Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Thou Shalt Keep it Sexy

So shall it be written, so it better be done.

I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times since the first, but let me reiterate for added effect:
It’s 2010.
It’s a new decade. A new era in this, your life and times. It’s another chance for you to get it right and get it tight Ms. New Booty.
I’ve been paying attention to y’all as of late, and honestly, this ish needs to stop. As I already stated, it’s 2010. That means it’s time for all that lame, last decade shxt to come to an end. It’s not cute, it’s not cool and it’s not kosher boo-boo; no. Please, for the sake of humanity, allow me to upgrade you. No Beyonce.
Enter my fabulous self with The Ren Commandments (no sacrilege), an informative and insightful guide to a better you according to me.
I’m not about to act like I’m an expert or an authority on the subject of upgrading lives, I wouldn’t lie to y’all like that. However; I can provide the common sense that a few of you are lacking and a few tips and tricks that can aid you in becoming a better, more successful, quite possibly infamous in your own right, individual. But only if you let me. You could choose to stop reading here, but it’s 2010. Why be regular if you don’t have to be?

Ladies, this first one is for y’all.

Commandment One
Thou shalt keep it sexy in 2010 and every year after

I’m tired of my gender and my race being downgraded on a regular and too constant basis. I want you silly bxtches—said out of love and because I’m not willing to exert the energy necessary to learn your names—to know that you make life hard for the non-reckless females with their heads on straight like myself.
Stop that shxt and keep it sexy!
You know that old adage, “clothes don’t make the man” or in this case the woman? It’s true; they don’t. True sexiness doesn’t lie in what you do or (for those of you who are fond of being half-naked) don’t wear.
Sexiness is a state of mind that effects the way you talk, the way you carry yourself and the way you act or behave. You don’t have to be that mythical perfect ten or show skin all the time to be considered sexy sweetie, whoever told you that shxt lied.
You need to think sexy thoughts to talk sexily. Let me break this down a little further.
Confidence is what makes or breaks you as an individual, a sexy one or otherwise. It’s the very heart of sexiness. Confidence is a thought process that even the mental midgets out there can master. It’s not just the belief in your own abilities, but it’s also a trusting relationship that you have with yourself. You can’t be confident in yourself, your abilities or your sexiness if you don’t trust yourself. It’s impossible.
Talking sexy doesn't’ necessarily have to do with your tone or inflection. It’s more in what you say, when you say it and how you say it. That being said, let it be known that raunchiness does not equal sexiness. There’s both a time and a place for that and I strongly suggest that you figure out when that is. Walkin’ round talkin’ about lickin’, stickin’, suckin’ and fxckin’ all the time isn’t ladylike, it’s not sexy, it’s deffy not cute and it could get you labeled a ho. Don’t let the niggas in your hood or music videos fool you, ho’s are not sexy sweetie, they’re just ho’s, little more than sex toys for anyone willing to play with them.
Walk like you got you some business girl!
Yes, the improper English is necessary. Keep your head up and a smile on your lips when you do ya lil “I’m sexy and yes I’m the shxt and I won’t allow you to tell me otherwise” strut mama. Work it; gon’ head wit’ ya bad self. Walk with an attitude, just make sure it’s not a stuck up or stank one. That’s not cute and it’ll detract from your sexiness ladies, trust me. Maybe it’s just the people that I hang around, but I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who fantasizes about pushing stank ho’s down three flights of steps. (I’m joking…*cough*) You ever seen someone after they’ve…“fallen” down some stairs? Yeah, that’s not the look.
Preserve your sexy and keep it fresh, not stank.
Behavior is everything sweetie, everything. If you act like a ho, eleven times out of ten, you’ll be a ho, same goes for being a bxtch. You can be aloof if you like, but standoffishness isn’t generally held to be sexy so find that happy medium and do what you do. Act sexy and you’ll be that, trust me.
Let’s recap.
Sexiness is a state of being, it’s confidence. it has nothing to do with the clothes that you wear or the lack thereof. Sexiness is the way you talk. it’s the things you say, when you say them and how you say them. Sexiness is the way you carry yourself and can transform an admittedly average chick into a dime even if it doesn’t give her a slim waist, cute face and a big behind. Sexiness is in your thoughts, your attitude and your actions so ladies, would you please stop embarrassing yourselves, other females and all of humanity and keep it sexy?

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