I Feel…”Ranty” Today. Deal Wit’ It. Bxtches

Man…Twitter is the shxt!

I meet some of the coolest, most almost as awesome as me people ever on there.

How ya doin’ reader, lurkers, stalkers and people that report what you read on my blog to the fam tryin’ to snitch me out like I’m 16 fxckin’ years old again? How art thou respective lives?

As of now I’m pretty good. Laid back on the couch, watchin’ Phineas and Ferb—hate not—and thinkin’ up a master plan…and the end to the paper that I have to write for Cultural Anthropology. So, while I’m gathering my thoughts on Language and if it’s accurate to say that it’s a distinguishing feature of humans, I’m gonna post a note that my gurlie Zuri tagged me in on FaceBook.

[I added the badge for a reason. Request me]

Y’all don’t leave me comments but I wonder if you’ll leave some after you read what Zuri has to say.

Let’s get into it.

BTW: I’m the one emphasizing ish w/the bold italicized text. Not Zuri lol.

♥

Why are men the most complicated, confused creatures on the planet?

Is that why God made them first?

Did he know that it would be the most extraordinarily difficult thing he ever did, so he just wanted to knock them off before he did anything else?

Or did it really take him 6 days to make them and he was just faking the funk saying he was making plants and heavens and land?

You know, creating the AMBIANCE. Bull-ish! He was thinking, “What in the Heavens hast thou created!” No wonder he had to retire on the 7th day! Homeboy was tired! Well so am I! FedUp is more like it.
Why do men think they can do whatever the hell they want, to whatever the hell they feel like it and believe woman should just deal with it? Did the airing of “Coming to America” allow more men to adopt the notion that women should respond to any question as “Whatever you like my King. Ever since the day I was born I was trained to serve you!” Well you can put that lump of bullshit back on Sally’s hide and she can ride Sally ride back home to Zamunda.
Why is it that we have to deal with sanguinal horror and uterine contractions every month, but THEY are the one’s PMS’in? What gives them the right to have attitude or mood swings? They get to squirt their X and Y’s up our birth canal, while we get to throw up, get fat and file for child support? We get stuck, while they keep it moving.
*sigh*

deep breathes .... deep breathes
We call…they have attitude. We say eff it…dont call…you call…”Why I aint heard from you?”

WTF MOFO!

Why haven’t you heard from us? See what exactly does that mean? When we made ourselves heard, they weren’t trying to hear ish that we were saying! So instead of them HEARING US, we decided to make you LISTEN! The only way they LISTEN, is when they hear SILENCE.
Silence is GOLDEN!
So when they dont hear sh*t, then they start wondering who we could be talking to. Well, if they would have checked, we was in the same place, same time, not saying sh*t, waiting to be heard. The only way to be heard is to make them listen to us not say shit!
Yall HEAR what we saying?
So when they get out of line, just dont say anything. Because as soon as they dont hear you they gonna wonder who you are talking to and no they wont call, they will be right at your door sniffin, lookin all crazy and acting a got damn fool.
SILENCE IS POWER!
Zuri =)

♥

Oh yes. She took it there. Whatchu gon’ do about?

lol

—LauRenxExCarter

On This Day I Become Legendary…

*happy sigh*

What the eff is up first time visitors and long time lurkers of mine (infamous) life and times? How be thee knaves, princes, paupers and all around common folk? If you couldn’t tell or were to….

What’s the nice word for “stupid” that I’m lookin’ for? Dense? Yeah, that’ll work.

If you were too dense to pick up on it, Ren is currently in a great mood.

Yeah, sure I’m sitting in Positive Psychology cold as hell because some genius that works for the school decided that it would be a brilliant idea to turn the air conditioning on knowing good and gotdamn well that we live in Michigan and having the air on after August can result in death. And yeah, alright, that loud ass female who I can’t stand showed up to class in a face mask and I’ve been throwin’ medicated side-eyes at her hopin’ and prayin’ that she doesn’t have the swine flu cuz I don’t wanna come down wit’ a case of the oinks. And yes, I decided to wear my hair like this

 

Which is apparently the old mans hairstyle of choice considering all the skeevy old men who tried to push up on me when I hit main campus smh.

