Saturday, May 8, 2010

Ten (Plus Five) Things I Hate About You

You can call it Hell, but bruh, I just say I’m “Below the Heavens”

Surprise, surprise: I’m still in that choke, cut, defenestrate, disembowel and otherwise maim you” mood that I was in earlier due to the chorus line of muhfxckas doin’ the Cupid Shuffle on the very last of my good nerves. While these fools insist on irritating me with their nonsense, drama and bullshxt and walkin’ it by themselves on my poor, frazzled nerves, I’m trying to remain that happy, calm, sweet individual that I know I have the potential to be. But guess what? Shxt ain’t workin’ for me so bump it.
Let’s get into this one, shall we?

Fifteen Things I Abhor, Dislike, Despise, Can’t Stand and Generally “Hate”

15) Public Transportation—More Specifically, The CATA and The People Who Ride It
The Capital Area Transportation Authority is the premier uh…authority when it comes to transporting Lansing’s residents all over the city. Which is all fine, dandy and peachy effin’ keen for those of us without a license and/or car like yours truly. However, the unclean masses I could do without. I’ve been spit on, damn near peed on and no, it wasn’t by a baby drooled on and harassed while tryin’ to get to wherever the heck I was going at one time or another.
I don’t know what it is, but there is something about the CATA that makes niggas act a gotdang reckless fool when it comes to approaching ladies such as myself. I’ve had dudes take my headphones out of my ears to try and spit their shamefully weak game at me and lawd, that’s not even half of the reckless ish I’ve had to deal with, but I’ve got fourteen more annoyances to list so…

14)  Unnecessarily Loud People
If my volume is at 25 while blasting Onyx’s “Slam” through my Skull Candy’s and I can hear yo’ loud ass from way across the room, we’re gonna have a problem. There is absolutely no reason that I can think of for a human being to be that gotdang loud. None. At. All. This is unacceptable and every time I encounter an obnoxiously loud person in a quiet setting like the library, I entertain thoughts of silencing them with a a roundhouse kick to the jugular while making angry eyes at them from wherever it is I happen to be sitting.

13)  People Who Try to Talk to Me When I’m Listening to Music or Have My Headphones In
I mean really. Headphones mean “don’t fxck with me”, why don’t people understand this and insist on attempting to carry on a conversation? The whole purpose of me spending $15 a pop on a pair of Skull Candy’s is so I don’t have to listen to the world at large.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you, that’s rude.

12) Lansing, Michigan
Point blank: I hate it here. There’s less than nothing left for me here and the day I make my escape can’t come soon enough. Where am I going? No clue yet. My heart lives in Cali, but who knows? *shrugs sadly*

11) My Family
Y’all know I couldn’t write this without mentioning these fxckers I said it out of love, shut up at least once. Now, before you go about getting it flipped, twisted and three kinds of confused, let me explain. I love my family, I really do. Especially the members of said family that I don’t see on the reggy. My peeps from Arkansas, Detroit, the DMV and Chicago? Yeah, love ‘em to death. The immediate fam though? No, hell no.
I still love ‘em but I hate to be around them. No one can push your buttons like your fam can and mine are fond of jumping on mine with the things they do and say. You all think I’m evil? That’s nothin’. You should see the stock that I’m sprung from. You’ll be calling me St. Ren of the Light Skin after spending a day with Sperm and Egg.

10) Vevo
Vevo is the worst thing to happen to YouTube since Chris Crocker. ‘Nuff said.

9) People Who Eat Loudly
What the effing eff man, really? Tell me, how do you eat cotton candy loudly and why  do you insist on doing so?

8) People Who Don’t Shut Up
Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, verse 7b
“A time to keep silence and a time to speak”
Do yourself a favor and learn when these times are. Please and thank you.

7) DirecTV
Any television provider that doesn’t have MTV Jams or VH1 Soul is the devil, plus, we don’t get the CW even though we pay for it which means no Supernatural for me. Oh, and their “On Demand”? Deffy a lie. It doesn’t count if you have to wait for the program to download smh.
I miss Comcast =/

6) People
Self explanatory.

5) Most Females
Bxtches man…can’t stand ‘em.
Just last week, this girl hit me up with some bullshxt that I really didn’t need in my life and if she weren’t so far away, I’d find her and kick her ass. Bxtches need to know their roles and not act above their stations in life and relationships. Like one of my favorite creations E. Marie Juliet St. James says,
"You're not his leading lady; you're just an understudy. Know your role. Ho."

4) Guys Who Are Obsessed With My Bottom Lip
A week is not complete until and unless some guy, random or otherwise, makes some out of the way comment about molesting my bottom lip.
Look, I appreciate the fact that my face has one redeeming quality and the fact that you’re attracted to it, but when I get comments like
I wanna suck on yo’ bottom lip”
I want those lips wrapped around my dick”
on pictures like the one below?
11-22-09--Nana's Bathroom 
Yeah. We have an issue on our hands that can only be resolved by me stabbing you in the arm with the first sharp object I can get my hands on.

3) My Boobs
See this?
Oh, yeah...I've got an embarassing scar under my lip. I hate it.
My Happy Bunny hoodie won’t zip up all the way due to the size of my breasts. I’ve got cleavage to die for, but still.

2) Being Lied to Unnecessarily
I’ll admit that there have been times where I’ve been fooled in the past, but for the most part, I know when I’m being lied to and I hate the fact that certain people feel the need to do so. Out of all the people in the world, I’m the one that they can be completely honest with without fear of being judged and they know that, so I take the fact that they’re lying to me to mean that they’re lying to themselves as well. You don’t have to do that; there’s no need.

1)  People Who Think I’m Stupid
I may not be the brightest crayon in the figurative box but I can assure you, I’m far from stupid. Just because you don’t see me acting in what you perceive to be an intelligent manner doesn’t mean that my intelligence is subpar to yours or anyone else’s.
I’ve come to learn that it’s not always about acting intelligently, it’s about finding a way to make your intelligence work in a way that will suit and benefit you best. So if that means acting “stupid” then so be it.

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