with your voice, the passion with which you speak and the way you are when it comes to your daughter. There is something in you—I’m not sure what—that speaks to something in me that up until March 10th 2008 at 3:47 PM I thought was dead. It was then that my life started to do a complete 180.

There were so many times I wasn’t there for you
And for every one of those times I hated myself for

The way I went about it

The ups and the downs

One foots in while the other foots out

I’ve always been here for you and you know that. Even when it got hard; even when it hurt and when it felt like me sticking around wouldn’t matter at all, I stayed. I’m still here for you and I will continue to be here for you because I’m in love with you.

Even during those times when you weren’t there for me—and there were times you and I both know that very well—I didn’t hate you or hate you for it. I was just disappointed. You know the way that things were gone about better than I do and we both know about the ups and downs that we’ve had to deal with. There was a time when I wasn’t sure who or what you wanted and it just…it hurt me a bit. I was more disappointed than anything.

Lovin’ on you

Lovin’ on another

I ain’t no different from any other brother

…You know our relationship and you know our history. I don’t need to speak on it but I will say this:
You are different from the other brothers; you’re nothing like them at all.

Ours is a fucked up situation to be in and no one besides you and I will ever fully understand the ins and outs of it. I get it Q; I know why certain things were done. Do I like the way that we had to do what we did to be together? No, hell no. And while there’s a part of me that says if given the chance to go back and do it all again I would go about it the right way, there’s an even bigger part of me that wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m pretty sure that I never told you this but you, Equan, are worth it all and by all I do mean it all. You remember those times when you gave me the option of staying or leaving with the promise of no love lost?

I stayed because of you. I could, did and will continue to deal with all the shit that is and was coming our way because for the first time in my life, I met someone that was worth sticking around for.

Even when I was scared—and damn if I haven’t been scared—I never ran from you; I stuck around to show you what you mean to me. And I’m still here.

So what I give to you right here right now

In this here place is my voice laid out

In this here space is my heart poured out
As I state my case as I break it down

I’ve never really been the one to put my business out there like that but because you’re you, and because I feel the way that I do about you, I will make the exception so that I can

Tell you where I’m coming from

As of now it is currently unfinished. There is something else that I need to write before I complete this and it’s equally important.

For Him.

For Us.

For Me.

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