Regardless of all that dumb shxt, I am in a fan-frickin’-tabulousy awesome mood right now.

My meeting earlier went great. Better than great. Twas amazing actually. Every day and in every way I’m gettin’ “Closer to My Dreams”  and it feels so effin’ good jo. I’m on the brink of doin’ somethin’ that I’ve dreamt of doin’ ever since I read Marc Brown’s Pickle Things out loud to my class in first grade and…wow. All I can say right now on that is wow.

For the first time since May 11th 2009—one of the best days in the herstory of mine life—I’m truly happy…and the screen shot says it all

Ren is in such a good mood right now that she—I?—was even more positive than I usually am and yes, despite the goings on that you read about in these, my life and times, I am a positive individual. I have both kind and individual words that I use on a regular basis. Here’s a little example:

I was playing around on the Social Interview app on FaceBook earlier and the last question that I was asked was

If the whole world were listening, what would you say?

To which I answered:

Ha, like that'll ever happen. Nobody listens anymore, but on the WAY off chance that I did get the whole world to listen to what I have to say, I'd say:

"Life isn't all about the pursuit or the end goals that you may have. It's about enjoying the journey and being grateful, and lets not forget THANKFUL for the things you have and the people that you were blessed enough to meet along the way. Always remember who you are and never let "them" tell you who you should be. Your life is yours for a reason. Live it and be happy."

That's IF they all decided to listen tho

*shrugs*

Of course, since people aren’t used to the positive Ren, I’ve been getting shxt like this all day

 

But eff ‘em.

lol.

I’m cuttin’ this one short, be glad and rejoice in the fact that I’ve given you less than 1,000 words to read this time around. I’m about to dip out of Positive Psychology early.

Shh. Don’t tell my professor.

♥

I’ve Been Gone For a Minute Now I’m Back Wit’ The Whaa?

Sorry, I was listening to "Jump Off" by Lil Kim and the face from the milk carton Mr. Cheeks when I thought up the title. Not that I’m tryin’ to explain myself to y’all. Who be ye knaves to me?

Twas a joke! Sheesh…

lol.

So anyway, I finally ended up shooting that video that I’ve been talkin’ about shooting for the longest. Actually, I’ve shot videos, tons of them in fact. I just haven’t uploaded any of them because I didn’t like the way that they turned out. But that’s neither here nor there at the moment.

Um…before I post the vid—because I know that no one is gonna want to read anything after they see my 8 minutes of nonsense lol—here’s the scoop on the weekly update. Which none of y’all knew anything about.

Until now.

Well, I go over it in the video briefly, but here’s the topics for last week:

I Sent Side-Eyes to the Sanctified Saturday Night Sinners and Sunday Morning Worshippers

Monday Meetings and Malarkey

Tuesday Temptations

Whacktastically Whack Whackness on Wednesday

A Thoroughly “eh” Thursday

A Fantastic End to a Fxcked Up Week Gets Fxcked Up By Foolishness on Friday

From the titles to mine days alone, tell me that wouldn’t be shxts and giggles for anyone over the age of 18 unless accompanied by a responsible adult. However, like I sad in the video. Y’all know how I write. Saturday night and Sunday morning alone were 4 hand written pages before I decided to stop and by the way? My hand writing isn’t big either. Just imagine the strain on your eyes and my fingers if I had decided to write out the whole week.

*shudders*

Um…anything else I wanna say before I post this vid and leave for mine meeting? Uh…

Oh yeah.

Be sure to check out Cam&&Essence. I haven’t updated their site in a while, but click the linkage and go check it out anyway. I myself think that it’s a pretty good read, but y’know…

I wrote it.

lol.

Alright, I’ve stalled long enough, let me post this video then vacate these premises

Isn’t my hair cute?

Oh…you don’t think so?

┌П┐(>_<)┌П┐

Just playin’ lol.

I’ll upload to You-Tube later. Maybe. Or I’ll just shoot a completely different one and delete this one

*shrugs*

I’m out.

Sox and Naked Flix Don’t Mix

I said that I needed to come up with some new, fresh and fun ways to start off these posts, but guess what? I haven’t come up with anything just yet so…

How be thee knaves; what it is, what’s crackin’, poppin’ and all those other sounds that you should probably go to a doctor to get checked out?
Ren is…well, Ren is how she usually is.

Or is it how I usually am? Hmm; I wonder, I wonder…

Anywho, I’m marginally cute if you squint with your left eye and blink rapidly with your right; cold as shxt in this damn house; missing Him by more than a little bit and bored by a lot multiplied by six, divided by four and added to three.

Yerp, it’s that deep right now.

So, as is my normal fashion when I’m so bored that I can make an almost logical equation with it, I’m writing. Yay. Forgive me if I don’t sound all hype and excited right now. The time is currently 12:50 AM on this, the 14th anniversary of my little sister Boogie’s life and I just can’t be bothered wit’ the hype excitedness right now. Not that the time matters or anything like that, I’m just not feelin’ it tonight.

:[

No matter,the show must go on and go on it will.

♥

I know that I’m about to put myself on blast with this one but a few things:

1) I don’t give a chipped black nail polished—shut up, I’ll repaint my nails later—fanga in the middle about what you have to say at this moment. This blog is The Life and Times of (The Infamous) Mz. Ren where the infamy ensues on a not so regular basis. This is NOT The Life and Times of (The Totally Not This Damn Cool) Person Who’s Not Ren So No One Really Gives A Gotdang Anyway. Sorry to break it to ya. The only way that I’ll care about what y’all have to say is you start droppin’ me blog comments but since that’ll probably never happen…

*intergalactic side eye from the biggest crater on the moon*

2) I’m old enough to talk about what the eff I’m about to talk about. Whatchu gon’ do, snitch me out to mi madre?

3) At least I’m honest enough to admit to it unlike some of y’all

*pointed side eye then eye roll*

So, I said that to say this:

Ren watches porn.

Like…more than not a lot of it.

*Kanye Shrug*

To be clear, I’m not participating in any of the goings on. In fact, I’m a card carrying virgin—I know, y’all probably didn’t think they made us anymore. Me equals the last of a dying breed.—who deffy isn’t thinkin’ about givin’ the bidness to any of the guys that live around here.

I don’t do or date Lansing boys as I know far too many of the niggas and know exactly how they think and talk. I don’t have the patience for that shxt and I'll be damned like a Republican’s soul to the deepest, darkest, hottest pit of hell if I lose my virginity to some nigga that's gon’ tell erryone. That ain’t the biz and it deffy ain’t gon’ work for me.

Damn, let me get back on track wit’ this one.

While I’m not having sex or any sexual contact outside of with myself [I joke with you…*cough* lol jp] I do watch others participate in sextracurricular activities on film. Why?
Um…because I can. Plus I watch to pick up techniques and positions.

Don’t front like you don’t have things in your mental rolodex of sexual positions that you wanna try because I sure as hell won’t lie to y’all.

Like I said a few run-on sentences ago, I watch more than not a lot of porn. During my perusal of adult entertainment, I’ve witnessed a lot of shxt that’s irked me and now I bring you

Ren’s

[Shortish Because She’s Dumb Tired Right Now]

List of Shxt She Hates to See and/or Just Doesn’t Understand in

Porn

1) Bad Weave and Ugly Hair in General

Now I know that I should be concentratin’ on the fxckin’ that’s goin’ down and on some level I am, but seeing fxcked up tracks and bad hair is distracting. One of my guy friends sent me a link to some flick a month or so back and I couldn’t even get into the movie. Wholetime—1 word like my DC boys do—I was watchin’ I was thinkin’ to myself

“This bxtch’s weave and hairline start at her damn ears. Double you tea eff is that ish?”

2) Excessive Amounts of Oil Bein’ Poured Over Some Ho’s Ass

I really need someone to explain to me what the fxck is so damn appealing about a lavender baby oil scented and slicked ass because I for one don’t get that shxt at all. Sure, for the anal scenes you’re gonna—hopefully—need lube which the oil is perfect for but to continue to pour oil on some chick long after the anal part of the scene is doin’ the damn most.

Speaking of doin’ the most with oil, these people so damn extra with the way that they apply it.

In a water can son?

Really?

In a water gun?

Word?

[-__-]

Get on my damn nerves smh.

3) Socks

I effing hate to see socks in porn. Shoes too. Deffy hate to see shoes and socks at the same damn time.

Not sure why but that annoys the hell outta me!

4) Random Ass Articles of Clothing

I look at it like this: If you have the majority of your clothes off, take all of them off dammit! Leaving on a little half shirt while you’re pullin’ a reverse cowgirl on the very well endowed man you happen to be fxcking on camera will not make for a better money shot. Y’kno, just to put that out there.

5) Unattractive Moans

Yeah…you know how I briefly touched on number 88 on my list of things that make me unique and ergo better than you’ll ever be list? Um…yerp, not gon’ go into that just yet, but just think about that whole

I got a way wit’ words that has left more than a few people gasping for air and speechless

thing and thing about this particular entry on the list.

Ugly moans are off putting as shxt. Someone sent me this clip of a deaf chick who wanted to be a porn star and if you sound anything like her, you should pack it the eff up now.

Fake moans are off putting as shxt too. Look bxtch, the nigga ain’t even touchin’ you, but here you are moanin’ like you’re in the very throws of ecstasy. Shut that ish up.

♥

A’ight, that’s it for now.

Please believe that I’m not done wit’ this list, but to borrow some slang from mine DC people:
”I’m ji tired jo”

so at 3:46 AM I’m callin’ it a night.

If I Was Half the Bxtch I Have the Potential to Be…

I’d name this post somethin’ rude as hell and write

“WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO”

italicized and bolded in 36 point pink font [in case you were wondering, this WGCMB is written italicized and bolded in 18 point font] then proceed to sit here and type up a few ridiculous ass lies, hit publish on Windows Live Writer and call it a blog.

But I’m no Sandra Rose and if you think that I’m taking a shot at her you may:
A) Be right

B) Be wrong

C) Be tryin’ to start shit

or

D) All of the above

Like I said before,  persuasive as I am, I can’t convince you of something that you don’t wanna believe no matter how hard I try so if you think that I’m takin’ a shot at this woman then so be it. It is what it is and life’s what you make it so lets make it rock.

*shrugs and sighs*

I should probably calm myself down but guess what? Me no wanna so me wont. Me shall also continue to say “me” in place of “I” when I chose to because I enjoy doing things mine way and being difficult is the way to go. Ask anybody who knows or even thinks that they know me. This is my modus operandi. Don’t like it? You can do a few things:

1) You can go and choke on a Hammond cheese sandwich—word to Reina Violeta and she knows why—for thinking that I give a soy sauce packet about what you like. The time for that has passed homies and ho’s.

2) ALT + F4 off my ish right…now.

3) Don’t ever come back again.

But that’s only if you don’t  like it. If you happen to enjoy my brand of off, abrasively cute and just a tad bit charming weird humor then please, feel free to take off ya shoes and relax ya feet and know that I appreciate your hits to my blog.

No really…I’m bein’ serious.

I appreciate y’all that take the time out to read the randomness that is my Infamous Life and Times. Sure, it’d be nice to have people comment my ish every once and a while *wink wink nudge nudge* but it is what it is and it for dang sure ain’t a requirement.

There’s a part of me that wants to tell you, whoever you are that happens to stumble across the blog, that I do this for y’all but that mine friends and enemies is a lie. I do inform y’all that I do this for…me.

Saying the ish that I say on my blog? Displaying my not so random moments of “I don’t give a fxck and I don’t care if you like it or not” and all that? Yeah. This is like cheap therapy for me lol.

As a chronic sufferer of Whatthefxckisthisilitis—a disease that affects one’s sanity, making them want to choke someone out (no not literally, what do you take me for? Eff) for even the smallest of ignorant offenses. Often occurs in those that are exposed to any amount of recklessness for long periods of time—my blog is just what the doctor prescribed.

Where the eff this whole blog came from I don’t even know, wasn’t tryin’ to post another entry, this is like…what, number five this week? Maybe six?

*shrugs*
I need to work on my boredom.

And on getting the eff away from my computer; I’m on this bxtch far too much with the whole workin’ and school thing smh.

♥